If you read my blog you read how we heard the story of Job at church.
The day we went to church, I had a little bleeding that morning. I had blamed it on the suppositories but little did I know it was the start of how things eventually turned out. When I saw the blood I thought about skipping church, but then I thought - no, we should really go and pray. Normally I couldn't get Rob to go to church with me no matter what, but he had agreed, so I didn't let a little blood stop me. We went to church and heard the story of Job, which really spoke to both of us. I know now that God called us to church that day.
Just a few days later we suffered our 3rd miscarriage. A few days after that, Rob brought a book home. I don't know where he got it from. He had already read 1 chapter and said it was really good and offered it to me to read. The book is called "I am second" and is a book of the stories of real people who found a relationship with God in their lives, and who put God first, and everything else second. The book is good. I can't put it down. Rob is excited for me to finish so he can read it. So, like the story of Job, even though we are suffering, we are finding oursleves turning more towards God rather than away.
The other night we went out for Sushi with Jessie and Sky. We haven't hung out with those guys in nearly 4 years. They used to be our very good friends, but issues in my personal life caused us to drift apart. When we had our miscarriage, Jessie invited us out. Dinner with them was like old times, only better. I feel like that night was another one of the gifts from God that we are receiving. Even though what happened to us is very sad, there has been an outpouring of blessings that have come our way in the aftermath. Also on Monday at work I got the sweetest "thinking of you" card from Larry and his family. Larry had already told me he was so sorry for our loss, and he had gotten me some hot chocolate...he didn't have to do anything else, yet on Monday, there was a card...complete with a John Lennon quote, no less!
So, by not turning away from God we were able to receive all the blessings from our nearest and dearest friends and family. By not turning away, we were opened up to the "I am second" book. In reading the book I finally learned what it means to "give it to God." I have to be honest, when my family and friends would tell me "God has a plan" or "give it up to God" I honestly didn't know how to do that or what that meant. I've learned that there isn't only one way of doing things...there's no right way or wrong way. There isn't an instruction manual to follow on how to have a relationship with God (well, the Bible is like an instruction manual...but as far as how you get to the point of establishing a closer personal relationship with God, people find different ways, and have different reasons for having that change happen in your life). This is my way and my time, and I get it now.
I'm learning, and many of you probably already know this about me, that I am a control freak. I didn't know how to let God be in control because I wanted to be. Heck, IVF was supposed to let me "control" our fertility problems. In my mind, we were going to get pregnant on the first try, simple as that, because it was a controlled process. When that didn't happen, I had to fight to keep control. I was so stressed out and worried the entire time that when the miscarriage happened, I felt "free." Free from worry. I realized finally that the next time we try, I don't want to be in control. I want God to be in control and work His plan, whatever it may be. I will do what I need to as far as shots, and ultrasounds, and eating right, etc...but I have prayed and told God that he is in control. I tried last time to stay off the Internet, to not worry about what could happen...but it was absolutely impossible...because I wouldn't give it up. I needed help....help giving up that control. I'm prepared next time to leave it up to God, through the doctors, to make whatever will be happen. Maybe His plan is for us to have a baby this way, maybe it is not. I don't want to say "I don't care" but that is almost how I feel. I'm ready to let God do the caring, I will follow His lead. It sounds lazy, like I'm "checking out" and putting all the pressure on God...but that is not what it is...it is just a feeling of freedom...of partnership...of getting to grow a deeper relationship with God and putting my trust in Him and realizing that this is bigger than I am. That He is bigger than I am, and that He is, and always has been, running the show, no matter how badly I was fighting it.
I used to feel so uncomfortable when people would give me their God advice because I felt like I didn't know how to do what they did. I didn't know how to let go, to trust God completely. I know now that when people would talk to me about God, that it was God speaking to me through my friends and family, but I wasn't fully hearing Him. But, all of a sudden, with this miscarriage, I have felt God. He was always there, but we finally let Him in, into our marriage, and our life. He made us go to church to meet Job that day. He spoke to us through church, through the outpouring of love from our friends and family, and the book "I am second." I now know the relationship that I thought I couldn't find with God before is finally here, and it's real, and it feels freeing and effortless. I feel excited to share it with others. I feel compelled to be better, to do better.
My controlling personality isn't always a bad thing. I have enough control, now, to stay away from alcohol....but the thing with that is, if I were to have a drink, even a sip, I would have lost control, and I am determined to not let that happen. When I trained for the 1/2 marathon, I was in control...but once my goal was met, and my knees hurt, I lost control. I stopped being active, and became unhealthy. I used to get mad when Rob and I used to fight and I thought he was trying to "control me" and my life. I would fight him to "do what I want."
So, there are problems when you are too much in control and when you lose control and don't know what to do next. In the example of the marathon, once I was no longer in control of training, I just let things go. I'm never happy with a happy balance. I was either running 20 miles a week, or not running at all. With my health, I'm either very thin, because when I lose weight, I am never happy...I push myself to see just how thin I can get...and then when I gain weight, I never stop at a certain point, each time I gain weight I get heavier than I was the last time I was heavy. I don't have a happy medium...I'm either too much in control...getting too thin...or completely out of control, getting too heavy. I need to give my control issues to God. With His help and guidance I hope to find balance in my life in a lot of areas, my health included.
I think with quitting drinking, I didn't do it alone. I went to AA. I kept a journal. I had support. I think for something that important in life, God doesn't let you go-it alone. He knew how important it was for me to quit drinking and He had me wake up that day in May 2009 saying "I'm never drinking again." I know some people really struggle with addiction, but without even realizing it I must've let God help me because quitting drinking was something I knew I had to do, it was something SO important to me that there was no looking back. I was out of control but I thought alcohol was so important. I had given alcohol the control. I didn't have control, and I wasn't letting God help me control it. By helping me realize my need to quit, God gave the control back to me, and alcohol lost it's power over me. Everyone tells me how strong I am and when I put my mind to something I make it happen. Perhaps that is why miscarriages are so frustrating. I WANT to have a baby, but I can't make it happen. I do have strength and am pretty tough when the miscarriages do happen, I am able to pull through...but I realize now that the strength needs to come from somewhere...and by giving up the attempts to control the outcome of my fertility, and trusting God and His plan for me, I won't have to be strong on my own ever again.
I know this blog entry is all over the place, but I just had to share the overwhelming feeling of revelation that I (and even Rob) have experienced since 1 week ago today. I feel so calm and relaxed about my infertility and I have NEVER felt like that about infertility in the past 9 years. Everytime I thought about how we couldn't get pregnant, or about how every time we were pregnant we miscarried, I would just get so stressed out, and feel so sorry for us, and feel overwhelmed at the thought of trying to "fix" it. Yet now, I feel like I'm just along for the ride and I can't wait to see what's in store for us.
Like everyone has said to us over the past week...good things happen to good people, and now I finally understand that God does have a plan for us, and I'm so curious to see what it is. Before, I didn't like that saying because I felt like I didn't like that His plan wasn't my plan (I wasn't in control). I didn't like that His plan was to have our pregnancy end in miscarriage...but now I just feel like I can't wait to see what He does have planned for us. I think someday we will look back on this and we will understand.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Sunday, January 27, 2013
ER, minus George Clooney
Spent about an hour in the ER last night. Wanna know why?
We had a great day. We met our friends Cheryl and Mark out for lunch at Windy City. They are so sweet - they treated us to lunch. We had a great time chatting over our Gyros and cheeseburger. While we were eating I was insanely hot. I felt sweat forming in my forehead. We said our goodbyes and Cheryl handed me a gift. I won't share exactly what it was but the friendship and generosity of Cheryl and Mark is one of our blessings in life!
When we got home I got a really bad case of the chills. I sat on our couch with 2 pairs of socks on, two pairs of pants, a t-shirt, two sweatshirts, two blankets and gloves - in the house! I even resorted to using a heating pad. The pain I was experiencing yesterday was worse too. I would get stabbing pains that would stop me in my tracks. Extra strength tylenol was helping. However, I was worried about the chills. I had taken my temperature a few times during the day. When I just had the chills I was at 99.1. When I had layers and layers of clothes on, I was at 101.1. I waited for the tylenol to wear off and took off all my layers to try to get to "normal" and took my temp again. It was at 100.8.
