Santa didn't bring us what we were hoping for...

Good morning and Merry Christmas!  Tomorrow is my first blood test and Friday is my confirmation blood test to find out if our 3rd and final fresh round of IVF worked or not.  I jumped the gun this morning and took a home pregnancy test...the really good kind...a First Response Early Response, or FRER as they're referred to in the infertility blog world. Sadly, it came up negative.

Now I know, I know.  Sometimes they can be wrong, or sometimes it's too early, but I'm not holding my breath here.  I've taken lots of tests over the years and they've never been wrong.  I know how to use them.  And, I don't think it's too early with tomorrow being my first HCG test.  My nurse will email me tomorrow probably, and if my quant is 0, it will confirm.

For now, I will continue to take all my meds like a good patient, on the off chance that the HPT is wrong, and on Friday, either way, I will be set free from IVF!

So what are my thoughts this morning?  Surprisingly, OK.  I was preparing myself for a failed cycle.  Things just weren't looking too good.  Only 8 mature eggs.  Only one 8 cell on day 3.  No frozens.  I just have learned so much on this journey that I had a hunch this wasn't going to be our miracle baby.  With no frozens, I'm faced with the realization that we really have done all we could to have a biological child of our own, but it was not meant to be. 

When we had our final transfer, Dr. Stassart indicated that he would be willing to keep working with us, but for what?  Nothing new was learned.  There is no new fantastic treatment to try.  I just am done beating my head up against the same brick wall.  IVF is a tough thing to go through even one time, and we did it 5 times, 3 fresh cycles and 2 frozens.  I don't think I'm a quitter to want to move on.

We're not getting any younger and I have to have hope that we will start a family somehow. I'm the type of person that wants to jump into "the next big thing" but Rob will need a little more time to heal from IVF being a big fat failure.   But, when we're ready, I'm excited to start the next chapter in this journey and pursue adoption.  I've known this all along that this was the route we'd take if IVF didn't work, and it finally feels like now I will have a green light to go for it!  IVF left me feeling dead inside.  When it didn't work the first time, and then when we miscarried the second time, it just felt like everything else was just "going through the motions."  I had given control up to Jesus and I believe that he knows a plan for me that is bigger than the one I can dream up for myself.  By stepping back and giving up control, I went through the steps of IVF like a good patient, but I lost my passion for it.  Each negative step just kept wearing me down.  My body has been a science experiment for 1.5 years, and I'm ready to feel some fire inside again!  I know adoption is a long and trying road, but I'm ready to learn all I can about it and forge ahead.

I think Rob and I are meant to do great things.  We weren't meant to just have children the way everyone else does it.  We have different hurdles to go over.  IVF, and infertility in general, is an incredible test of a couple's strength.  I know you've read this blog and know what we've been through but we are the ones that actually lived it.  Every medical procedure (even back to our chlomid, temp charting, and IUI days) every lab test, every pill, every needle, every time under anesthesia, every genetic counseling step, every miscarriage (all 3 of them), every drive to and from MN, we endured together.  We haven't had the joy baby bump pictures, or the beautiful birthing story to tell.  Everything we've been through has led us right back to where we started, childless.  I mean, for those of you with children reading this, really try to imagine if you were never able to have them...no matter how much you love them now, or how badly you wanted them, or how you can't imagine your life without them... imagine that no matter what you tried, you never were able to bring them into this world.  Then you would feel how painful infertility is.

I'm not the only woman to go through infertility.  There are terrible, painful stories out there of miscarriages, and and stillbirths and mid-pregnancy loss.  There are women who try IVF 7, 8, 9 times with no luck.  There are couples who are financially ruined from the cost of the treatments.  I'm not saying I'm better or worse than any of those women, or that Rob and I as a couple are better or worse as any other couple.  I know there are families WITH children who have terrible terrible stories.  Children with cancer, or children with behavioral issues, or physical disabilities that make everyday living difficult and emotionally painful.  I'm not saying we're better or worse than any of those families.  There are people who have perfectly healthy children, and have had no issues having them.  I'm not saying we're better or worse than them.  I'm just saying, after all we've been through, in my opinion, our story is a tough one to bear, but we are incredibly strong, and we'll push through.  Life on earth isn't meant to be easy.  We all will struggle, and this is our struggle.

So far we've been childless our whole lives.  We're OK with that too.  We have a great life with just Rob and I and our pets.  But there is something in us now that longs for something more.  You don't put yourselves through all of that if you don't really want it. 

