Good morning and Merry Christmas! Tomorrow is my first blood test and Friday is my confirmation blood test to find out if our 3rd and final fresh round of IVF worked or not. I jumped the gun this morning and took a home pregnancy test...the really good kind...a First Response Early Response, or FRER as they're referred to in the infertility blog world. Sadly, it came up negative.
Now I know, I know. Sometimes they can be wrong, or sometimes it's too early, but I'm not holding my breath here. I've taken lots of tests over the years and they've never been wrong. I know how to use them. And, I don't think it's too early with tomorrow being my first HCG test. My nurse will email me tomorrow probably, and if my quant is 0, it will confirm.
For now, I will continue to take all my meds like a good patient, on the off chance that the HPT is wrong, and on Friday, either way, I will be set free from IVF!
So what are my thoughts this morning? Surprisingly, OK. I was preparing myself for a failed cycle. Things just weren't looking too good. Only 8 mature eggs. Only one 8 cell on day 3. No frozens. I just have learned so much on this journey that I had a hunch this wasn't going to be our miracle baby. With no frozens, I'm faced with the realization that we really have done all we could to have a biological child of our own, but it was not meant to be.
When we had our final transfer, Dr. Stassart indicated that he would be willing to keep working with us, but for what? Nothing new was learned. There is no new fantastic treatment to try. I just am done beating my head up against the same brick wall. IVF is a tough thing to go through even one time, and we did it 5 times, 3 fresh cycles and 2 frozens. I don't think I'm a quitter to want to move on.
We're not getting any younger and I have to have hope that we will start a family somehow. I'm the type of person that wants to jump into "the next big thing" but Rob will need a little more time to heal from IVF being a big fat failure. But, when we're ready, I'm excited to start the next chapter in this journey and pursue adoption. I've known this all along that this was the route we'd take if IVF didn't work, and it finally feels like now I will have a green light to go for it! IVF left me feeling dead inside. When it didn't work the first time, and then when we miscarried the second time, it just felt like everything else was just "going through the motions." I had given control up to Jesus and I believe that he knows a plan for me that is bigger than the one I can dream up for myself. By stepping back and giving up control, I went through the steps of IVF like a good patient, but I lost my passion for it. Each negative step just kept wearing me down. My body has been a science experiment for 1.5 years, and I'm ready to feel some fire inside again! I know adoption is a long and trying road, but I'm ready to learn all I can about it and forge ahead.
I think Rob and I are meant to do great things. We weren't meant to just have children the way everyone else does it. We have different hurdles to go over. IVF, and infertility in general, is an incredible test of a couple's strength. I know you've read this blog and know what we've been through but we are the ones that actually lived it. Every medical procedure (even back to our chlomid, temp charting, and IUI days) every lab test, every pill, every needle, every time under anesthesia, every genetic counseling step, every miscarriage (all 3 of them), every drive to and from MN, we endured together. We haven't had the joy baby bump pictures, or the beautiful birthing story to tell. Everything we've been through has led us right back to where we started, childless. I mean, for those of you with children reading this, really try to imagine if you were never able to have them...no matter how much you love them now, or how badly you wanted them, or how you can't imagine your life without them... imagine that no matter what you tried, you never were able to bring them into this world. Then you would feel how painful infertility is.
I'm not the only woman to go through infertility. There are terrible, painful stories out there of miscarriages, and and stillbirths and mid-pregnancy loss. There are women who try IVF 7, 8, 9 times with no luck. There are couples who are financially ruined from the cost of the treatments. I'm not saying I'm better or worse than any of those women, or that Rob and I as a couple are better or worse as any other couple. I know there are families WITH children who have terrible terrible stories. Children with cancer, or children with behavioral issues, or physical disabilities that make everyday living difficult and emotionally painful. I'm not saying we're better or worse than any of those families. There are people who have perfectly healthy children, and have had no issues having them. I'm not saying we're better or worse than them. I'm just saying, after all we've been through, in my opinion, our story is a tough one to bear, but we are incredibly strong, and we'll push through. Life on earth isn't meant to be easy. We all will struggle, and this is our struggle.
So far we've been childless our whole lives. We're OK with that too. We have a great life with just Rob and I and our pets. But there is something in us now that longs for something more. You don't put yourselves through all of that if you don't really want it.
Part of me is sad, deep down inside, if I really think about it. It's a punch in the gut to recognize that our final outcome is essentially failure. It still hurts everytime I hear of someone else that is pregnant (even though I'm happy for them, there is always a "sting" that is associated with it). It hurts to think I'll never feel a baby kick inside me. That I'll never look at a child and think "he has Rob's eyes, or my mannerisms." There is always a part of me that thinks, maybe we should've tried harder when we were younger, and there's the other part of me that is convinced that my eggs and Robbie's sperm just do not, and will not ever make a baby, even though my doctor seems to want to keep trying. I think there really must be something wrong with one of us, or with our combination, even though all the tests we've had don't show that. Part of me is afraid to walk away and tell Dr. Stassart, "no more, thank you, even though you think it could still happen, we're done." What if next time is the time that it would work??? But I'm going to speak from experience here and say that it won't. :)
Overall the blessing here is that we are finally done with IVF. All the filled up syringe containers and left-over meds in my spare bedroom can finally get dropped off at their correct disposal sites. Rob and I can go back to a life of no restrictions - I can lift 10 pounds again (on Saturday), I can exercise, I can take a hot bath, we can have sex - just for fun! Not to "maybe make a baby." That ship has sailed! :)
I will keep up this blog because if I know me, I won't let too much grass grow beneathe my feet before I'm seriously looking into adoption. I don't want this IVF finality to stop us in our tracks. I want it to be the catapult that launches us into hopefully a year of hope, joy, and happiness. We will have to finalize things with RMIA. It is my understanding that we will have a big check coming our way (get all our money back now that we failed so miserably), and then we can move on.
All we know is that God must have bigger plans for us, and we learned we must wait on His time. So, all in God's time, my friends. Someday Rob and I will be able to look back on our lives and see His plan revealed, and I have to believe it will be worth the effort, and the wait!
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Retrieval photo
I meant to post this in our blog about retrieval. We took of picture of me just before retrieval this time as sort of a remembrance of our RMIA experience:
This is before they move you into the procedure room (this was actually taken before they had my IV in too). Hard to believe I went through retrieval 3 times...and so far still have nothing to show for it! Erg! :)
3rd (and final?) transfer done!
Good morning all! It is the day after our embryo transfer. Here's how everything went.
On Sunday the 15th we had to call in to find out when our transfer would be...Day 3 or Day 5. Rob and I were convinced that Day 5 is the best since we had a Day 3 transfer the first time that didn't work and our Day 5 transfer ended in pregnancy. We were at Rob's parent's house celebrating Christmas and watching football when I had to excuse myself to the bedroom to make the phone call to the clinic to listen to our "message" to see what our instructions were. My heart was pounding in my chest and then she said "your transfer will take place, tomorrow, 12/16." I felt devastated. Our 13 little eggs must not have been achieving rock star status in the lab. I wrote down all my instructions and then went back out to the living room to try to enjoy the rest of our visit. The Packer game came on and we watched the miserable first half, and then it was time to head home at halftime .