After our surgery, we had just walked out. We didn't get any instructions on follow up - no discharge paperwork. Yesterday, I Googled and it of course said if you have a fever of 101, call your doctor as there could be a risk of infection. I got through to Nurse Direct around 6:30pm. They had the doctor on call give me a call back and she said I should go to the ER for blood work to rule out infection.
Rob and I got to the ER around 7pm (sorry N&M's insurance plan...I know the ER is the last place we want people going...it is soooo not cost effective! Funny how my job makes me feel guilty about things other employees wouldn't think twice about). We expected to have a long wait on a Saturday night, but fortunately we got right in. There were all male nurses on duty which makes it especially uncomfortable when you get to strip down to your undies and put on one of those sexy ER gowns. My first task was peeing in a cup. I had to walk my sexy ER-gown-clad-butt down the hallway to the bathroom with the ER blanket wrapped around me. It was like my very own toga party Saturday night. I then submitted several vials of blood. My poor veins have just about had enough of all of this.
We waited about 30 minutes for all our test results and were able to chill in the ER room watching Shipping Wars on TV. The doctor came in and said the blood work did not show sign of infection (yay!) but they were going to put me on precautionary antibiotics. They also put me on tylenol with codeine for pain (that stuff is a lifesaver!) Rob and I were out of there by 8pm. We headed to Walgreens and had to wait 30 minutes for them to fill my prescription. Since we hadn't eaten dinner yet we killed some time at McDonalds and enjoyed a romantic feast of mcnuggets, then went back and got our drugs, and headed home.
Once home, we grabbed the mail. In the mail I had a lovely sympathy card from my friend Jaime. I cannot believe...absolutely cannot believe...how wonderful all our friends are. Rob and I really feel like lucky people, in spite of our circumstances, to have so many people who love us and care so much about us in our lives. Every day I have comments on my Facebook, and nice texts of people just checking in to make sure I'm OK. Emails from my sister, phone calls from my mom, texts from my sister-in-laws...the outpouring of love is phenomenal. Today Ann texted from Shawano just to say that she was sending the love from our favorite place on earth. Funny, but Shawano can always make me feel better. How sweet of her to do that. I'm hoping someday we do have a baby so that he or she can be loved by all these people as well. :) I only hope I am as good of a friend/family member to everyone as they are to me! I can't help but think that I must be for so many people to love us so much.
Once home, I took my drugs and called it a night. I feel like the pain medicine might be something I could probably do without, but I am SO glad I have it. The pain is really not fun. When I don't feel it, my life feels more normal. Today I was able to take the dogs for a short walk with Rob. The fever seems to be gone now as well. Looking forward to everything healing and being back to normal.
I wonder what will be next. If we will try our frozen embryos, and if so, how soon? Part of me feels like "whatever, bring it on." If I get pregnant again, I don't even think I will be excited. I'm just going to roll with the punches and see what happens. Rob and I have to have faith, but it's getting harder. I'm just excited to move on, whatever that may mean.
We had a great day. We met our friends Cheryl and Mark out for lunch at Windy City. They are so sweet - they treated us to lunch. We had a great time chatting over our Gyros and cheeseburger. While we were eating I was insanely hot. I felt sweat forming in my forehead. We said our goodbyes and Cheryl handed me a gift. I won't share exactly what it was but the friendship and generosity of Cheryl and Mark is one of our blessings in life!
When we got home I got a really bad case of the chills. I sat on our couch with 2 pairs of socks on, two pairs of pants, a t-shirt, two sweatshirts, two blankets and gloves - in the house! I even resorted to using a heating pad. The pain I was experiencing yesterday was worse too. I would get stabbing pains that would stop me in my tracks. Extra strength tylenol was helping. However, I was worried about the chills. I had taken my temperature a few times during the day. When I just had the chills I was at 99.1. When I had layers and layers of clothes on, I was at 101.1. I waited for the tylenol to wear off and took off all my layers to try to get to "normal" and took my temp again. It was at 100.8.
After our surgery, we had just walked out. We didn't get any instructions on follow up - no discharge paperwork. Yesterday, I Googled and it of course said if you have a fever of 101, call your doctor as there could be a risk of infection. I got through to Nurse Direct around 6:30pm. They had the doctor on call give me a call back and she said I should go to the ER for blood work to rule out infection.
Rob and I got to the ER around 7pm (sorry N&M's insurance plan...I know the ER is the last place we want people going...it is soooo not cost effective! Funny how my job makes me feel guilty about things other employees wouldn't think twice about). We expected to have a long wait on a Saturday night, but fortunately we got right in. There were all male nurses on duty which makes it especially uncomfortable when you get to strip down to your undies and put on one of those sexy ER gowns. My first task was peeing in a cup. I had to walk my sexy ER-gown-clad-butt down the hallway to the bathroom with the ER blanket wrapped around me. It was like my very own toga party Saturday night. I then submitted several vials of blood. My poor veins have just about had enough of all of this.
We waited about 30 minutes for all our test results and were able to chill in the ER room watching Shipping Wars on TV. The doctor came in and said the blood work did not show sign of infection (yay!) but they were going to put me on precautionary antibiotics. They also put me on tylenol with codeine for pain (that stuff is a lifesaver!) Rob and I were out of there by 8pm. We headed to Walgreens and had to wait 30 minutes for them to fill my prescription. Since we hadn't eaten dinner yet we killed some time at McDonalds and enjoyed a romantic feast of mcnuggets, then went back and got our drugs, and headed home.
Once home, we grabbed the mail. In the mail I had a lovely sympathy card from my friend Jaime. I cannot believe...absolutely cannot believe...how wonderful all our friends are. Rob and I really feel like lucky people, in spite of our circumstances, to have so many people who love us and care so much about us in our lives. Every day I have comments on my Facebook, and nice texts of people just checking in to make sure I'm OK. Emails from my sister, phone calls from my mom, texts from my sister-in-laws...the outpouring of love is phenomenal. Today Ann texted from Shawano just to say that she was sending the love from our favorite place on earth. Funny, but Shawano can always make me feel better. How sweet of her to do that. I'm hoping someday we do have a baby so that he or she can be loved by all these people as well. :) I only hope I am as good of a friend/family member to everyone as they are to me! I can't help but think that I must be for so many people to love us so much.
Once home, I took my drugs and called it a night. I feel like the pain medicine might be something I could probably do without, but I am SO glad I have it. The pain is really not fun. When I don't feel it, my life feels more normal. Today I was able to take the dogs for a short walk with Rob. The fever seems to be gone now as well. Looking forward to everything healing and being back to normal.
I wonder what will be next. If we will try our frozen embryos, and if so, how soon? Part of me feels like "whatever, bring it on." If I get pregnant again, I don't even think I will be excited. I'm just going to roll with the punches and see what happens. Rob and I have to have faith, but it's getting harder. I'm just excited to move on, whatever that may mean.
Friday, January 25, 2013
life goes on
Well, life goes on. I'm hanging in there after our loss. Work is a great diversion. When I am alone I tend to get that upset feeling in my stomach and that heavy feeling in my chest where I know I'm holding back tears. It's like as soon as I walk out of work and climb in my van the grief overwhelms me. Getting ready in the morning when I'm showering and blow drying my hair my mind runs wild too. I know it's part of the grieving process and it will take it's course normally.
I also am having a significant amount of pain. Rob said "well, if you knew what they did to you, you'd understand why you're in pain." Geesh! I know it will pass, but it's a constant reminder of what my poor body just went through. It's so bizarre that just a few days ago I was "pregnant" and now I have nothing to show for it. Story of my life (so far).
I learned today that my hysteroscopy from JULY has been denied by my insurance due to "infertility." Rob and I are now on the hook for $8,500. Yes, that's right. We owe 8 THOUSAND 5 HUNDRED DOLLARS out of pocket. We will appeal their decision and hopefully with Dr. Wagener's help can get the decision overturned, but that's not a guarantee. Didn't really need that today on top of everything else that this week had to offer.