Part of me is sad, deep down inside, if I really think about it.  It's a punch in the gut to recognize that our final outcome is essentially failure.  It still hurts everytime I hear of someone else that is pregnant (even though I'm happy for them, there is always a "sting" that is associated with it).  It hurts to think I'll never feel a baby kick inside me.  That I'll never look at a child and think "he has Rob's eyes, or my mannerisms."  There is always a part of me that thinks, maybe we should've tried harder when we were younger, and there's the other part of me that is convinced that my eggs and Robbie's sperm just do not, and will not ever make a baby, even though my doctor seems to want to keep trying.  I think there really must be something wrong with one of us, or with our combination, even though all the tests we've had don't show that.  Part of me is afraid to walk away and tell Dr. Stassart, "no more, thank you, even though you think it could still happen, we're done."  What if next time is the time that it would work???  But I'm going to speak from experience here and say that it won't.  :)

Overall the blessing here is that we are finally done with IVF.  All the filled up syringe containers and left-over meds in my spare bedroom can finally get dropped off at their correct disposal sites.  Rob and I can go back to a life of no restrictions - I can lift 10 pounds again (on Saturday), I can exercise, I can take a hot bath, we can have sex - just for fun!  Not to "maybe make a baby."  That ship has sailed!  :)

I will keep up this blog because if I know me, I won't let too much grass grow beneathe my feet before I'm seriously looking into adoption.  I don't want this IVF finality to stop us in our tracks.  I want it to be the catapult that launches us into hopefully a year of hope, joy, and happiness.  We will have to finalize things with RMIA.  It is my understanding that we will have a big check coming our way (get all our money back now that we failed so miserably), and then we can move on.

All we know is that God must have bigger plans for us, and we learned we must wait on His time.  So, all in God's time, my friends.  Someday Rob and I will be able to look back on our lives and see His plan revealed, and I have to believe it will be worth the effort, and the wait!

Retrieval photo

I meant to post this in our blog about retrieval.  We took of picture of me just before retrieval this time as sort of a remembrance of our RMIA experience:

This is before they move you into the procedure room (this was actually taken before they had my IV in too).  Hard to believe I went through retrieval 3 times...and so far still have nothing to show for it!  Erg!  :)

3rd (and final?) transfer done!

Good morning all! It is the day after our embryo transfer.  Here's how everything went. 

On Sunday the 15th we had to call in to find out when our transfer would be...Day 3 or Day 5.  Rob and I were convinced that Day 5 is the best since we had a Day 3 transfer the first time that didn't work and our Day 5 transfer ended in pregnancy.  We were at Rob's parent's house celebrating Christmas and watching football when I had to excuse myself to the bedroom to make the phone call to the clinic to listen to our "message" to see what our instructions were.  My heart was pounding in my chest and then she said "your transfer will take place, tomorrow, 12/16."  I felt devastated.  Our 13 little eggs must not have been achieving rock star status in the lab.  I wrote down all my instructions and then went back out to the living room to try to enjoy the rest of our visit.  The Packer game came on and we watched the miserable first half, and then it was time to head home at halftime .
My ovaries had hurt pretty bad from Friday through Sunday.  Extra strength Tylenol was my friend.  When we got home Randy and Alyson came over so Randy could help Rob carry sheet rock into our basement.  Thank goodness for his help.  Once they left, I was happy to put my jogging pants on to give my ovaries a break.  I started getting ready for our trip in the morning.  Gathering meds, cleaning the house up a bit.  Then Rob turned the game back on and we saw the Packer's amazing comeback!  What a game!  I had posted on Facebook about how Rob and I were not confident in a Day 3 Transfer.  We got wonderful encouraging supportive comments from friends, and Larry said "I almost gave up on the Packers and look what they did.  I refuse to think negative thoughts in your case.  PMA (positive mental attitude)."  He always has to remind me to have PMA.  He (and you all) must think I'm the most negative person in the world....but c'mon, after the year and a half that we've been through, it gets darn hard to hang onto the positive.
That night Rob got the van all ready with my "bed" in the back and we went to bed dreading another 4 hour drive in the morning.
We were on the road by 7:30 on Monday.  We knew snow was coming so we did our best to try to get to MN before hitting any snow.  We made it to just before I-94 when the snow started coming down. 