My ovaries had hurt pretty bad from Friday through Sunday. Extra strength Tylenol was my friend. When we got home Randy and Alyson came over so Randy could help Rob carry sheet rock into our basement. Thank goodness for his help. Once they left, I was happy to put my jogging pants on to give my ovaries a break. I started getting ready for our trip in the morning. Gathering meds, cleaning the house up a bit. Then Rob turned the game back on and we saw the Packer's amazing comeback! What a game! I had posted on Facebook about how Rob and I were not confident in a Day 3 Transfer. We got wonderful encouraging supportive comments from friends, and Larry said "I almost gave up on the Packers and look what they did. I refuse to think negative thoughts in your case. PMA (positive mental attitude)." He always has to remind me to have PMA. He (and you all) must think I'm the most negative person in the world....but c'mon, after the year and a half that we've been through, it gets darn hard to hang onto the positive.
That night Rob got the van all ready with my "bed" in the back and we went to bed dreading another 4 hour drive in the morning.
We were on the road by 7:30 on Monday. We knew snow was coming so we did our best to try to get to MN before hitting any snow. We made it to just before I-94 when the snow started coming down.
On Sunday the 15th we had to call in to find out when our transfer would be...Day 3 or Day 5. Rob and I were convinced that Day 5 is the best since we had a Day 3 transfer the first time that didn't work and our Day 5 transfer ended in pregnancy. We were at Rob's parent's house celebrating Christmas and watching football when I had to excuse myself to the bedroom to make the phone call to the clinic to listen to our "message" to see what our instructions were. My heart was pounding in my chest and then she said "your transfer will take place, tomorrow, 12/16." I felt devastated. Our 13 little eggs must not have been achieving rock star status in the lab. I wrote down all my instructions and then went back out to the living room to try to enjoy the rest of our visit. The Packer game came on and we watched the miserable first half, and then it was time to head home at halftime .
My ovaries had hurt pretty bad from Friday through Sunday. Extra strength Tylenol was my friend. When we got home Randy and Alyson came over so Randy could help Rob carry sheet rock into our basement. Thank goodness for his help. Once they left, I was happy to put my jogging pants on to give my ovaries a break. I started getting ready for our trip in the morning. Gathering meds, cleaning the house up a bit. Then Rob turned the game back on and we saw the Packer's amazing comeback! What a game! I had posted on Facebook about how Rob and I were not confident in a Day 3 Transfer. We got wonderful encouraging supportive comments from friends, and Larry said "I almost gave up on the Packers and look what they did. I refuse to think negative thoughts in your case. PMA (positive mental attitude)." He always has to remind me to have PMA. He (and you all) must think I'm the most negative person in the world....but c'mon, after the year and a half that we've been through, it gets darn hard to hang onto the positive.
That night Rob got the van all ready with my "bed" in the back and we went to bed dreading another 4 hour drive in the morning.
We were on the road by 7:30 on Monday. We knew snow was coming so we did our best to try to get to MN before hitting any snow. We made it to just before I-94 when the snow started coming down.
This was just the beginning. Shortly after this it was whiteout conditions. You could not see more than 10 feet in front of you. It was VERY scary. All I could think was, if there is an accident up ahead you would never see it until you would plow into it yourself. We thankfully made it RIGHT ON TIME for our noon appointment. Along the way I had to empty my bladder at 11am and start refilling it, and I had to take advil...I was able to keep on schedule with all those instructions even in spite of the storm.
Once at the clinic I had to have an OHSS check. They take blood from you. MORE BLOOD! My veins had been tapped more in the last year and a half than they have in my entire lifetime. Then they weigh you (I had to throw out a disclaimer that we did just have Christmas at my in-laws the day before which does mean increased food intake!) then they take you to the back and measure your bloated tummy and take your blood pressure. I had Courtney do all these tests for me. She's been someone at RMIA that we've worked with since the beginning. She knows us well. She said "Well, we're going to get you pregnant today, so that's exciting..." and so that was my opportunity to open up to her and give her a full display of my non-PMA. :) I told her how we thought 13 was not a good number (since the last 2 times we had 22). She said "13 is a GOOD number." Then I confessed that we thought day 3 transfer was a bad sign and she just reassured me that the doctor and the embryologist know what is the best day to go with. All things I already knew, but it always feels better to hear it from someone in the RMIA system.
We then went back to the little room they have you wait in for the embryologist to come in. Courtney went out to the waiting room to get Rob to bring him back where I was waiting. I could hear them chatting coming down the hall about how bad the roads were. I am so lucky to have such a confident man in all things. There is nothing he doesn't tackle full on. He never let me know yesterday that the roads were making him nervous. But the stress did tire him out more than usual...poor guy, he still had 4 hours to drive home, with me passed out and not seat belted in on a mattress in the back!
Then a nurse came in and went over our discharge instructions. Basically could only lay flat yesterday and today can just sit in a recliner. No shower. Only get up to go to the bathroom. Thankfully my mom is coming to make me lunch and deal with my pet's food and potty situations! This is why I'm home today blogging instead of being at work. (OMG, work! I haven't been there since Thursday and this is the busiest time of year for me. I will have SO much to do before the end of the year. Nervous, but I will get it done, I always do).
It was time to take my Valium and then I got as tired as Rob! We both sort of took a nap with our heads laid down on the table like lazy high school students while we waited for the Embryologist. I mean, I literally fell asleep, and I'm sure he did too! Finally Will, our embryologist came in. Another guy who we've gotten to know well through this process! Will showed us the picture of our embryos. We have quite a collection of these now. He said out of 13, 8 were mature enough to be fertilized. Of those 8 one stopped growing right away. The 2 we had put in yesterday were the 2 best of what was left. The remaining they will continue to try to culture in the lab and try to grow them long enough to freeze...but it doesn't sound promising. I have to call on Thursday to see if any were frozen. They used to mail you a letter, but now you get to call, which is much quicker and more convenient.
Of the 2 that we put in, one was an 8 cell embryo (which is where they should be by Day 3) and one was a 6 cell, so a little behind. He says sometimes they are slow growing and then have a growth spurt. They had a grade of 1.2 and 1.7. They did assisted hatching with them so if/when they do reach the blastocyst stage, they have a better chance of hatching out and attaching to the uterine lining. Here are their pictures:
Rob and I were joking while we waited in the room for the Embryologist to come in. We always "name" our embryos. The first time we had Hoorhay and Bobby. The second time was Woody. The two frozen cycles I guess we didn't name them. But we felt these 2 new fresh ones needed names. I've been so negative about this whole process, just certain that it wouldn't work, and Rob has been calling me Negative Nancy. My friend Heidi has called me Debbie Downer. (You all remember Debbie Downer, right? The famous SNL skit where Rachel Dratch and her cast mates can't keep it together during the skit with Lindsey Lohan supposedly set in Disney World, the happiest place on earth)? Rob and I were joking that one of the lines she completely loses it on is "Well, it's official. I can't have children!" So, laughingly we decided to name our embryos Debbie and Nancy.