I did have a nice talk with Larry at work today who brought me my very own cup of hot chocolate to cheer me, and Dave talked to me for quite awhile too (mostly about my stupid insurance denial, but about how I'm feeling as well). So many people care so much about what's going on with us, it's really so sweet and humbling.
Rob and I went to church last week. The sermon was about Job. I might not get this exactly right, but here's what I learned. Job was a faithful servant of God's, and Job had done very well for himself in life. He had SEVERAL flocks of livestock, which back then was how wealth was determined. He was married and he and his wife had 10 children. Job had a good life. Satan challenged God and said, "I bet if you were to strike down everything that Job has that he will turn away from you and curse your name." God knew how strong Job's love was for Him that He gave Satan permission to take away all of Job's wealth and He knew Job would not turn away from Him. So, Satan killed all his animals, and his children, and even made Job extremely ill. In spite of all of this Job still praised God. Even Job's wife said, "How can you still love God when this has happened to you?" Job said "We loved God when we had good, we must love him now too." God saw that Job had proved Satan wrong, and apparently Job's wealth was eventually restored.
The lesson here is that we often only talk to God or ask for His help when there's something in it for us. When things are good, we don't need to ask for anything. We should think to ourselves, if everything that makes our lives good...cars, homes, family, work...if that was all taken away, would we blame God for it? Or, would we turn to him and still believe in him in our time of need? How odd that this rings true to me this week. Rob and I have a great life. We have nice things (yes we work VERY hard to have nice things, but nonetheless, we are blessed), we have great family, great friends, our health, great jobs...but we only started asking for God's help when it was good for us...when we wanted our pregnancy to turn out. Well, it didn't turn out. For some reason, we are suffering. We were told at church that it is OK to cry and grieve during suffering, but now is the time where we should not turn away from God. No matter how awful we feel we should not blame God for this happening to us. God has a plan and we aren't supposed to understand the plan. So, we'll just ride it out and see!
I also am having a significant amount of pain. Rob said "well, if you knew what they did to you, you'd understand why you're in pain." Geesh! I know it will pass, but it's a constant reminder of what my poor body just went through. It's so bizarre that just a few days ago I was "pregnant" and now I have nothing to show for it. Story of my life (so far).
I learned today that my hysteroscopy from JULY has been denied by my insurance due to "infertility." Rob and I are now on the hook for $8,500. Yes, that's right. We owe 8 THOUSAND 5 HUNDRED DOLLARS out of pocket. We will appeal their decision and hopefully with Dr. Wagener's help can get the decision overturned, but that's not a guarantee. Didn't really need that today on top of everything else that this week had to offer.
I did have a nice talk with Larry at work today who brought me my very own cup of hot chocolate to cheer me, and Dave talked to me for quite awhile too (mostly about my stupid insurance denial, but about how I'm feeling as well). So many people care so much about what's going on with us, it's really so sweet and humbling.
Rob and I went to church last week. The sermon was about Job. I might not get this exactly right, but here's what I learned. Job was a faithful servant of God's, and Job had done very well for himself in life. He had SEVERAL flocks of livestock, which back then was how wealth was determined. He was married and he and his wife had 10 children. Job had a good life. Satan challenged God and said, "I bet if you were to strike down everything that Job has that he will turn away from you and curse your name." God knew how strong Job's love was for Him that He gave Satan permission to take away all of Job's wealth and He knew Job would not turn away from Him. So, Satan killed all his animals, and his children, and even made Job extremely ill. In spite of all of this Job still praised God. Even Job's wife said, "How can you still love God when this has happened to you?" Job said "We loved God when we had good, we must love him now too." God saw that Job had proved Satan wrong, and apparently Job's wealth was eventually restored.
The lesson here is that we often only talk to God or ask for His help when there's something in it for us. When things are good, we don't need to ask for anything. We should think to ourselves, if everything that makes our lives good...cars, homes, family, work...if that was all taken away, would we blame God for it? Or, would we turn to him and still believe in him in our time of need? How odd that this rings true to me this week. Rob and I have a great life. We have nice things (yes we work VERY hard to have nice things, but nonetheless, we are blessed), we have great family, great friends, our health, great jobs...but we only started asking for God's help when it was good for us...when we wanted our pregnancy to turn out. Well, it didn't turn out. For some reason, we are suffering. We were told at church that it is OK to cry and grieve during suffering, but now is the time where we should not turn away from God. No matter how awful we feel we should not blame God for this happening to us. God has a plan and we aren't supposed to understand the plan. So, we'll just ride it out and see!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
how today went...
As a bit of catharsis for myself, I thought I'd blog about our final day of this pregnancy in a little more detail.
We started the day great. We slept in. We went and ordered Rob's Import Repair Sweatshirts at Top Dog. We had fun there. We joked that the smell in there from the screenprinting was toxic and we hoped it wasn't hurting baby. When we left there, we had time to kill before our appointment. We drove in by Toys R Us because I needed to get a gift for a friend's child's birthday party that is coming up. We drove in and Rob said "should we go in and shop around?" I was so excited to look at baby things with him and was so shocked that he offered! Sadly, the store wasn't open yet, so we left. We drove over to Northern Tool and Equipment. I told him I didn't want to go in and walk around, because to be honest, I was feeling a little more "tugging and pulling" in my abdomen this morning. I thought it was just the pregnancy growing. He said something cute like "come in with daddy." We were really starting to get in the swing of things with being excited about parenthood. We walked around the store, and caught glimpse of a cute wagon which we mentioned we would have to get for our baby. We wandered the rest of the store, which again smelled of toxic fumes, and then headed home because we still had time before our appointment.
Once home, Rob cooked me an egg. He made sure to cook it "over hard" so there would be no risk of salmonella to the baby. We thought an egg breakfast would be a good source of protein for our growing bean. We ate our egg breakfast while the cute ultrasound picture of our baby with a beating heart smiled at us from our refrigerator door.
We then headed off to the hospital. Our last appointment was early in the morning. This time, at 10am, the place was PACKED! First of all, try to find a parking spot in the freezing cold parking ramp. While in the ramp I saw a dad throwing a diaper bag in the back of his car and thought, that will be us soon! Diaper bags, and baby seats. Once inside we rode the elevator to the familiar 3rd floor. The OBGYN dept. was CRAWLING with parents...some with little infants, some with older children, some with small baby bumps, some with large baby bumps...some with husbands, some alone without even a ring on their finger. There was even one couple who had to be pushing 350 pounds each clutching onto their ultrasound DVD. I started to think...look how motherhood has happened to all these lucky women...and now I am one of them!
We got called back by our same technician that we had last week. I was happy to see her. I actually thought, this way if something is wrong, she will understand and sympathize with us.
We went through the same drill of bathroom, and drop your pants and then we began the procedure. I could tell IMMEDIATELY that something was wrong. She first asked, "how have you been feeling?" I said, "fine." She said "are you still on progesterone?" I said "yes." Those were code for..."have you been bleeding? Oh, you haven't? That's because you're still on meds that prevent it."
When the wand went in I could see the gestational sack, but I didn't see anything inside it. As she moved things around, I could see something small in there...yolk sac, and something small next to it...but it was SMALL. Should be bigger this time, not smaller! One thing I definitely did not see was a flicker of a heartbeat. I prayed silently that things were ok and that maybe we just weren't getting a good look with the wand yet.
She casually said she was going to measure some things first...she did not go right to the baby like she did last time. She looked at my ovaries but said she wouldn't measure all the follicles again this time...another sign that she wasn't going to waste any time on this one. After what seemed like an eternity she said "I'm sorry hon, but I'm not detecting a heart beat." I said "Ok." She said "It's not ok. I'm so sorry. The baby is actually even smaller than last time, so it must've happened right after your last appointment."
I did a pretty good job of keeping it together...I held back the tears as she told me she'd have Dr. Wagener's nurse come and get us and we'd get a chance to talk to him. She left the room and I apologized to Rob. I asked Rob if he was upset that he was married to a woman who can't give him babies. His response was the only thing I needed to hear today. "No!" I distinctly remember thanking him for saying that. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be married to him. Even though we're facing this bull shit, we are in it together. We are a team. I'm the one with the body that has to deal with the miscarriage, but this is OUR journey. After today, I love Rob 10,000 times more than I loved him yesterday. I will never forget that 3 minutes we had alone together before Dr. Wagener's nurse came to get us.
