When September Ends

How do I put into words the events of the last few days?  I know my recent blogs have been short and have been lacking my usual humorous and emotional writing flair...but I just haven't felt up to much lately. 
As you all know, Rob and I headed to MN to have our embryos transferred yesterday, 9/23/12.  I'm pretty sure 9/23 was the date that my sister Michelle received her breast cancer diagnosis, so isn't it lovely to have a better story on 9/23 all these years later? 

Rob and I left for MN early in the morning.  We made the long, boring drive - AGAIN - but with  much optimism and excitement.  Near Waupaca we saw a COYOTE sitting on a hilltop, and moments later saw a bald eagle land in a field.  Beautiful morning.  I couldn't wait to get there and hear what the Embryologist had to tell us about our 22 that were retrieved.  On the way there I had to follow specific instructions:  empty my bladder at a certain time and begin refilling it, take medications at certain times, arrive at precisely 10:45am.  Everything went smoothly.  On the trip there we discussed such topics of what room we'd use for the nursery and what our decor would be.  I noticed a sign that said "Twin river campground" or something like that so I took it as a sign that we're going to have twins.  Rob disagreed.  But, I had NEVER seen that sign before, and I've made that trip plenty of times.

We arrived at the clinic at 10:31.  They took us to a room right away.  We were given our post-transfer instructions, basically how for 2 days I was not allowed to do ANYTHING...pretty much just lay flat...except to sit up to eat and get up to pee.  Today is slightly  more relaxed, I can sit in a reclined position, but that's it.  No showering.  This has been an interesting couple of recovery days, but I"ll get to that in a minute.  After we were given our instructions, the nurse left us alone to wait for the embryologist...or shall I say...left us alone so I could completely fret and freak out about what the embryologist would come in and tell us.  In typical Rob fashion, when I asked him what he thought the Embryologist would say, he did his best 3 stooges impression which had me laughing hysterically, much to my full bladder's lament.  I popped my 2 Valium so that I could chill out - and also because I had been instructed to do so - and I waited for my embryologist report.

He finally came in about 30 minutes later and told us about our 22.  He said, of 22, only 8 were mature.  Didn't sound that great to me, but 8 was still a good number.  Some people only get 8 out total.  Of those 8, 7 fertilized.  There were 2 that they were going to transfer and the rest will stick it out in the lab for a few more days and hopefully will grow big and strong enough to get frozen for a possible future cycle if needed.  We will get a letter telling us about our frozens in a few weeks.  (Funny but when I think of freezing them I think about one of the Austin Powers films - every time). 
Here is a picture we got of the two little embryos we had transferred yesterday:

First of all, isn't it cool that we can get these pictures?  The one on the left is a 7 cell and the one on the right is an 8 cell.  (By day 3 it is great if they are 8 cell).  The clinic gives them a grade, with 1 being the best, and 3 being the worst.  Our embryos, or embabies as I've heard others call them, were graded 1.8 and 1.2 respectively.  Pretty good numbers!  I had thought of naming them embaby N and embaby M since I work for N&M Transfer.  Get it?  N & M TRANSFER?  However, Rob thought it more appropriate to call them Baby Bobbie and Horhay.  Ummm, ok.

After we got our embaby report, we headed into the procedure room across the hall.  Dr. Stassart came in.  I recall he had WONDERFUL encouraging things to say, but thanks to the Valium kicking in, I'm not sure I remember much of it now.  I do know he said these things:
1.  That he was surprised that out of 22 we only had 8 mature, but he said if it didn't work this time that he would have some different ideas for what to try next round.  I liked the sound of that.
2.  I remember him saying that because my ovaries were so enlarged, that they were pushing my uterus up to a better position than where it was for the trial transfer.  This made inserting the catheter to just the right spot and shooting the embryos in much easier, so that is a good sign!

The procedure is pretty easy - you get to watch the whole thing on the ultrasound screen, although I couldn't tell what the heck we were looking at.  Dr. Stassart gets everything ready, then the nurse who has an ultrasound on my tummy uses a walkie-talkie to call in the embryologist who has our embabies in a little tube.  They slide the tube through the catheter and they shoot them in.  The embryologist then goes back to check under a microscope to make sure no embryos remain in the tube, and then you lay there for 6 minutes and are then free to go.  Craziness!