We then traveled across the hall to have Transfer. By this time the Valium has really kicked in and I'm relaxed. They check to see if my bladder is full, and as always, it was too full. I had to go empty a bit out. Not fun. Then Doctor Stassart comes in. Joanie - my FAVORITE nurse there - goes through everything with us; what's about to go down, even though we've been there lots of times before. Dr. Stassart gave us an article about how promising the uterine scraping we had done in November has been to successful outcomes. Maybe that will be the trick this time! We mentioned to Dr. Stassart about how we were nervous that this was our last time and he threw something out there that if we wanted, he would be willing to continue to work with us because we did have success one time. He said if we had three rounds of no pregnancy then he would say we could be done, but it was like he was hinting that for the same $26,000 we could keep trying. He said we could talk about it after we know the results of this round. While that is encouraging that he believes this could work for us, part of me is just really, and I mean REALLY, ready to walk away from IVF...but there's that part of me that isn't ready to walk away from the idea of having our own baby, a little Jennine/Rob. BUT, adoption sounds more exciting and wonderful each day. One step at a time. And, I believe it's out of my control anyway. Only God knows how this story ends.
The transfer took some time. Dr. Stassart had a hard time getting the catheter exactly where he wanted it because my ovaries are so huge. Stupid ovaries. Eventually it was time to bring in Will who shoots the little guys (or in this case, little ladies) into their new home. Then, it's all over. Will confirms that they are all out of the tube, and then I lay there for 6 minutes, put on my clothes, go to the bathroom, and go home.
The drive home was treacherous. Poor Robbie. We didn't get home until 7:00pm. Once home I went straight to bed since I had to lay flat with just one pillow. Rob made me a BLTsandwich in bed. Before long I was sleeping...I guess HGTV wasn't holding my interest.
This morning I got up and took my meds. While I was peeing, my cat decided to eat a plastic wrapper out of the garbage can. Since I was on the toilet, I couldn't jump up and wrangle it away from him. (TMI, sorry). So, I yelled, and screamed, and then jumped up and pulled it away from him. I'm sure that extreme overreaction was good for implantation. I suck. So, now I am just resting on the couch. I have to remember that it's not little incidents like that that prevent pregnancy. But, it weighs heavily on you when you know they just want you laying around yet you're yelling and wrestling with a cat instead. Ugh!
Our first blood pregnancy test is scheduled for 12/26 and our second confirmation test is scheduled for 12/27. Unusual that they are just 1 day apart, but that is because they didn't want me to have to wait the weekend to find out. They said they just need to see that the numbers are growing at a certain ratio---doesn't matter if it's 1 day or 2 days in between. Again, odd. So, I will probably break the rules and take a pregnancy test on CHRISTMAS DAY. That way, if I am pregnant, what a great Christmas present! And, if I'm not, then I can tell everyone at family Christmas instead of listening to them all "hope" that it worked. :)
So that's it for now. Sorry for such a long blog! Back to bedrest I go!
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Hello from nausea land
Well, on Thursday night we left for MN at about 6pm. I was SOOOOO sick I was crying. I'm not sure what all the nausea has been about this time around. We made it to Wauwauwega when we got pulled over for speeding. The cop was very nice. He gave us the option of giving us a $10 fine for no insurance (even though we HAD proof of insurance) or a $200+ speeding ticket. Hmmm, what would you choose? So our $10 ticket should show up in the mail soon.
In Stevens Point Rob stopped for McDonald's. I tried to eat just a plain hamburger but took one bite and had to spit it out the window. The only thing I could get down was some crackers that we brought from home mainly just so I could get my antibiotics down. I was able to nap for about 2 hours in the car and felt better when I woke up. Poor Rob had to drive in the dark alone...I always feel guilty sleeping....I think I should stay awake to keep him company.
We got to our hotel at 10pm and unloaded all our stuff. When we opened the door to our room it just stunk of cigarette smoke. Not cool considering I had booked a non-smoking room...and the smell was sure to not help my nausea! But, it was so late and we had already parked the car down by the entrance near our room and hauled all our bags in that we just "dealt with it." Today though, I emailed the hotel my disappointment.
The next morning we got up around 8am and started getting ready for our appointment. I had doctor's orders to not eat or drink anything that morning due to the anesthesia, which was a bummer because I hadn't eaten anything except crackers at 7pm the day before. Rob was able to enjoy continental breakfast at the hotel. We got to our appointment right on time for Rob to have his appointment for his "contribution" to this process. :) Then they took me back for the same old drill. Weigh in, take blood pressure, put gown on, start IV. She tried to do the IV in my arm, but wasn't successful. She put the needle in and dug around FOREVER. She said my veins were small from being dehydrated. Which I could understand with how little I had had to eat and drink within the last day. They finally found a vein in my hand. After my IV was in they took me right across the hall to the procedure room to get started. I had mentioned to my nurse that my instructions never told me to use my Lupron trigger shot that they had sent me. She seemed surprised but said she would check on it. I had texted my nurse here in Appleton to confirm that it wasn't in my insructions the night I would've had to administer it, and she agreed that it was not in there. Perhaps I should've called RMIA direct that night. Darn it.
The anesthesiologist came in and got me started. It's funny how fast I pass out after that. Rob said Dr. Stassart came in and that I greeted him, but I DO NOT remember that at all. The next thing I knew, I woke up back in the room I started in. Rob video-taped me waking up. Not a pretty video! I don't remember the travel from one room to the other. They apparently slide me from one bed to the other and then wheel me across the hall, although on the video Rob tries to tell me that I "danced" from one room to the next. They told me they retrieved 13 eggs. I was a little bummed about that. The last 2 times we had 22 each time. This time, only 13. That seems like significantly less. Less to grow to Blastocyst stage. Less to have frozen. Oh well. It is what it is.
My nurse then gave me my nutter butter cookie snack with apple juice. Once my IV finished, I was able to get dressed and we could go home. My nurse then explained to me that I SHOULD have taken my Lupron trigger, that it was a computer error that they didn't tell me to (UGH!) but that everything should be just fine because I triggered with HCG, and I got 13 eggs. It still bums me out though because our first IVF try we didn't do the Lupron trigger, and our eggs were of poor quality and we didn't get pregnant. Our second protocol was so much better with the Lupron trigger, and we did get pregnant. I'm really hoping that not doing the Lupron isn't going to affect the process in any way. The real unfortunate thing is that we paid for that med for nothing. I suppose we should try to get our money back on that one. Annoying.
We headed out for home right around noon yesterday. The anesthesiologist suggested we get some "comfort" food for lunch. We stopped at Subway and I tried to eat some soup, but it was not happening. I was so sick - again! We headed out for home and I tried to sleep but I was just fighting nausea with every fiber of my being. I finally had to have Rob pull over on a side road and I "firehose" vomited several times. After that I felt like a million bucks. We made it the rest of the way home without incident.
Once home I cozied in on the couch and slept most of the night. We have instructions to call "med voice" - an automated service - tomorrow after 2pm to find out if our transfer will be on day 3 or day 5. Our plan was to get to a day 5 transfer, like last time, but I guess you can never tell until they see how they are growing in the lab. I will be frustrated if we have a day 3 transfer since that is also what happened the first time and we were unsuccessful. I'm hoping we have something make it to day 5. But - people do get pregnant on day 3 transfers. If they're not growing super well in the lab, the best place for them to be is inside me, so we'll just leave it to the experts and see what happens. If it is a day 3, we'll be headed back to MN on Monday already.