His nurse came in and gave us her apologies, and then she let it slip "we were worried..." I said, "you were? Was it because the heart beat was low?" She said "yes, it was pretty slow..." I KNEW IT! From the moment I saw that 96 bpm I knew we were in trouble. Everyone told me to think positive, but damn it...no. I knew all the positive thoughts and prayers make me and everyone around me feel better, but I knew it wouldn't save our baby. I just knew it in the back of my mind. I feel so guilty for thinking it, and then of course you have the stupid guilt of wondering if my NEGATIVE attitude killed our baby...but I know that is not true. It felt SO good to think positive, and to think "maybe this really is it - we saw a heart beat...good sign! Let's dream of nurseries and baby showers, and maternity leave..." and just when you let yourself get there, you're in an ultrasound room where you see an ultrasound screen with no heartbeat, and there is a very nice technician telling you very gently that she's so sorry.
We waited in an exam room for Dr. Wagener. He came in and gave us his condolences. He really feels bad for us. He's been down this road with us since 2004. 3 losses now. Even he was pulling for us that our first 2 were just bad luck, but today I got "the pamphlet" that I have now been diagnosed with "recurrent pregnancy loss." What a damning life sentence that is. Dr. Wagener went over how they've already tested so many things with us and all was normal...so now that this was our 3rd one, they will do chromosomal testing on the fetal tissue. Often times that is not covered by insurance (hell, nothing we are doing is covered by insurance...infertility? No. We will not cover that. You will pay for everything out of pocket. But, the jack-ass that you work with who's on his 10th back surgery? We'll pay for that). Even if the chromosomal testing is not covered, Rob and I will just pay cash for it. Dr. figured it would be about $800-$1000.
Depending on how that comes out (find out in about 2 weeks) we may have to do testing on Rob and I (blood tests) and they may do testing on our frozen embryos. There are also things we can try with the next pregnancy like blood thinner injections (lovenox).
Dr. Wagener explained our options, that we could wait for it to pass naturally (that did NOT go well last time...painful contractions, and living with the idea that you're just waiting for your dead baby to come out...not cool on the old frame of mind...), or we could do the surgery, where they could collect the tissue and do the testing. So, the surgery was a no-brainer...I've had it twice before and I wanted to just get it done. BUT - Dr. was heading out to a conference on Thursday and Friday, so we could wait until Monday (stay on my progesterone so I wouldn't naturally miscarry in the meantime...um...no thanks) or have it today. We opted for today. Our options then became NOW, or later this evening.
Since we were both there we opted for RIGHT NOW. My infertility nurse came and walked me to the procedure room. She hugged me in the hallway and told me not to give up. It was nice to talk to her. She will send all the info to Dr. Stassart at RMIA and we will see what to do next. I again undressed from the waist down (I am getting good at this lately) and got hooked up to my IV. Rob was escorted out of the room because lets face it, no one wants to witness what was about to go down (He was in the room for our first D&C and regrets it to this day. It scarred him for life). I remember being "loopy" but also remember being fairly "awake" for everything. I remember the nurses commenting on how I was "fighting it" and that my eyes were staying open. I felt like I was coherent for the whole thing, but at the same time, it felt like it took Dr. Wagener 2 seconds, and also I don't remember ANY of it...him leaving the room, or anything.
I then was able to get dressed and Rob and I walked out, hand in hand, so that I wouldn't tip over...still groggy from meds. We walked through all the still expectant moms in the waiting room. They got to go home with their babies today, while we were leaving with just each other. I don't remember the walk of shame through the waiting room. I just remember the feeling I had when we were waiting prior to our ultrasound where I was counting us in as "one of the couples in the room expecting" and walking out and leaving that feeling behind.
So now we wait. I will bleed for about 2 weeks. I have some pretty good cramping as well. Our doctors will be in touch with us regarding our options.
Rob and I went to Papa Murphys and loaded up on comfort food. However, after indulging, I almost feel now like I'd like to go on an extreme diet. Now that I'm not eating for 2, I'd like to focus again on trying to get healthy. That is the weird part about this. There is almost a "freedom" I have. I am not in a constant state of worry. My body is my own again. I can wrestle with my dogs. I can carry a heavy laundry basket. I can eat lunch meat and drink Diet Mountain Dew. Not that I'm saying I wasn't more than happy to give that stuff up to try to ensure a healthy pregnancy, now that it didn't work, it makes me want to just enjoy my freedom before the next round of "whatever" starts....I know more injections and pills and procedures are around the corner for me.
It's sad to say goodbye to the "dream" that pregnancy offered. I had thought of my time off of work and how to pay for it all. I had thought of how the nursery would look. I had thought of names, and of pushing baby in the stroller while walking my rambunctious dogs. I had thought of Grandparents, and aunts and uncles and cousins. I had thought of watching a baby fall in love with growing up in Shawano like I did. Now, it's all gone. For now.
I also think about how if we get pregnant again that I will NOT be OK. I think I will actually PUNCH anyone who tells me to relax, think positive, have faith, believe...Ok, that's a little harsh. I LOVE the people that told me those things. They had my best interest in mind. But people need to realize what a toll this takes on a person. Infertility is a nightmare and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not only the miscarriages, but all the treatments, and commitment it takes for travel, and injections...and giving up your life for a year to focus on it...and financially - OMG! I just won't be OK. I will NEVER be OK until I am huffing and puffing in a delivery room and hold that baby in my arms. I do hope that happens for us one day.
Lastly, if it doesn't happen that way, we will most likely pursue adoption. We are now focused and determined to start a family. I know we waited a little too long to get serious about having kids, but we are serious now. We are too invested and committed to walk away with nothing at this point. And, when Rob and I put our minds to something, we make it happen. We will keep praying and fighting and trying...and putting all of you through HELL watching us in agony as we go through each step of this journey.
I asked Dr. Wagener today through my tears in that annoying shaky voice one gets when they're trying not to cry "do you think it will ever happen?" And he said, "yes." Of course he said yes. If he said no to me at that moment he knew he would be crushing the dreams of a very fragile woman. But at least he said yes. Which brings us back to having HOPE. The reason we are enrolled in RMIA's HOPE program. I sure HOPE this works...because Rob already told me I can't get another dog. :)
We started the day great. We slept in. We went and ordered Rob's Import Repair Sweatshirts at Top Dog. We had fun there. We joked that the smell in there from the screenprinting was toxic and we hoped it wasn't hurting baby. When we left there, we had time to kill before our appointment. We drove in by Toys R Us because I needed to get a gift for a friend's child's birthday party that is coming up. We drove in and Rob said "should we go in and shop around?" I was so excited to look at baby things with him and was so shocked that he offered! Sadly, the store wasn't open yet, so we left. We drove over to Northern Tool and Equipment. I told him I didn't want to go in and walk around, because to be honest, I was feeling a little more "tugging and pulling" in my abdomen this morning. I thought it was just the pregnancy growing. He said something cute like "come in with daddy." We were really starting to get in the swing of things with being excited about parenthood. We walked around the store, and caught glimpse of a cute wagon which we mentioned we would have to get for our baby. We wandered the rest of the store, which again smelled of toxic fumes, and then headed home because we still had time before our appointment.
Once home, Rob cooked me an egg. He made sure to cook it "over hard" so there would be no risk of salmonella to the baby. We thought an egg breakfast would be a good source of protein for our growing bean. We ate our egg breakfast while the cute ultrasound picture of our baby with a beating heart smiled at us from our refrigerator door.
We then headed off to the hospital. Our last appointment was early in the morning. This time, at 10am, the place was PACKED! First of all, try to find a parking spot in the freezing cold parking ramp. While in the ramp I saw a dad throwing a diaper bag in the back of his car and thought, that will be us soon! Diaper bags, and baby seats. Once inside we rode the elevator to the familiar 3rd floor. The OBGYN dept. was CRAWLING with parents...some with little infants, some with older children, some with small baby bumps, some with large baby bumps...some with husbands, some alone without even a ring on their finger. There was even one couple who had to be pushing 350 pounds each clutching onto their ultrasound DVD. I started to think...look how motherhood has happened to all these lucky women...and now I am one of them!