 

 

This was just the beginning.  Shortly after this it was whiteout conditions.  You could not see more than 10 feet in front of you.  It was VERY scary.  All I could think was, if there is an accident up ahead you would never see it until you would plow into it yourself.  We thankfully made it RIGHT ON TIME for our noon appointment.  Along the way I had to empty my bladder at 11am and start refilling it, and I had to take advil...I was able to keep on schedule with all those instructions even in spite of the storm.

Once at the clinic I had to have an OHSS check.  They take blood from you.  MORE BLOOD!  My veins had been tapped more in the last year and a half than they have in my entire lifetime.  Then they weigh you (I had to throw out a disclaimer that we did just have Christmas at my in-laws the day before which does mean increased food intake!) then they take you to the back and measure your bloated tummy and take your blood pressure.  I had Courtney do all these tests for me.  She's been someone at RMIA that we've worked with since the beginning.  She knows us well.  She said "Well, we're going to get you pregnant today, so that's exciting..." and so that was my opportunity to open up to her and give her a full display of my non-PMA.  :)  I told her how we thought 13 was not a good number (since the last 2 times we had 22).  She said "13 is a GOOD number."  Then I confessed that we thought day 3 transfer was a bad sign and she just reassured me that the doctor and the embryologist know what is the best day to go with.  All things I already knew, but it always feels better to hear it from someone in the RMIA system.

We then went back to the little room they have you wait in for the embryologist to come in.  Courtney went out to the waiting room to get Rob to bring him back where I was waiting.  I could hear them chatting coming down the hall about how bad the roads were.  I am so lucky to have such a confident man in all things.  There is nothing he doesn't tackle full on. He never let me know yesterday that the roads were making him nervous.  But the stress did tire him out more than usual...poor guy, he still had 4 hours to drive home, with me passed out and not seat belted in on a mattress in the back!

 

 

Then a nurse came in and went over our discharge instructions.  Basically could only lay flat yesterday and today can just sit in a recliner.  No shower. Only get up to go to the bathroom.  Thankfully my mom is coming to make me lunch and deal with my pet's food and potty situations!  This is why I'm home today blogging instead of being at work.  (OMG, work!  I haven't been there since Thursday and this is the busiest time of year for me.  I will have SO much to do before the end of the year.  Nervous, but I will get it done, I always do).

 

 

 

It was time to take my Valium and then I got as tired as Rob!  We both sort of took a nap with our heads laid down on the table like lazy high school students while we waited for the Embryologist.  I mean, I literally fell asleep, and I'm sure he did too!  Finally Will, our embryologist came in.  Another guy who we've gotten to know well through this process!   Will showed us the picture of our embryos.  We have quite a collection of these now.  He said out of 13, 8 were mature enough to be fertilized.  Of those 8 one stopped growing right away.  The 2 we had put in yesterday were the 2 best of what was left.  The remaining they will continue to try to culture in the lab and try to grow them long enough to freeze...but it doesn't sound promising.  I have to call on Thursday to see if any were frozen.  They used to mail you a letter, but now you get to call, which is much quicker and more convenient.

Of the 2 that we put in, one was an 8 cell embryo (which is where they should be by Day 3) and one was a 6 cell, so a little behind.  He says sometimes they are slow growing and then have a growth spurt.  They had a grade of 1.2 and 1.7.  They did assisted hatching with them so if/when they do reach the blastocyst stage, they have a better chance of hatching out and attaching to the uterine lining.  Here are their pictures:

 Rob and I were joking while we waited in the room for the Embryologist to come in.  We always "name" our embryos.  The first time we had Hoorhay and Bobby.  The second time was Woody.  The two frozen cycles I guess we didn't name them.  But we felt these 2 new fresh ones needed names.  I've been so negative about this whole process, just certain that it wouldn't work, and Rob has been calling me Negative Nancy.  My friend Heidi has called me Debbie Downer.  (You all remember Debbie Downer, right?  The famous SNL skit where Rachel Dratch and her cast mates can't keep it together during the skit with Lindsey Lohan supposedly set in Disney World, the happiest place on earth)?  Rob and I were joking that one of the lines she completely loses it on is "Well, it's official.  I can't have children!"  So, laughingly we decided to name our embryos Debbie and Nancy.