Today I'm taking it easy, somewhat. I got up, paid bills, had Rob run me to the grocery store, made blue berry muffins, and spritz cookies, got the laundry going, and now I'm relaxing, blogging and watching HGTV. I had a little bout of nausea today, but nothing like I was having. I'm at risk for OHSS so I have to drink lots of water and gatorade. I think it is that condition that makes me feel so icky. We're having more comfort food for lunch - grilled cheese and tomato soup. Yum!
Rob is busy working away in the basement - by himself!!! He's got a drywall lift and he's screwing drywall into the ceiling all on his own. He's amazing.
I'm very happy to have our last retrieval behind us. It's so much to go through. I sure hope we get pregnant and have a baby this time, but even if we don't, I'm getting ready to kiss IVF goodbye! It's been a long year and a half.
In Stevens Point Rob stopped for McDonald's. I tried to eat just a plain hamburger but took one bite and had to spit it out the window. The only thing I could get down was some crackers that we brought from home mainly just so I could get my antibiotics down. I was able to nap for about 2 hours in the car and felt better when I woke up. Poor Rob had to drive in the dark alone...I always feel guilty sleeping....I think I should stay awake to keep him company.
We got to our hotel at 10pm and unloaded all our stuff. When we opened the door to our room it just stunk of cigarette smoke. Not cool considering I had booked a non-smoking room...and the smell was sure to not help my nausea! But, it was so late and we had already parked the car down by the entrance near our room and hauled all our bags in that we just "dealt with it." Today though, I emailed the hotel my disappointment.
The next morning we got up around 8am and started getting ready for our appointment. I had doctor's orders to not eat or drink anything that morning due to the anesthesia, which was a bummer because I hadn't eaten anything except crackers at 7pm the day before. Rob was able to enjoy continental breakfast at the hotel. We got to our appointment right on time for Rob to have his appointment for his "contribution" to this process. :) Then they took me back for the same old drill. Weigh in, take blood pressure, put gown on, start IV. She tried to do the IV in my arm, but wasn't successful. She put the needle in and dug around FOREVER. She said my veins were small from being dehydrated. Which I could understand with how little I had had to eat and drink within the last day. They finally found a vein in my hand. After my IV was in they took me right across the hall to the procedure room to get started. I had mentioned to my nurse that my instructions never told me to use my Lupron trigger shot that they had sent me. She seemed surprised but said she would check on it. I had texted my nurse here in Appleton to confirm that it wasn't in my insructions the night I would've had to administer it, and she agreed that it was not in there. Perhaps I should've called RMIA direct that night. Darn it.
The anesthesiologist came in and got me started. It's funny how fast I pass out after that. Rob said Dr. Stassart came in and that I greeted him, but I DO NOT remember that at all. The next thing I knew, I woke up back in the room I started in. Rob video-taped me waking up. Not a pretty video! I don't remember the travel from one room to the other. They apparently slide me from one bed to the other and then wheel me across the hall, although on the video Rob tries to tell me that I "danced" from one room to the next. They told me they retrieved 13 eggs. I was a little bummed about that. The last 2 times we had 22 each time. This time, only 13. That seems like significantly less. Less to grow to Blastocyst stage. Less to have frozen. Oh well. It is what it is.
My nurse then gave me my nutter butter cookie snack with apple juice. Once my IV finished, I was able to get dressed and we could go home. My nurse then explained to me that I SHOULD have taken my Lupron trigger, that it was a computer error that they didn't tell me to (UGH!) but that everything should be just fine because I triggered with HCG, and I got 13 eggs. It still bums me out though because our first IVF try we didn't do the Lupron trigger, and our eggs were of poor quality and we didn't get pregnant. Our second protocol was so much better with the Lupron trigger, and we did get pregnant. I'm really hoping that not doing the Lupron isn't going to affect the process in any way. The real unfortunate thing is that we paid for that med for nothing. I suppose we should try to get our money back on that one. Annoying.
We headed out for home right around noon yesterday. The anesthesiologist suggested we get some "comfort" food for lunch. We stopped at Subway and I tried to eat some soup, but it was not happening. I was so sick - again! We headed out for home and I tried to sleep but I was just fighting nausea with every fiber of my being. I finally had to have Rob pull over on a side road and I "firehose" vomited several times. After that I felt like a million bucks. We made it the rest of the way home without incident.
Once home I cozied in on the couch and slept most of the night. We have instructions to call "med voice" - an automated service - tomorrow after 2pm to find out if our transfer will be on day 3 or day 5. Our plan was to get to a day 5 transfer, like last time, but I guess you can never tell until they see how they are growing in the lab. I will be frustrated if we have a day 3 transfer since that is also what happened the first time and we were unsuccessful. I'm hoping we have something make it to day 5. But - people do get pregnant on day 3 transfers. If they're not growing super well in the lab, the best place for them to be is inside me, so we'll just leave it to the experts and see what happens. If it is a day 3, we'll be headed back to MN on Monday already.
Today I'm taking it easy, somewhat. I got up, paid bills, had Rob run me to the grocery store, made blue berry muffins, and spritz cookies, got the laundry going, and now I'm relaxing, blogging and watching HGTV. I had a little bout of nausea today, but nothing like I was having. I'm at risk for OHSS so I have to drink lots of water and gatorade. I think it is that condition that makes me feel so icky. We're having more comfort food for lunch - grilled cheese and tomato soup. Yum!
Rob is busy working away in the basement - by himself!!! He's got a drywall lift and he's screwing drywall into the ceiling all on his own. He's amazing.
I'm very happy to have our last retrieval behind us. It's so much to go through. I sure hope we get pregnant and have a baby this time, but even if we don't, I'm getting ready to kiss IVF goodbye! It's been a long year and a half.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Friday the 13th
Well, it can't get more lucky than this...or can it? Our retrieval is scheduled for Friday, the 13th. We had an ultrasound this morning that showed those little follicles growing like mad! I winced as she moved the ultrasound wand around...there's not much room in there so it's pretty tender right now - 2 more days!
My nurse called this afternoon and gave us our final instructions. I have to start taking a med tonight to help with my OHSS symptoms, and I have to do my HCG trigger shot precisely at 11pm. 11pm! That is late! I'm usually asleep for 2 hours by that time. Hmmm...better set quadruple alarms to make sure we get up to do that shot since I know we're not staying awake that late! Tomorrow I have to do another blood draw at 6:30am. I don't remember that happening last time. I wonder what that is all about. Are they worried about something? Plus, my trigger shot tonight is only 5,000 units, not 10,000 HCG...so who knows. Hopefully we get some good eggs on Friday.
Our appointment for Rob is at 9:40am Friday morning. We will travel tomorrow night and stay at our home away from home - the Country Inn and Suites of Woodbury. We thought about just driving there Friday morning - EARLY - but then what if there's a car accident, or a break down....retrieval is extremely time sensitive so I'm not willing to chance it. We will be hoteling it up tomorrow night. Rob does his thing then at 9:40am, and then our retrieval is scheduled for 11am. Then we'll get to drive on home.
I'm looking forward to having this part behind us. All the meds and sore ovaries are a lot to manage. The 2 week wait is murder, but at least then I don't have to shoot myself up!
That's about it for now. I will post more hopefully on Friday. Please pray for us or keep us in your thoughts - hoping for a good number of healthy eggs to fertilize! This is our last chance!