We got called back by our same technician that we had last week. I was happy to see her. I actually thought, this way if something is wrong, she will understand and sympathize with us.
We went through the same drill of bathroom, and drop your pants and then we began the procedure. I could tell IMMEDIATELY that something was wrong. She first asked, "how have you been feeling?" I said, "fine." She said "are you still on progesterone?" I said "yes." Those were code for..."have you been bleeding? Oh, you haven't? That's because you're still on meds that prevent it."
When the wand went in I could see the gestational sack, but I didn't see anything inside it. As she moved things around, I could see something small in there...yolk sac, and something small next to it...but it was SMALL. Should be bigger this time, not smaller! One thing I definitely did not see was a flicker of a heartbeat. I prayed silently that things were ok and that maybe we just weren't getting a good look with the wand yet.
She casually said she was going to measure some things first...she did not go right to the baby like she did last time. She looked at my ovaries but said she wouldn't measure all the follicles again this time...another sign that she wasn't going to waste any time on this one. After what seemed like an eternity she said "I'm sorry hon, but I'm not detecting a heart beat." I said "Ok." She said "It's not ok. I'm so sorry. The baby is actually even smaller than last time, so it must've happened right after your last appointment."
I did a pretty good job of keeping it together...I held back the tears as she told me she'd have Dr. Wagener's nurse come and get us and we'd get a chance to talk to him. She left the room and I apologized to Rob. I asked Rob if he was upset that he was married to a woman who can't give him babies. His response was the only thing I needed to hear today. "No!" I distinctly remember thanking him for saying that. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be married to him. Even though we're facing this bull shit, we are in it together. We are a team. I'm the one with the body that has to deal with the miscarriage, but this is OUR journey. After today, I love Rob 10,000 times more than I loved him yesterday. I will never forget that 3 minutes we had alone together before Dr. Wagener's nurse came to get us.
His nurse came in and gave us her apologies, and then she let it slip "we were worried..." I said, "you were? Was it because the heart beat was low?" She said "yes, it was pretty slow..." I KNEW IT! From the moment I saw that 96 bpm I knew we were in trouble. Everyone told me to think positive, but damn it...no. I knew all the positive thoughts and prayers make me and everyone around me feel better, but I knew it wouldn't save our baby. I just knew it in the back of my mind. I feel so guilty for thinking it, and then of course you have the stupid guilt of wondering if my NEGATIVE attitude killed our baby...but I know that is not true. It felt SO good to think positive, and to think "maybe this really is it - we saw a heart beat...good sign! Let's dream of nurseries and baby showers, and maternity leave..." and just when you let yourself get there, you're in an ultrasound room where you see an ultrasound screen with no heartbeat, and there is a very nice technician telling you very gently that she's so sorry.
We waited in an exam room for Dr. Wagener. He came in and gave us his condolences. He really feels bad for us. He's been down this road with us since 2004. 3 losses now. Even he was pulling for us that our first 2 were just bad luck, but today I got "the pamphlet" that I have now been diagnosed with "recurrent pregnancy loss." What a damning life sentence that is. Dr. Wagener went over how they've already tested so many things with us and all was normal...so now that this was our 3rd one, they will do chromosomal testing on the fetal tissue. Often times that is not covered by insurance (hell, nothing we are doing is covered by insurance...infertility? No. We will not cover that. You will pay for everything out of pocket. But, the jack-ass that you work with who's on his 10th back surgery? We'll pay for that). Even if the chromosomal testing is not covered, Rob and I will just pay cash for it. Dr. figured it would be about $800-$1000.
Depending on how that comes out (find out in about 2 weeks) we may have to do testing on Rob and I (blood tests) and they may do testing on our frozen embryos. There are also things we can try with the next pregnancy like blood thinner injections (lovenox).
Dr. Wagener explained our options, that we could wait for it to pass naturally (that did NOT go well last time...painful contractions, and living with the idea that you're just waiting for your dead baby to come out...not cool on the old frame of mind...), or we could do the surgery, where they could collect the tissue and do the testing. So, the surgery was a no-brainer...I've had it twice before and I wanted to just get it done. BUT - Dr. was heading out to a conference on Thursday and Friday, so we could wait until Monday (stay on my progesterone so I wouldn't naturally miscarry in the meantime...um...no thanks) or have it today. We opted for today. Our options then became NOW, or later this evening.
Since we were both there we opted for RIGHT NOW. My infertility nurse came and walked me to the procedure room. She hugged me in the hallway and told me not to give up. It was nice to talk to her. She will send all the info to Dr. Stassart at RMIA and we will see what to do next. I again undressed from the waist down (I am getting good at this lately) and got hooked up to my IV. Rob was escorted out of the room because lets face it, no one wants to witness what was about to go down (He was in the room for our first D&C and regrets it to this day. It scarred him for life). I remember being "loopy" but also remember being fairly "awake" for everything. I remember the nurses commenting on how I was "fighting it" and that my eyes were staying open. I felt like I was coherent for the whole thing, but at the same time, it felt like it took Dr. Wagener 2 seconds, and also I don't remember ANY of it...him leaving the room, or anything.
I then was able to get dressed and Rob and I walked out, hand in hand, so that I wouldn't tip over...still groggy from meds. We walked through all the still expectant moms in the waiting room. They got to go home with their babies today, while we were leaving with just each other. I don't remember the walk of shame through the waiting room. I just remember the feeling I had when we were waiting prior to our ultrasound where I was counting us in as "one of the couples in the room expecting" and walking out and leaving that feeling behind.
So now we wait. I will bleed for about 2 weeks. I have some pretty good cramping as well. Our doctors will be in touch with us regarding our options.
Rob and I went to Papa Murphys and loaded up on comfort food. However, after indulging, I almost feel now like I'd like to go on an extreme diet. Now that I'm not eating for 2, I'd like to focus again on trying to get healthy. That is the weird part about this. There is almost a "freedom" I have. I am not in a constant state of worry. My body is my own again. I can wrestle with my dogs. I can carry a heavy laundry basket. I can eat lunch meat and drink Diet Mountain Dew. Not that I'm saying I wasn't more than happy to give that stuff up to try to ensure a healthy pregnancy, now that it didn't work, it makes me want to just enjoy my freedom before the next round of "whatever" starts....I know more injections and pills and procedures are around the corner for me.
It's sad to say goodbye to the "dream" that pregnancy offered. I had thought of my time off of work and how to pay for it all. I had thought of how the nursery would look. I had thought of names, and of pushing baby in the stroller while walking my rambunctious dogs. I had thought of Grandparents, and aunts and uncles and cousins. I had thought of watching a baby fall in love with growing up in Shawano like I did. Now, it's all gone. For now.
I also think about how if we get pregnant again that I will NOT be OK. I think I will actually PUNCH anyone who tells me to relax, think positive, have faith, believe...Ok, that's a little harsh. I LOVE the people that told me those things. They had my best interest in mind. But people need to realize what a toll this takes on a person. Infertility is a nightmare and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not only the miscarriages, but all the treatments, and commitment it takes for travel, and injections...and giving up your life for a year to focus on it...and financially - OMG! I just won't be OK. I will NEVER be OK until I am huffing and puffing in a delivery room and hold that baby in my arms. I do hope that happens for us one day.
Lastly, if it doesn't happen that way, we will most likely pursue adoption. We are now focused and determined to start a family. I know we waited a little too long to get serious about having kids, but we are serious now. We are too invested and committed to walk away with nothing at this point. And, when Rob and I put our minds to something, we make it happen. We will keep praying and fighting and trying...and putting all of you through HELL watching us in agony as we go through each step of this journey.
I asked Dr. Wagener today through my tears in that annoying shaky voice one gets when they're trying not to cry "do you think it will ever happen?" And he said, "yes." Of course he said yes. If he said no to me at that moment he knew he would be crushing the dreams of a very fragile woman. But at least he said yes. Which brings us back to having HOPE. The reason we are enrolled in RMIA's HOPE program. I sure HOPE this works...because Rob already told me I can't get another dog. :)
all good things must come to an end
Had our 3rd miscarriage today. Had the D&C immediately. Now we wait for tests to be run and hope for some answers of what to try next time. Thanks again for all your support.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
bliss
Hanging out on a Saturday with not much going on...thought I should blog in case any of you are missing me!