We then traveled across the hall to have Transfer.  By this time the Valium has really kicked in and I'm relaxed. They check to see if my bladder is full, and as always, it was too full.  I had to go empty a bit out. Not fun.  Then Doctor Stassart comes in.  Joanie - my FAVORITE nurse there - goes through everything with us; what's about to go down, even though we've been there lots of times before.  Dr. Stassart gave us an article about how promising the uterine scraping we had done in November has been to successful outcomes.  Maybe that will be the trick this time!  We mentioned to Dr. Stassart about how we were nervous that this was our last time and he threw something out there that if we wanted, he would be willing to continue to work with us because we did have success one time.  He said if we had three rounds of no pregnancy then he would say we could be done, but it was like he was hinting that for the same $26,000 we could keep trying.  He said we could talk about it after we know the results of this round. While that is encouraging that he believes this could work for us, part of me is just really, and I mean REALLY, ready to walk away from IVF...but there's that part of me that isn't ready to walk away from the idea of having our own baby, a little Jennine/Rob.  BUT, adoption sounds more exciting and wonderful each day.  One step at a time.  And, I believe it's out of my control anyway.  Only God knows how this story ends.

The transfer took some time.  Dr. Stassart had a hard time getting the catheter exactly where he wanted it because my ovaries are so huge.  Stupid ovaries.  Eventually it was time to bring in Will who shoots the little guys (or in this case, little ladies) into their new home.  Then, it's all over.  Will confirms that they are all out of the tube, and then I lay there for 6 minutes, put on my clothes, go to the bathroom, and go home.

The drive home was treacherous.  Poor Robbie.  We didn't get home until 7:00pm.  Once home I went straight to bed since I had to lay flat with just one pillow.  Rob made me a BLTsandwich in bed.  Before long I was sleeping...I guess HGTV wasn't holding my interest.

This morning I got up and took my meds.  While I was peeing, my cat decided to eat a plastic wrapper out of the garbage can.  Since I was on the toilet, I couldn't jump up and wrangle it away from him. (TMI, sorry).  So, I yelled, and screamed, and then jumped up and pulled it away from him.  I'm sure that extreme overreaction was good for implantation.  I suck.  So, now I am just resting on the couch.  I have to remember that it's not little incidents like that that prevent pregnancy.  But, it weighs heavily on you when you know they just want you laying around yet you're yelling and wrestling with a cat instead.  Ugh!

Our first blood pregnancy test is scheduled for 12/26 and our second confirmation test is scheduled for 12/27.  Unusual that they are just 1 day apart, but that is because they didn't want me to have to wait the weekend to find out.  They said they just need to see that the numbers are growing at a certain ratio---doesn't matter if it's 1 day or 2 days in between.  Again, odd.  So, I will probably break the rules and take a pregnancy test on CHRISTMAS DAY.  That way, if I am pregnant, what a great Christmas present!  And, if I'm not, then I can tell everyone at family Christmas instead of listening to them all "hope" that it worked.  :) 

So that's it for now.  Sorry for such a long blog!  Back to bedrest I go!



 