My nurse called this afternoon and gave us our final instructions. I have to start taking a med tonight to help with my OHSS symptoms, and I have to do my HCG trigger shot precisely at 11pm. 11pm! That is late! I'm usually asleep for 2 hours by that time. Hmmm...better set quadruple alarms to make sure we get up to do that shot since I know we're not staying awake that late! Tomorrow I have to do another blood draw at 6:30am. I don't remember that happening last time. I wonder what that is all about. Are they worried about something? Plus, my trigger shot tonight is only 5,000 units, not 10,000 HCG...so who knows. Hopefully we get some good eggs on Friday.
Our appointment for Rob is at 9:40am Friday morning. We will travel tomorrow night and stay at our home away from home - the Country Inn and Suites of Woodbury. We thought about just driving there Friday morning - EARLY - but then what if there's a car accident, or a break down....retrieval is extremely time sensitive so I'm not willing to chance it. We will be hoteling it up tomorrow night. Rob does his thing then at 9:40am, and then our retrieval is scheduled for 11am. Then we'll get to drive on home.
I'm looking forward to having this part behind us. All the meds and sore ovaries are a lot to manage. The 2 week wait is murder, but at least then I don't have to shoot myself up!
That's about it for now. I will post more hopefully on Friday. Please pray for us or keep us in your thoughts - hoping for a good number of healthy eggs to fertilize! This is our last chance!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Speidi long time...
I can't believe I haven't written since Saturday! Where does the time go? Again, it's been a busy few days! Today especially! While I like nothing more than a challenging last minute team project with an immediate deadline at work, it's tough when you're as tired as I was today...and my poor little doggie bladders were filling up while I cranked out that last extra hour and a half of work. It's nice to be home now - ate, got the laundry started, pushed the garbage to the curb...and as soon as I'm done typing this I get to watch my much anticipated Heidi and Spencer story which I DVRed last night! (How lame am I?)
No word on Tally's vet results yet, they were sent off to a Lab at Cornell University! My vet did hint though that he has a good feeling about her prognosis - so fingers crossed!
Yesterday I had an ultrasound and blood work. My silly little follicles are dragging their feet! (They don't have feet really, it's just a figure of speech). We were supposed to have tentative retrieval tomorrow, but instead I'm just scheduled for yet another ultrasound. My technician didn't think I would have as many follicles as last time. My fear gets the better of me and I hope we have enough to produce some quality blastocysts. One day at a time!
If I were to have my best guess, I'd say we'll be traveling to MN on Friday, but we will have to see what tomorrow morning brings. So far I'm not feeling TERRIBLY uncomfortable...I mean...I have begun to feel my ovaries the last 3 days only. On Sunday I actually had a bout of nausea that sent me hovering over the toilet like my old hangover days of yore. I sure don't miss that feeling! Yesterday I ate entirely too much which didn't have me feeling that great either. Today I was just dragging...so tired....that has to be due to all the meds my body is processing. Looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight.
Tonight we continue on with 2 more shots and then I'm anxious to see what they find tomorrow. I hope we're cleared for retrieval. I'm ready to just get this all past us!
OK - time to check in with Speidi! I'll write more tomorrow.
No word on Tally's vet results yet, they were sent off to a Lab at Cornell University! My vet did hint though that he has a good feeling about her prognosis - so fingers crossed!
Yesterday I had an ultrasound and blood work. My silly little follicles are dragging their feet! (They don't have feet really, it's just a figure of speech). We were supposed to have tentative retrieval tomorrow, but instead I'm just scheduled for yet another ultrasound. My technician didn't think I would have as many follicles as last time. My fear gets the better of me and I hope we have enough to produce some quality blastocysts. One day at a time!
If I were to have my best guess, I'd say we'll be traveling to MN on Friday, but we will have to see what tomorrow morning brings. So far I'm not feeling TERRIBLY uncomfortable...I mean...I have begun to feel my ovaries the last 3 days only. On Sunday I actually had a bout of nausea that sent me hovering over the toilet like my old hangover days of yore. I sure don't miss that feeling! Yesterday I ate entirely too much which didn't have me feeling that great either. Today I was just dragging...so tired....that has to be due to all the meds my body is processing. Looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight.
Tonight we continue on with 2 more shots and then I'm anxious to see what they find tomorrow. I hope we're cleared for retrieval. I'm ready to just get this all past us!
OK - time to check in with Speidi! I'll write more tomorrow.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Saturday Sputterings
There's not a ton to write about but it looks like some of you are reading this - so here you go, my devoted friends!
It's been a busy couple of days! Thursday was VERY busy. I took Tally to the vet at 7:30am and dropped her off for countless tests. They did an abdominal ultrasound, chest and abdomen x-rays, blood work and a special pancreas light test. Literally $1,000 later and I don't really know what, if anything, is wrong with her yet!! I am hoping my Vet calls on Monday with the results the bloodwork and pancreas test. The Ultrasound showed that her intestines were slightly thicker in some spots, which is not a normal indicator of inflammatory bowel disease. The pancreas was slightly larger too, which could've maybe indicated pancreatitis. Overall, she's just thin. BUT, she gained back the tenth of a pound she had lost...so instead of being 4.9 she is now 5.0 pounds again, but about a year ago she was 5.5, so she's still significantly thinner, and she itches all the time. Scratches her face till the fur comes off and her whiskers break off. Poor little girl. I've been watching to make sure she eats more (she's such a slow eater!). I'm hoping that will help; both put the weight on and give her strength to fight any disease she might have going on.
Also on Thursday I went to the dentist, and then handed out holiday hams at work from 5:30pm-9:30pm. Needless to say, Thursday was a long and busy day!
Friday I had an ultrasound and bloodwork appointment (me and the cat - both doing ultrasounds and bloodwork!). My follicles are growing. I had one that was like 9.7 on the left side, and one that was 10.something on the right. Both sides look like chocolate chip cookies on the u/s screen. They said they like to see them around 18, and once they hit about 12, they really take off, so I was nearly there on Friday. Surprisingly, I'm not having any discomfort (yet). I mean, I feel great - hoping that feeling lasts right on through retrieval. With feeling so normal though, it's hard to believe my insides are doing what they're supposed to be doing...it just doesn't feel like anything is happening!
My nurse called on Friday night to say that we would add some more meds in on Sunday night, and then hold my meds on Monday morning and come back for another ultrasound. I'm betting by then we will be close to trigger shotting it. :)
Today, Mom and I went to lunch at the Radisson, which was a holiday celebration hosted by Appleton Alliance Church. It was a women's lunch gathering, with great food and a beautiful message. I couldn't believe the number of women there who were choosing to be there rather than fighting the mall for much needed Christmas gifts. Very wonderful. So grateful for that positive in our lives.