First I'd like to let you know that if you weren't able to view the pictures in my last few posts (one of which was very important - baby's first picture after his blastocyst photo!) you should be able to view them now. Rob figured out what was wrong with it of course! He's so smart!
The day we had our ultrasound I got these beautiful flowers delivered to me from my work friends - Jacci, Jessie, Heidi, Nikki and Beth:
On the day of our ultrasound, I treated myself to one little present in celebration...some decals for our nursery...we're thinking of going with a dog and cat theme:
First I'd like to let you know that if you weren't able to view the pictures in my last few posts (one of which was very important - baby's first picture after his blastocyst photo!) you should be able to view them now. Rob figured out what was wrong with it of course! He's so smart!
The day we had our ultrasound I got these beautiful flowers delivered to me from my work friends - Jacci, Jessie, Heidi, Nikki and Beth:
Last night we had a blast at our niece's 12th b-day party. She had several of her girlfriend's over for an Emmy Themed Sleepover. All the girls came in dresses and arrived on the rolled out red carpet with their hair and make up done. They were interviewed (by Becky) to see who inspired their look and what designer they were wearing. It was a blast! Each of us, uncles and aunts, played a role. Becky was the interviewer. I video taped the interviews. Alyson took all the photos. We all had "press passes." Rob and Randy and Cory were all "security" and they assisted the ladies with bringing their things into the house. Jamie and Ann hosted a great party for their oldest daughter and all her buddies with lots of food and refreshments, games and even Emmy trophies for each girl! Here we are celebrating with Emma:
On the day of our ultrasound, I treated myself to one little present in celebration...some decals for our nursery...we're thinking of going with a dog and cat theme:
They arrived in the mail today. Fun fun!
Also today I bit the bullet and went and bought some maternity jeans. I'm pretty big. I know it's not from pregnancy yet...but it could be my swollen ovaries?? Or maybe pizza. I hope it's not pizza. Anyway, I needed to do SOMETHING and rather than buy new regular fat jeans, I thought I'd buy maternity since I'll be needing them sooner than later. My lovely friend Angela had given me a bunch of jeans, but sadly from the time I accepted her gift to now, I have grown in size. I can still fit in some of her gift pants, and thankfully all her shirts/sweaters she gave me...but I needed to get the jeans. And boy, are they nice! Everyone should have a pair of maternity jeans at least to wear to Thanksgiving dinner.
My mood goes from blissful to down right scared. Friday I felt like my breast tenderness (pretty much my only symptom) was gone. I had woken up with some pink spotting that really freaked me out. However the spotting went away. It has to be from my Endometrin suppositories, but it still was scary. Couple that with the loss of my one and only symptom and I was a mess. Now today, I feel great! No more spotting. Breast tenderness back, AND I gagged from the smell of cat food this morning. Yay! Plus, I have been absolutely passing out on the couch between 8 and 9pm each night. Plus, the help from all the positive reinforcement from friends and family has obviously really helped. I hate that I'm so needy. I keep thinking "after all we've been through it's no wonder I'm worried..." But maybe it should just end there. After all we've been through....WE ARE HAVING A BABY!
Rob is certain that everything is fine and he can't wait to see the baby again on Wednesday. I go back and forth from being super excited to see baby to absolutely worried that something will go wrong and we'd have to be face to face with that fear on Wednesday. But, I feel much better when I choose to buy in to my husband's bliss.
This is quite a ride. I was putting some photos into our album today and I have lots of pics of all our IVF drugs. It hit me that we may be done with that stuff. With Woody and our 2 frozens, we just may have made it out of the hell that is infertility. The thought of that is bliss. :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Next appointment
Our next appointment is scheduled for 1/23/13 at 10am. My nurse said 9am on 1/29 was available, but 1/23 was also open...she said that's not quite 2 weeks but Dr. Wagener said anytime 1-2 weeks from now is when I should come back in. My nurse and I agreed I don't do well with waiting a long time in between, so we chose the 23rd. :) That is just a week from tomorrow. I will be 8 weeks. Yay! Will be nice to check in on things again then. Lord knows in a week I'll most likely be ready for some more reassurance! LOL!
ha ha ha
So I did the "Chinese gender predictor chart" online and:
When I used our conception date of 12/12/12 - it says we're having a GIRL!
But...
When I used our due date of 9/4/13 - it says we're having a BOY!
So....what does that mean?
We are either having a girl, or a boy.
When I used our conception date of 12/12/12 - it says we're having a GIRL!
But...
When I used our due date of 9/4/13 - it says we're having a BOY!
So....what does that mean?
We are either having a girl, or a boy.
Hello, Baby!
I guess my mom was always right - good things do come to those who wait.
All of you with your positive attitudes were right - everything is fine! There's a baby in there! He's measuring the right size for his gestation (7mm) and he had a heartbeat of 96bpm (they told us anything over 90 is good at this point)! See how much he's changed from his Blastocyst photo?
So, here's how it all went down. We got to our appointment 15 minutes early, like they told us to do and then we waited 15 minutes to be seen. :) We were sitting in the waiting room when another gal came in and sat down. As luck would have it, she was called back first. My heart was POUNDING through my chest. I needed to get that party started. I thought, well, they probably will have a hard time hearing the baby's heartbeat over the deafening sound of my own!
We were called next and our very sweet technician walked us back to our room. She asked if I was nervous and I said I was beyond nervous. We got in the room and she gave me the low down on using the restroom and disrobing from the waist down...and then she asked if this was our first pregnancy. I told her no, that it was our 3rd but we've had 2 miscarriages before this. She began to understand just how nervous I was, and understandably why.
We got started and she was very sweet to show us the baby and the heartbeat first to get my nerves out of the way! She said I was so nervous my uterus was cramping and it was making it hard for her to see things. So, as soon as I saw that flicker on the screen, I started bawling. I just couldn't believe it! I was so shocked and relieved. She asked if we've ever seen a heartbeat before with our other pregnancies and we told her no, that we only ever saw a sac with no baby inside it. :(
We then looked around at everything else going on with my lady parts. My ovaries - which are still very swollen from all the hard work they had to do to get us to this point...and all the rest of my uterus that the baby currently is not occupying.
We then got back to baby. She told me he is measuring the right size. We then heard the heartbeat and learned that it was 96bpm. Nice and healthy.
The amazing thing is that now I have this amazing sense of calm. I'm not even tempted to look online at anything...I just have the reassurance that I needed. I SAW that there is life inside of me. What an amazing gift! All the prayers I said and all of you said certainly did work! I made sure to say a "thank you" prayer as soon as all my text messaging flurry settled down after our appointment. :)
I can't help but feel a little guilty for not having more faith in Woody. I nearly had counted him out completely. What a terrible unsupportive mother I am! He just proved me wrong though - what a tough little guy.
Rob and I could not be happier...in our nearly 20 years together as a couple, this is something we have yet to experience together. What an exciting new journey to take on together...we're going to be parents! And really good ones too. :)
All of you with your positive attitudes were right - everything is fine! There's a baby in there! He's measuring the right size for his gestation (7mm) and he had a heartbeat of 96bpm (they told us anything over 90 is good at this point)! See how much he's changed from his Blastocyst photo?
So, here's how it all went down. We got to our appointment 15 minutes early, like they told us to do and then we waited 15 minutes to be seen. :) We were sitting in the waiting room when another gal came in and sat down. As luck would have it, she was called back first. My heart was POUNDING through my chest. I needed to get that party started. I thought, well, they probably will have a hard time hearing the baby's heartbeat over the deafening sound of my own!
We were called next and our very sweet technician walked us back to our room. She asked if I was nervous and I said I was beyond nervous. We got in the room and she gave me the low down on using the restroom and disrobing from the waist down...and then she asked if this was our first pregnancy. I told her no, that it was our 3rd but we've had 2 miscarriages before this. She began to understand just how nervous I was, and understandably why.