I used the restroom on our way out, (empty that bladder PLEASE!) and Rob drove me to the hotel.  At this point the Valium was really kicking in.  Rob checked in and then came and got me to walk me to our room.  I crawled into bed and then slept for about 2-3 hours!!!  I barely remember walking from the car to our room.  This morning when we left and we were in the elevator it somewhat came back to me though.  There was a black and white picture on the inside of the elevator doors that said something about "carpooling" and it had 2 small children sitting together in a wagon.  I recalled this morning that in my grogginess yesterday, I had looked at that picture with great longing - that sometime very soon we would have a little one, or two, to be our very own wagon occupants.  Valium is an incredible thing.  I somewhat wish I could just take some from now until my pregnancy test to ease my worries!  Like the Green Day song "Wake me up when September ends."  :)

I woke up to my wonderful hubby who brought me some dinner.  I was instructed to lay flat so we hung out in the hotel bed ALL day and night, and watched most of the Emmys.  Bedrest is not fun.  My back thought it was awful actually, and let me know it every time it had a chance!  While I had slept, my excited husband had texted out pics of Baby Bobbie and Horhay to all our friends...and much to my amusement he saved their photo as the background on his phone.  Who right now is jealous that they are not married to this amazing man?  :)  I am SOOOOO lucky. 

This morning I was treated to breakfast in bed.  Per my restrictions, I was not allowed to shower, so I "washed up" quickly, and got dressed.  We headed back to RMIA so I could have a check on my OHSS symptoms.  Things are looking good on that homefront, which is great.  I prefer to NOT end up in the hospital having fluid drained from my abdomen.  They did tell me that I have to have a recheck in Appleton for OHSS on Thursday.  They said, sometimes, after transfer, and with PREGNANCY, OHSS gets worse before it gets better because the hCG hormones make it worse.  So, now in a weird way, I hope my symptoms get worse so that I know I'm pregnant.  Freak. 

Then came the excruciating drive home.  Couple cool things.  When we walked out to our car in the RMIA parking lot, there were two beautiful geese getting a drink from a puddle near our car.  Two geese.  Then when we drove out of RMIA and rounded the on ramp to the highway, from my reclined position in the car I looked up and saw TWO hawks on a light post.  As most of you know, hawks are my sign of hope - a sign that my guardian angel - my sister Michelle - is with me and is watching over me.  So today, I saw TWO hawks.  It must be twins.  :)

We came home to a nice little gift from my mother - a cute knick knack that she knows I collect.  We also had some muffins and a sweet note from our friends Cheryl and Mark.  Throughout our trip we had text after text of encouragement and excitement from friends and family.  Our dogs and cats were happy to have us home.  I clicked my red ruby slippers...or more appropriately...my Packer socks...and agreed whole heartedly with Dorothy - there's no place like home!

So now we wait for our pregnancy test.  We have 2 actually.  One on 10/3, next week Wednesday, and one on Friday, 10/5.  They won't tell us anything until 10/5.  In a way, it doesn't seem so far away, and at the same time it seems like we will never find out if it worked.  I re-read my friends blog over and over the last 2 days.  I agree with all her thoughts 100%.  There are so many wonders.  What if I moved too much during bed rest?  What if my purse is too heavy?  What if it didn't work?  What if even entertaining that thought is problematic?  How I can remain utterly positive and hopeful that I'm pregnant right now yet prepare myself for the worst?  One day at a time.  I told Rob, well, at least we know we made it through 1 round of IVF.  I think part of the fear of it not working is not just the single fact alone that we will again not end up with a baby, but it will be the thought of having to gear ourselves up for more shots, ultrasounds, blood tests, sore ovaries, and trips to MN.  But, we are prepared to do all that it takes to get us our dream. 

While it is easy to try to plan for the worst...the "what if it didn't work"....it brings an absolute smile to my face to think "what if it did work?"  What if, next Friday, I find out that I'm going to be a mommy?  June 16th would be our due date I believe.  We would have that opportunity to plan that nursery, and I'd have to convince Rob into decorating it with my idea for the decor.  When I think of the women who've done IVF before me, they ALL were in this position.  They all wondered if it had worked.  And then, it did!  And then, there were pictures of their beautiful round bellies adorning their blog and facebook pages in the months that followed.  And now they have their success stories of how IVF gave them the miracle they'd longed for. 

At this moment we are 100% closer to having a baby than we were last week at this time.  I know in this moment I have two beautiful embabies inside me who were "squirted" into my uterus at just the right spot.  I'm on all the right meds to help them grow.  I have all the faith and hope and support in the world.  What if?  Until next Friday, I think I will hear those words in my head a lot...but I'm putting my money on Horhay.