This evening Rob and I went to Menards and got some drywall! Yay! We are SO CLOSE to closing up those darn basement walls and getting it to look like real rooms again down there! We have a few more inspections to pass, and need the spray foam insulation guys to come out...but Rob is working on the cement board in the shower for now. We bought some really cool tile to put up and can't wait to get started on those fun finishes. We're hoping to have it all finished up by the Super Bowl so we could entertain the idea of throwing a party to show off all of Rob's hard work. He does such an incredible job and I'm always so proud of him. He's such a great husband. I could tell you a really funny story from our time alone together in the ultrasound room on Friday, but I think I'll keep that one just between him and I. :)
On an extremely sad note, the woman I had been writing about in my blog who was trying to save her IVF twins lost them last week. She posted a quote to her friends, "Don't pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to deal with a difficult one." I thought that was so beautiful. I saw on Facebook one of my friends posted that she knows 3 couples who are pregnant right now. While that is beautiful for all those couples, whoever they may be, it still made me sad. It always seems so effortless to everyone else. Pregnancy for me has become like climbing Mt. Everest! Even Kelly Clarkson on Ellen...(her interview was great by the way...super funny) she's 11 weeks pregnant. Talking about it without a fear in the world. Singing her heart out, bouncing around dancing on stage...seriously the only thought running through my head was, "hopefully she doesn't have a miscarriage." And, she probably won't, but to me, that is what being early pregnant means...it means expecting a miscarriage. Total insanity.
Overall I'm looking forward to this week. I'm going to be unimaginably busy at work trying to tie up lose ends for benefits before the new year hits...and then I'll have to take a day or so off to go have retrieval. I can't even envision how it will all work out, but it will. It always does. One day at a time!
It's been a busy couple of days! Thursday was VERY busy. I took Tally to the vet at 7:30am and dropped her off for countless tests. They did an abdominal ultrasound, chest and abdomen x-rays, blood work and a special pancreas light test. Literally $1,000 later and I don't really know what, if anything, is wrong with her yet!! I am hoping my Vet calls on Monday with the results the bloodwork and pancreas test. The Ultrasound showed that her intestines were slightly thicker in some spots, which is not a normal indicator of inflammatory bowel disease. The pancreas was slightly larger too, which could've maybe indicated pancreatitis. Overall, she's just thin. BUT, she gained back the tenth of a pound she had lost...so instead of being 4.9 she is now 5.0 pounds again, but about a year ago she was 5.5, so she's still significantly thinner, and she itches all the time. Scratches her face till the fur comes off and her whiskers break off. Poor little girl. I've been watching to make sure she eats more (she's such a slow eater!). I'm hoping that will help; both put the weight on and give her strength to fight any disease she might have going on.
Also on Thursday I went to the dentist, and then handed out holiday hams at work from 5:30pm-9:30pm. Needless to say, Thursday was a long and busy day!
Friday I had an ultrasound and bloodwork appointment (me and the cat - both doing ultrasounds and bloodwork!). My follicles are growing. I had one that was like 9.7 on the left side, and one that was 10.something on the right. Both sides look like chocolate chip cookies on the u/s screen. They said they like to see them around 18, and once they hit about 12, they really take off, so I was nearly there on Friday. Surprisingly, I'm not having any discomfort (yet). I mean, I feel great - hoping that feeling lasts right on through retrieval. With feeling so normal though, it's hard to believe my insides are doing what they're supposed to be doing...it just doesn't feel like anything is happening!
My nurse called on Friday night to say that we would add some more meds in on Sunday night, and then hold my meds on Monday morning and come back for another ultrasound. I'm betting by then we will be close to trigger shotting it. :)
Today, Mom and I went to lunch at the Radisson, which was a holiday celebration hosted by Appleton Alliance Church. It was a women's lunch gathering, with great food and a beautiful message. I couldn't believe the number of women there who were choosing to be there rather than fighting the mall for much needed Christmas gifts. Very wonderful. So grateful for that positive in our lives.
This evening Rob and I went to Menards and got some drywall! Yay! We are SO CLOSE to closing up those darn basement walls and getting it to look like real rooms again down there! We have a few more inspections to pass, and need the spray foam insulation guys to come out...but Rob is working on the cement board in the shower for now. We bought some really cool tile to put up and can't wait to get started on those fun finishes. We're hoping to have it all finished up by the Super Bowl so we could entertain the idea of throwing a party to show off all of Rob's hard work. He does such an incredible job and I'm always so proud of him. He's such a great husband. I could tell you a really funny story from our time alone together in the ultrasound room on Friday, but I think I'll keep that one just between him and I. :)
On an extremely sad note, the woman I had been writing about in my blog who was trying to save her IVF twins lost them last week. She posted a quote to her friends, "Don't pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to deal with a difficult one." I thought that was so beautiful. I saw on Facebook one of my friends posted that she knows 3 couples who are pregnant right now. While that is beautiful for all those couples, whoever they may be, it still made me sad. It always seems so effortless to everyone else. Pregnancy for me has become like climbing Mt. Everest! Even Kelly Clarkson on Ellen...(her interview was great by the way...super funny) she's 11 weeks pregnant. Talking about it without a fear in the world. Singing her heart out, bouncing around dancing on stage...seriously the only thought running through my head was, "hopefully she doesn't have a miscarriage." And, she probably won't, but to me, that is what being early pregnant means...it means expecting a miscarriage. Total insanity.
Overall I'm looking forward to this week. I'm going to be unimaginably busy at work trying to tie up lose ends for benefits before the new year hits...and then I'll have to take a day or so off to go have retrieval. I can't even envision how it will all work out, but it will. It always does. One day at a time!
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
I'm thinking Jimmy Johns
Jimmy Johns just delivered because I couldn't imagine feeding my husband another frozen pizza. One of these days I will start cooking.
Anyway, I had my first ultrasound this morning to see how our little follicles are growing. Apparently they are, but very slowly and aren't much to brag about right now....which is no doubt why I feel so good. My nurse warns that they will catch up to me! I have to do another injection tonight, a bigger dose tomorrow morning, and back to normal on Friday when I have another ultrasound. Pretty standard.
Today at my u/s I had a technician who I've had many times before. They all know me there. I'm one of the infertility clinics best customers, no doubt. She looked at my chart and said "I didn't realize we live so close to each other!" I said "Oh, do you live on Capitol Drive?" She said, "No, I live on Sunset" (which is the road right behind ours). She said "What part of Capitol do you live on?" I said "Between Richmond and Oneida," and she said "Oh, so do I!" I said "The people with the 2 Boxer dogs that just built the fence this summer are right in my backyard." She said "I live right across the street from them....well kind of diagonally. I have the blue house with the brick." and I said, "Do you hang a big lighted Christmas wreath out front each year?" and she said "Yep! That's our house!" And I said "Oh - I can see that from my kitchen window. I look at that wreath when I do dishes!" So now I'm the stalker neighbor...but oh well! She said "when you have your babies, you'll have to push them in the stroller around the block and come say hi!" How cute! :)
The story I reported on yesterday about the girl with the twins...without going into too much detail, it currently is quite a miracle. She still has both babies. She is looking at bedrest in the hospital for about a month if she wants to have any chance at keeping them. She had contractions this morning, but so far they're still hanging in there. Keep the prayers coming for that family!
Ok - stomach growling - time to go eat that sub...freaky fast!
Anyway, I had my first ultrasound this morning to see how our little follicles are growing. Apparently they are, but very slowly and aren't much to brag about right now....which is no doubt why I feel so good. My nurse warns that they will catch up to me! I have to do another injection tonight, a bigger dose tomorrow morning, and back to normal on Friday when I have another ultrasound. Pretty standard.