We got started and she was very sweet to show us the baby and the heartbeat first to get my nerves out of the way! She said I was so nervous my uterus was cramping and it was making it hard for her to see things. So, as soon as I saw that flicker on the screen, I started bawling. I just couldn't believe it! I was so shocked and relieved. She asked if we've ever seen a heartbeat before with our other pregnancies and we told her no, that we only ever saw a sac with no baby inside it. :(
We then looked around at everything else going on with my lady parts. My ovaries - which are still very swollen from all the hard work they had to do to get us to this point...and all the rest of my uterus that the baby currently is not occupying.
We then got back to baby. She told me he is measuring the right size. We then heard the heartbeat and learned that it was 96bpm. Nice and healthy.
The amazing thing is that now I have this amazing sense of calm. I'm not even tempted to look online at anything...I just have the reassurance that I needed. I SAW that there is life inside of me. What an amazing gift! All the prayers I said and all of you said certainly did work! I made sure to say a "thank you" prayer as soon as all my text messaging flurry settled down after our appointment. :)
I can't help but feel a little guilty for not having more faith in Woody. I nearly had counted him out completely. What a terrible unsupportive mother I am! He just proved me wrong though - what a tough little guy.
Rob and I could not be happier...in our nearly 20 years together as a couple, this is something we have yet to experience together. What an exciting new journey to take on together...we're going to be parents! And really good ones too. :)
Monday, January 14, 2013
Tomorrow we'll know
Hi everyone -
It's the night before our ultrasound. I'm excited but also nervous. It seemed like it would never get here and now it's less than 24 hours away. Everyone is so positive that it will go well. I myself have been feeling better about things but i'm just happy that very soon we will know for sure.
Our appointment is at 8am. Rob and I will ride together. We have to be there 15 minutes early so we'll leave around 7:30 am. Then whatever happens, we can call and text family and friends together afterward.
Rob will go to work but I am taking the day off.
I'll be sure to blog tomorrow right away so you all will know what the results were. Wish us luck!
Keep the prayers coming!
It's the night before our ultrasound. I'm excited but also nervous. It seemed like it would never get here and now it's less than 24 hours away. Everyone is so positive that it will go well. I myself have been feeling better about things but i'm just happy that very soon we will know for sure.
Our appointment is at 8am. Rob and I will ride together. We have to be there 15 minutes early so we'll leave around 7:30 am. Then whatever happens, we can call and text family and friends together afterward.
Rob will go to work but I am taking the day off.
I'll be sure to blog tomorrow right away so you all will know what the results were. Wish us luck!
Keep the prayers coming!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Numbers-schmumbers
Well, I did a little more research today. I learned that after your beta reaches 1200, it slows down and DOESN'T double every 48 hours. I also read lower numbers could mean a boy. I also went on a beta calculator where you can put in the dates and times and numbers of your beta draws and it tells you in how many hours it's doubling...from my original 50 to yesterday's 3795, it is doubling every 50 hours, from 694 to 3795 it is doubling every 78 hours...so not as bad as I thought. Here are some of the positives I found:
1.
About 85%
of normal pregnancies will have the hcg level double every 48-72 hours. (That means 15% won't)
2.
Caution must be used in making too much of hcg
numbers. A normal pregnancy may have low
hcg levels and deliver a perfectly healthy baby. The results on an ultrasound after 5-6 weeks
gestation are much more accurate than using hcg numbers.
3.
Hcg levels are higher in women carrying a female
fetus when compared to women carrying a male fetus. (maybe it’s a boy?)
4.
Within the first 2-4 weeks after fertilization
hcg usually doubles every 48-72 hours. (today I am beyond 2-4 weeks, so maybe it's not rising that fast anymore?)
5.
Below 1200 hcg usually doubles every 48-72
hours…between 1200 and 6000 hcg usually
takes 72-96 hours to double….
6.
More than two in three normal pregnancies have a
doubling every 72 hours (so 48 is NOT the complete standard).
7.
There is a wide variation of normal hcg
levels. An hcg that does not double
every two to three days does not necessarily indicate a problem.
8.
Some normal pregnancies will have quite low
levels of hcg and deliver perfect babies.
9.
Once fetal activity has been detected by
ultrasound chances of normal delivery are about 95%.
So after reading all of that I feel bad that I got so negative. Maybe everything's fine. Until I have actual symptoms of miscarriage (bleeding and heavy cramping) I will do my best to do what all of you have told me over and over, and think positive. We will know for sure what is going on on Tuesday, so until then, I will not speculate. I will just know that I am pregnant and hopefully will have confirmation on Tuesday with that long awaited heartbeat.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
4th beta...I'm warning you, this entry is a pissed off pity party
Hello all,
So because I'm a crazy person I emailed my nurse and told her how Rob and I were having a hard time even enjoying being pregnant because we are so worried about the fate of the pregnancy and fear the worst - miscarriage.
I asked if she thought I should do another beta to ease my fears. She agreed that it is very common for people to be nervous and she thought the beta might help make me feel better.
I went in this morning. I waited all day until 4:15 to hear from my nurse. My nerves were getting the best of me..."why isn't she calling? It must not be good news..."
Here is what I found out. The last time I had my beta tested you'll recall my number was 694, my number was more than doubling every 48 hours.
So, I expected my numbers to go like this:
12/31 694
1/2 1388
1/4 2776
1/6 5552
1/8 11,104
But my number today was not 11,104. It was 3,795. Now, my nurse did her best to tell me things were still ok, but of course who wouldn't be worried about this? Her theory is this:
My first number was 50, on 12/26. She said, had my number doubled normally from 50, and not taken those big jumps in there like it did, I'd be on target:
12/26 50
12/28 should have been 100, I was at 141
12/30 200 (on 12/31 I was at 694)
1/1 400
1/3 800
1/5 1600
1/7 3200
and today I'm at 3795??? Not really on target...
She said I'm still in a good range for being 5 weeks 6 days pregnant.
They hope that your hcg levels double every 48 TO 72 hours...so, if we look at it that way...
12/31 694...72 hours later...
1/3 1388...72 hours later...
1/6 2776...48 hours later...
1/8 3795???? Not really on target...
Seems like shit is just slowing down ... pretty much what we're used to at this stage in the game. WTF? Looks like my plan of a 4th beta to make me feel better might have just made me feel worse.
Just hoping all the prayers we've said and all the positive thoughts we've tried to have, and others have had for us, end up working in our favor. I guess I'm done being nervous, and negative, and worrisome...truly what will be will be. There is nothing I can do about it, good or bad. So much excited anticipation has nearly turned into our worst fears, please don't let it happen to us again! There is a lot posted online about how hcg doesn't mean anything and that numbers can vary, and if they're going up it's good...but I'm not too sure I'm convinced. I'm just crabby. Maybe it's the hormones, but probably not. I don't have any other symptoms, so why would moodiness be one?
My nurse said "she's seen girls, even one recently, with really low numbers, or numbers that go up and then down, still have a good ultrasound. You're not bleeding..." So, we wait and see what the next week brings as we inch toward our ultrasound...we'll either have a heartbeat, or a heartache.
So because I'm a crazy person I emailed my nurse and told her how Rob and I were having a hard time even enjoying being pregnant because we are so worried about the fate of the pregnancy and fear the worst - miscarriage.
I asked if she thought I should do another beta to ease my fears. She agreed that it is very common for people to be nervous and she thought the beta might help make me feel better.
I went in this morning. I waited all day until 4:15 to hear from my nurse. My nerves were getting the best of me..."why isn't she calling? It must not be good news..."
Here is what I found out. The last time I had my beta tested you'll recall my number was 694, my number was more than doubling every 48 hours.
So, I expected my numbers to go like this:
12/31 694
1/2 1388
1/4 2776
1/6 5552
1/8 11,104
But my number today was not 11,104. It was 3,795. Now, my nurse did her best to tell me things were still ok, but of course who wouldn't be worried about this? Her theory is this:
My first number was 50, on 12/26. She said, had my number doubled normally from 50, and not taken those big jumps in there like it did, I'd be on target:
12/26 50
12/28 should have been 100, I was at 141
12/30 200 (on 12/31 I was at 694)
1/1 400
1/3 800
1/5 1600
1/7 3200
and today I'm at 3795??? Not really on target...
She said I'm still in a good range for being 5 weeks 6 days pregnant.