Today at my u/s I had a technician who I've had many times before. They all know me there. I'm one of the infertility clinics best customers, no doubt. She looked at my chart and said "I didn't realize we live so close to each other!" I said "Oh, do you live on Capitol Drive?" She said, "No, I live on Sunset" (which is the road right behind ours). She said "What part of Capitol do you live on?" I said "Between Richmond and Oneida," and she said "Oh, so do I!" I said "The people with the 2 Boxer dogs that just built the fence this summer are right in my backyard." She said "I live right across the street from them....well kind of diagonally. I have the blue house with the brick." and I said, "Do you hang a big lighted Christmas wreath out front each year?" and she said "Yep! That's our house!" And I said "Oh - I can see that from my kitchen window. I look at that wreath when I do dishes!" So now I'm the stalker neighbor...but oh well! She said "when you have your babies, you'll have to push them in the stroller around the block and come say hi!" How cute! :)
The story I reported on yesterday about the girl with the twins...without going into too much detail, it currently is quite a miracle. She still has both babies. She is looking at bedrest in the hospital for about a month if she wants to have any chance at keeping them. She had contractions this morning, but so far they're still hanging in there. Keep the prayers coming for that family!
Ok - stomach growling - time to go eat that sub...freaky fast!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
There. I blogged.
Well, to keep up with the blogging, here I am.
Nothing new to report today. I did have blood work yesterday and my nurse called me late yesterday and said that I needed to do another shot last night of more stim meds, and then a bigger dose this morning, and back to my regular dose tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning I have an ultrasound and more blood work to see how things are progressing. I really don't feel anything, which is slightly bumming me out. Last time my ovaries hurt so bad I could barely walk, which encouraged me that things were working, but maybe I should be careful what I wish for. Those days may be just around the corner for me. We will see tomorrow what we're working with.
Today was an interesting day. I got home from work and my mom texted that they "lost their cat." Dolly the cat had gotten outside when my mom hung a Christmas wreath on the front door. Mom's text wasn't clear at first that they had found her! I was worried sick! I was ready to strap on my boots and go hunting through mom's woods to find poor Dolly before she froze to death. Thankfully my dad found her in their backyard. She was so scared she "screaowed" (Scream meowed) at him to let her back inside! Poor little cat. It would've been DEVASTATING to our family to have lost her right before the holidays like this. (Well, it'd be terrible to lose her anytime, but really, right before Christmas?! C'mon!)
So after learning that Dolly was home safe and sound, I headed downstairs to feed my own kitties. That is when I noticed our cat food bowls pushed oddly out of place, and licked clean. The culprit? Rodger. Our basement is in the process of being remodeled, so to keep the dogs from getting at the cat food requires strategic placement of several baby gates across the open stud-framed walls. Rob forgot to put one where it belonged last night, much to Rodger's delight. :) He had a good Tuesday. The cats did not. I think to express his distaste, Rocky the cat decided to "think outside the box" when going number 2 today. That was a fun one for mommy to deal with as well. TMI, and super gross I know, but welcome to a day in my life. Pretty soon ROB will have to clean the cat boxes, when I am pregnant with our twins. :)
Speaking of pregnant with twins, some sad news. My co-worker has a close friend who was 19 weeks pregnant with twins conceived via IVF. When she got pregnant she suffered from severe OHSS and spent days in the hospital. The only positive to the OHSS being so bad was that it probably was a good indicator that the IVF had worked...which it did. She found out on Friday that the twins she was carrying were both boys. But then she started bleeding and as of yesterday was pretty certain she was losing one of the twins, and was hoping to hold on to the other one. As of today I have not heard what happened. My heart absolutely breaks for her. Just to survive IVF is one thing. To get a positive pregnancy test is another hurdle to be ecstatic to leap over. Then to find out it's twins - pure elation! To make it past 12 weeks of pregnancy; if it were me I'd think I had it in the bag! Then, to be slammed with such insurmountable grief, I cannot even imagine. You have to be extremely strong to take on this IVF journey because you just never know the outcome. I am so saddened by this news, and I don't even know her other than as a friend of a friend. I can only imagine a fraction of the pain she must be going through. How do you even go on after something like that? I'm sure today she may feel that she simply can't. But she will.
On a lighter note, I delighted in seeing my brother-in-law and sister-in-law's Christmas Card online today. The shot of Randy, Alyson, Cab and Jack is just priceless. It reminded me that should IVF really never work for us, my family of 5 fur-children will be more than enough to keep my heart warm while we start the adoption process. Speaking of fur children, prayers please for my kitty Tally. She is our youngest cat - but by young, I am still talking like 10 years old (since none of our cats are young anymore). She was a tiny stray that I rescued back in 2003. I had gone out for Christmas Dinner at Marty's Place with the girls from work. Rob was in California at the time. I brought home some leftover fish and opened my patio door to feed it to the little stray who I had been feeding cat food to for weeks. It was bitter cold and she had been living in a garbage can that I had laid sideways on my deck and had stuffed with hay so she could keep warm. That night, when she tasted the fish, she decided this was too good to pass up and she bolted through my open patio door into my home...and into my heart. 10 years later and our little Tally is losing weight, significantly. We've already run 2 blood tests which came back normal for metabolic diseases, meaning she doesn't have a thyroid condition or diabetes. So, that leaves my Vet to worry that she has an intestinal disease, possibly even intestinal or pancreatic cancer. She is going in for an ultrasound, xrays, and more bloodwork on Thursday. Just getting her to the Vet is quite the treat, and she will have been there 3 times in the last 2 weeks after Thursday's visit. Hoping we get good news Thursday, or, if it's bad news, that there's some sort of hope. Can't even imagine losing her right now - right in the middle of trying to not stress with IVF, and right smack dab in the middle of the joyful holiday season. We all have our fingers, toes, tails, and whiskers crossed over here!
Well, that's about it for tonight. It's nearly time to give Dumb and Dumber (Cecil and Rodger) their bedtime treat, then it's time to cuddle up on a blanket on the floor until bedtime. That's our routine these days. Rodger is such a cuddler. :) My 6:30am ultrasound appointment will be here before I know it. Hard to believe that we could be at retrieval just one week from tomorrow!
Nothing new to report today. I did have blood work yesterday and my nurse called me late yesterday and said that I needed to do another shot last night of more stim meds, and then a bigger dose this morning, and back to my regular dose tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning I have an ultrasound and more blood work to see how things are progressing. I really don't feel anything, which is slightly bumming me out. Last time my ovaries hurt so bad I could barely walk, which encouraged me that things were working, but maybe I should be careful what I wish for. Those days may be just around the corner for me. We will see tomorrow what we're working with.
Today was an interesting day. I got home from work and my mom texted that they "lost their cat." Dolly the cat had gotten outside when my mom hung a Christmas wreath on the front door. Mom's text wasn't clear at first that they had found her! I was worried sick! I was ready to strap on my boots and go hunting through mom's woods to find poor Dolly before she froze to death. Thankfully my dad found her in their backyard. She was so scared she "screaowed" (Scream meowed) at him to let her back inside! Poor little cat. It would've been DEVASTATING to our family to have lost her right before the holidays like this. (Well, it'd be terrible to lose her anytime, but really, right before Christmas?! C'mon!)