They hope that your hcg levels double every 48 TO 72 hours...so, if we look at it that way...
12/31 694...72 hours later...
1/3 1388...72 hours later...
1/6 2776...48 hours later...
1/8 3795???? Not really on target...
Seems like shit is just slowing down ... pretty much what we're used to at this stage in the game. WTF? Looks like my plan of a 4th beta to make me feel better might have just made me feel worse.
Just hoping all the prayers we've said and all the positive thoughts we've tried to have, and others have had for us, end up working in our favor. I guess I'm done being nervous, and negative, and worrisome...truly what will be will be. There is nothing I can do about it, good or bad. So much excited anticipation has nearly turned into our worst fears, please don't let it happen to us again! There is a lot posted online about how hcg doesn't mean anything and that numbers can vary, and if they're going up it's good...but I'm not too sure I'm convinced. I'm just crabby. Maybe it's the hormones, but probably not. I don't have any other symptoms, so why would moodiness be one?
My nurse said "she's seen girls, even one recently, with really low numbers, or numbers that go up and then down, still have a good ultrasound. You're not bleeding..." So, we wait and see what the next week brings as we inch toward our ultrasound...we'll either have a heartbeat, or a heartache.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Baby's first toy...
Here is what Jamie, Ann, Emma and Kayla brought us from their recent trip to Disney World - a Mickey doll dressed like...you guessed it....WOODY!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
symptoms, or lack there of...
My "lack" of symptoms had my neurotic brain worrying that things aren't going right. I know I said I'd stay off the Internet, but mainly what I will stay away from is the blog sights of all those crazy mamma's posting everything that is and isn't happening with them (you know - all those women who keep blogs just like this one! Hee hee hee!) The Internet can be a good tool for actual facts/knowledge. You know, you can believe everything you find on the Internet. :) I found this site. It reiterates that many symptoms don't start until 6-8 weeks...whew! One of my good friends is pregnant right now, but she's about 4 weeks ahead of me. All kinds of things are happening to her and I'm like "why don't I feel anything?" Because I'm not there yet! We shall see what the next few weeks bring.
http://www.essortment.com/womens-health-pregnancy-symptoms-start-50700.html
10 more days!
http://www.essortment.com/womens-health-pregnancy-symptoms-start-50700.html
10 more days!
Friday, January 4, 2013
blog filler
I'm typing this blog post from the new lap top that my hero husband brought home for me today! Now I can blog from the comfort of my couch. What a sweetie to buy me such a nice gift!
Since we are in the market for some "blog filler" until we have some real news on the 15th, here is something I neant to share and forgot.
The day I took my first pregnancy test, I had my radio on. While I was waiting for my pee stick results, I listened to the lyrics of "wanted" by Hunter Hayes as they melodically poured from my bathroom radio speakers...
...now I know it's a love song, but at that moment I realized it was totally appropriate for me, as a possibly soon to be expectant mother:
"I just wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips, I wanna make you feel wanted...I wanna call you mine, wanna hold your hand forever, and never let you forget it...I wanna make you feel wanted, baby I wanna make you feel wanted, cause you'll always be wanted."
That is one thing our baby defnitely is - wanted. We tried like hell for this pregnancy and now that it's here we almost can't believe it! For us, it's like we've won the lottery.
Last night I read the book "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy. I read it from cover to cover in one night. My friend Nikki loaned it to me. It was so funny! Yes, there were some "scary" things in there...can I really do this pregnancy thing? There's no turning back now I guess! Just a little crazy to read all the wonderful, and not so wonderful, things that my body will be going through in the next 9 months! Buckle in, sounds like it will be quite a ride!
Since we are in the market for some "blog filler" until we have some real news on the 15th, here is something I neant to share and forgot.
The day I took my first pregnancy test, I had my radio on. While I was waiting for my pee stick results, I listened to the lyrics of "wanted" by Hunter Hayes as they melodically poured from my bathroom radio speakers...
...now I know it's a love song, but at that moment I realized it was totally appropriate for me, as a possibly soon to be expectant mother:
"I just wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips, I wanna make you feel wanted...I wanna call you mine, wanna hold your hand forever, and never let you forget it...I wanna make you feel wanted, baby I wanna make you feel wanted, cause you'll always be wanted."
That is one thing our baby defnitely is - wanted. We tried like hell for this pregnancy and now that it's here we almost can't believe it! For us, it's like we've won the lottery.
Last night I read the book "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy. I read it from cover to cover in one night. My friend Nikki loaned it to me. It was so funny! Yes, there were some "scary" things in there...can I really do this pregnancy thing? There's no turning back now I guess! Just a little crazy to read all the wonderful, and not so wonderful, things that my body will be going through in the next 9 months! Buckle in, sounds like it will be quite a ride!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
5 weeks
I felt the baby kick today....JUST KIDDING! It's too early for that. But won't it be cool when I actually get to post that?
Today marks the start of WEEK 5! Yay! I printed off a "day by day" calendar that gives you a little tidbit of what is happening each day. Yesterday it said our baby's liver was starting to form. I told Rob that and he's like "What? No it's not. How would they know that? They don't know that." So, whether his liver was forming or not, we are one day closer to seeing his heart, which we know is forming because we're counting down the days till we get to see it beating.
13 days to go!
Today marks the start of WEEK 5! Yay! I printed off a "day by day" calendar that gives you a little tidbit of what is happening each day. Yesterday it said our baby's liver was starting to form. I told Rob that and he's like "What? No it's not. How would they know that? They don't know that." So, whether his liver was forming or not, we are one day closer to seeing his heart, which we know is forming because we're counting down the days till we get to see it beating.
13 days to go!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Yawn! Can I nap at work?
Sad that another long weekend is slowly drawing towards a close. I can't imagine a full day of work tomorrow. I've become rather accustomed to laying around on the couch all day. In fact, I just woke up from another nice hour long nap.
Truth is, when I move around, I'm more sensitive to little tiny cramps in my abdomen which I believe are nothing to worry about and are actually a good sign, but I prefer not feeling them. I've also noticed that if I eat too much, (which I tend to do) or if I ride in a car, I get nauseous. Also, the sides of my boobs hurt slightly (I can tell because I push on them to check 10,000 times a day). And, I get really HOT in department stores, where I begin to shed layers as we walk around. Those are my symptoms so far.
Rob has been an absolute hero today. I made a "honey do" list for him yesterday and today he completed everything on the list, including installing a new light fixture in our upstairs hallway. He's such an amazing guy. I'm so lucky! :)
It will be nice to have work tomorrow for something to do, and to take my mind off of "it's only 14 days till our ultrasound!" LOL! Watched the movie "Knocked Up" again today. Just can't get enough of this pregnancy stuff right now! I won't have much to blog about between now and the 15th, but I'll stay connected on here so no one goes through withdrawl. :) You're welcome.
The 14th is my brother-in-laws (Cory and Randy) birthday, and the 18th is my Niece Emma's birthday...so the Newhouses are used to having good news in January. Looking forward to the 15th!
Truth is, when I move around, I'm more sensitive to little tiny cramps in my abdomen which I believe are nothing to worry about and are actually a good sign, but I prefer not feeling them. I've also noticed that if I eat too much, (which I tend to do) or if I ride in a car, I get nauseous. Also, the sides of my boobs hurt slightly (I can tell because I push on them to check 10,000 times a day). And, I get really HOT in department stores, where I begin to shed layers as we walk around. Those are my symptoms so far.
Rob has been an absolute hero today. I made a "honey do" list for him yesterday and today he completed everything on the list, including installing a new light fixture in our upstairs hallway. He's such an amazing guy. I'm so lucky! :)
It will be nice to have work tomorrow for something to do, and to take my mind off of "it's only 14 days till our ultrasound!" LOL! Watched the movie "Knocked Up" again today. Just can't get enough of this pregnancy stuff right now! I won't have much to blog about between now and the 15th, but I'll stay connected on here so no one goes through withdrawl. :) You're welcome.
The 14th is my brother-in-laws (Cory and Randy) birthday, and the 18th is my Niece Emma's birthday...so the Newhouses are used to having good news in January. Looking forward to the 15th!
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