So after learning that Dolly was home safe and sound, I headed downstairs to feed my own kitties. That is when I noticed our cat food bowls pushed oddly out of place, and licked clean. The culprit? Rodger. Our basement is in the process of being remodeled, so to keep the dogs from getting at the cat food requires strategic placement of several baby gates across the open stud-framed walls. Rob forgot to put one where it belonged last night, much to Rodger's delight. :) He had a good Tuesday. The cats did not. I think to express his distaste, Rocky the cat decided to "think outside the box" when going number 2 today. That was a fun one for mommy to deal with as well. TMI, and super gross I know, but welcome to a day in my life. Pretty soon ROB will have to clean the cat boxes, when I am pregnant with our twins. :)
Speaking of pregnant with twins, some sad news. My co-worker has a close friend who was 19 weeks pregnant with twins conceived via IVF. When she got pregnant she suffered from severe OHSS and spent days in the hospital. The only positive to the OHSS being so bad was that it probably was a good indicator that the IVF had worked...which it did. She found out on Friday that the twins she was carrying were both boys. But then she started bleeding and as of yesterday was pretty certain she was losing one of the twins, and was hoping to hold on to the other one. As of today I have not heard what happened. My heart absolutely breaks for her. Just to survive IVF is one thing. To get a positive pregnancy test is another hurdle to be ecstatic to leap over. Then to find out it's twins - pure elation! To make it past 12 weeks of pregnancy; if it were me I'd think I had it in the bag! Then, to be slammed with such insurmountable grief, I cannot even imagine. You have to be extremely strong to take on this IVF journey because you just never know the outcome. I am so saddened by this news, and I don't even know her other than as a friend of a friend. I can only imagine a fraction of the pain she must be going through. How do you even go on after something like that? I'm sure today she may feel that she simply can't. But she will.
On a lighter note, I delighted in seeing my brother-in-law and sister-in-law's Christmas Card online today. The shot of Randy, Alyson, Cab and Jack is just priceless. It reminded me that should IVF really never work for us, my family of 5 fur-children will be more than enough to keep my heart warm while we start the adoption process. Speaking of fur children, prayers please for my kitty Tally. She is our youngest cat - but by young, I am still talking like 10 years old (since none of our cats are young anymore). She was a tiny stray that I rescued back in 2003. I had gone out for Christmas Dinner at Marty's Place with the girls from work. Rob was in California at the time. I brought home some leftover fish and opened my patio door to feed it to the little stray who I had been feeding cat food to for weeks. It was bitter cold and she had been living in a garbage can that I had laid sideways on my deck and had stuffed with hay so she could keep warm. That night, when she tasted the fish, she decided this was too good to pass up and she bolted through my open patio door into my home...and into my heart. 10 years later and our little Tally is losing weight, significantly. We've already run 2 blood tests which came back normal for metabolic diseases, meaning she doesn't have a thyroid condition or diabetes. So, that leaves my Vet to worry that she has an intestinal disease, possibly even intestinal or pancreatic cancer. She is going in for an ultrasound, xrays, and more bloodwork on Thursday. Just getting her to the Vet is quite the treat, and she will have been there 3 times in the last 2 weeks after Thursday's visit. Hoping we get good news Thursday, or, if it's bad news, that there's some sort of hope. Can't even imagine losing her right now - right in the middle of trying to not stress with IVF, and right smack dab in the middle of the joyful holiday season. We all have our fingers, toes, tails, and whiskers crossed over here!
Well, that's about it for tonight. It's nearly time to give Dumb and Dumber (Cecil and Rodger) their bedtime treat, then it's time to cuddle up on a blanket on the floor until bedtime. That's our routine these days. Rodger is such a cuddler. :) My 6:30am ultrasound appointment will be here before I know it. Hard to believe that we could be at retrieval just one week from tomorrow!
Monday, December 2, 2013
let the 3rd fresh round begin
Well, when we started this journey I NEVER thought I'd be writing this blog entry. In my mind I thought I'd have my baby by now. Not so. As you can see, I never updated my last blog like I promised I would...back in August...but FYI - that frozen transfer resulted in a negative pregnancy test. Shocking!
So, on Saturday I started my stimulation injections for our 3rd and final fresh IVF try. It's so hard to believe that the last time we tried a fresh transfer was nearly exactly a year ago! Our last fresh try, our retrieval was on 12/12/12 and this time we're targeting 12/11/13. Last time we found out we were pregnant right around the holidays, and I miscarried on 1/23/13.
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." We've been planning to make a baby through IVF for over a year. It hasn't happened, yet life goes on. How quickly a year can go. I'm a year older, which is like a death sentence for infertility. But, I'm also a year wiser. Rob and I laugh now at how we don't even bat an eye at the injections. We used to be so cautious and nervous and worried we weren't doing things right, etc. Now it is so much a "go with the flow" vibe we have going on! We are so relaxed because we know EXACTLY what we are in store for.
I really hope this is going to be our miracle try. Wouldn't it be amazing if the 3rd time really was the charm? In my wildest dreams I can envision a big round pregnant belly, and a beautiful birthing experience, and a little bundle of joy to carry home to a perfectly decorated nursery. I would give anything to be able to experience those moments that so many other first-time moms have.
This blog is a little redundant. I've talked about the same feelings for over a year now. I still long for a child of our own. I still feel sad that it hasn't worked out. The symptoms of the drugs are all the same, moodiness, tiredness, uncomfortableness. Nothing has changed, there's not much new to write about, but I'll try.
I found a quote today: "Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent." (by Jean Kerr) I hope that my feeling of "it's never going to work...we won't get pregnant...we're going to miscarry..." can finally be replaced with "Thank God! It finally worked!"
So, on Saturday I started my stimulation injections for our 3rd and final fresh IVF try. It's so hard to believe that the last time we tried a fresh transfer was nearly exactly a year ago! Our last fresh try, our retrieval was on 12/12/12 and this time we're targeting 12/11/13. Last time we found out we were pregnant right around the holidays, and I miscarried on 1/23/13.
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." We've been planning to make a baby through IVF for over a year. It hasn't happened, yet life goes on. How quickly a year can go. I'm a year older, which is like a death sentence for infertility. But, I'm also a year wiser. Rob and I laugh now at how we don't even bat an eye at the injections. We used to be so cautious and nervous and worried we weren't doing things right, etc. Now it is so much a "go with the flow" vibe we have going on! We are so relaxed because we know EXACTLY what we are in store for.
I really hope this is going to be our miracle try. Wouldn't it be amazing if the 3rd time really was the charm? In my wildest dreams I can envision a big round pregnant belly, and a beautiful birthing experience, and a little bundle of joy to carry home to a perfectly decorated nursery. I would give anything to be able to experience those moments that so many other first-time moms have.
This blog is a little redundant. I've talked about the same feelings for over a year now. I still long for a child of our own. I still feel sad that it hasn't worked out. The symptoms of the drugs are all the same, moodiness, tiredness, uncomfortableness. Nothing has changed, there's not much new to write about, but I'll try.
I found a quote today: "Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent." (by Jean Kerr) I hope that my feeling of "it's never going to work...we won't get pregnant...we're going to miscarry..." can finally be replaced with "Thank God! It finally worked!"
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