Hello from nausea land

Well, on Thursday night we left for MN at about 6pm.  I was SOOOOO sick I was crying.  I'm not sure what all the nausea has been about this time around.  We made it to Wauwauwega when we got pulled over for speeding.  The cop was very nice.  He gave us the option of giving us a $10 fine for no insurance (even though we HAD proof of insurance) or a $200+ speeding ticket.  Hmmm, what would you choose?  So our $10 ticket should show up in the mail soon.
In Stevens Point Rob stopped for McDonald's.  I tried to eat just a plain hamburger but took one bite and had to spit it out the window.  The only thing I could get down was some crackers that we brought from home mainly just so I could get my antibiotics down. I was able to nap for about 2 hours in the car and felt better when I woke up.  Poor Rob had to drive in the dark alone...I always feel guilty sleeping....I think I should stay awake to keep him company.
We got to our hotel at 10pm and unloaded all our stuff.  When we opened the door to our room it just stunk of cigarette smoke.  Not cool considering I had booked a non-smoking room...and the smell was sure to not help my nausea!  But, it was so late and we had already parked the car down by the entrance near our room and hauled all our bags in that we just "dealt with it."  Today though, I emailed the hotel my disappointment. 
The next morning we got up around 8am and started getting ready for our appointment.  I had doctor's orders to not eat or drink anything that morning due to the anesthesia, which was a bummer because I hadn't eaten anything except crackers at 7pm the day before.  Rob was able to enjoy continental breakfast at the hotel.  We got to our appointment right on time for Rob to have his appointment for his "contribution" to this process.  :)  Then they took me back for the same old drill.  Weigh in, take blood pressure, put gown on, start IV.  She tried to do the IV in my arm, but wasn't successful.  She put the needle in and dug around FOREVER.  She said my veins were small from being dehydrated.  Which I could understand with how little I had had to eat and drink within the last day.  They finally found a vein in my hand.  After my IV was in they took me right across the hall to the procedure room to get started.  I had mentioned to my nurse that my instructions never told me to use my Lupron trigger shot that they had sent me.  She seemed surprised but said she would check on it.  I had texted my nurse here in Appleton to confirm that it wasn't in my insructions the night I would've had to administer it, and she agreed that it was not in there.  Perhaps I should've called RMIA direct that night.  Darn it.
The anesthesiologist came in and got me started.  It's funny how fast I pass out after that.  Rob said Dr. Stassart came in and that I greeted him, but I DO NOT remember that at all.  The next thing I knew, I woke up back in the room I started in.  Rob video-taped me waking up.  Not a pretty video!  I don't remember the travel from one room to the other.  They apparently slide me from one bed to the other and then wheel me across the hall, although on the video Rob tries to tell me that I "danced" from one room to the next.  They told me they retrieved 13 eggs.  I was a little bummed about that.  The last 2 times we had 22 each time.  This time, only 13.  That seems like significantly less.  Less to grow to Blastocyst stage.  Less to have frozen.  Oh well.  It is what it is. 
My nurse then gave me my nutter butter cookie snack with apple juice.  Once my IV finished, I was able to get dressed and we could go home.  My nurse then explained to me that I SHOULD have taken my Lupron trigger, that it was a computer error that they didn't tell me to (UGH!) but that everything should be just fine because I triggered with HCG, and I got 13 eggs.  It still bums me out though because our first IVF try we didn't do the Lupron trigger, and our eggs were of poor quality and we didn't get pregnant.  Our second protocol was so much better with the Lupron trigger, and we did get pregnant.  I'm really hoping that not doing the Lupron isn't going to affect the process in any way.  The real unfortunate thing is that we paid for that med for nothing.  I suppose we should try to get our money back on that one. Annoying.
We headed out for home right around noon yesterday.  The anesthesiologist suggested we get some "comfort" food for lunch.  We stopped at Subway and I tried to eat some soup, but it was not happening.  I was so sick - again!  We headed out for home and I tried to sleep but I was just fighting nausea with every fiber of my being.  I finally had to have Rob pull over on a side road and I "firehose" vomited several times.  After that I felt like a million bucks.  We made it the rest of the way home without incident. 
Once home I cozied in on the couch and slept most of the night.  We have instructions to call "med voice" - an automated service - tomorrow after 2pm to find out if our transfer will be on day 3 or day 5.  Our plan was to get to a day 5 transfer, like last time, but I guess you can never tell until they see how they are growing in the lab.  I will be frustrated if we have a day 3 transfer since that is also what happened the first time and we were unsuccessful.  I'm hoping we have something make it to day 5.  But - people do get pregnant on day 3 transfers.  If they're not growing super well in the lab, the best place for them to be is inside me, so we'll just leave it to the experts and see what happens.  If it is a day 3, we'll be headed back to MN on Monday already.
Today I'm taking it easy, somewhat.  I got up, paid bills, had Rob run me to the grocery store, made blue berry muffins, and spritz cookies, got the laundry going, and now I'm relaxing, blogging and watching HGTV.  I had a little bout of nausea today, but nothing like I was having.  I'm at risk for OHSS so I have to drink lots of water and gatorade.  I think it is that condition that makes me feel so icky.  We're having more comfort food for lunch - grilled cheese and tomato soup.  Yum!
Rob is busy working away in the basement - by himself!!!  He's got a drywall lift and he's screwing drywall into the ceiling all on his own.  He's amazing.
I'm very happy to have our last retrieval behind us.  It's so much to go through.  I sure hope we get pregnant and have a baby this time, but even if we don't, I'm getting ready to kiss IVF goodbye!  It's been a long year and a half. 

Friday the 13th

Well, it can't get more lucky than this...or can it?  Our retrieval is scheduled for Friday, the 13th.  We had an ultrasound this morning that showed those little follicles growing like mad!  I winced as she moved the ultrasound wand around...there's not much room in there so it's pretty tender right now - 2 more days! 
My nurse called this afternoon and gave us our final instructions.  I have to start taking a med tonight to help with my OHSS symptoms, and I have to do my HCG trigger shot precisely at 11pm.  11pm!  That is late!  I'm usually asleep for 2 hours by that time.  Hmmm...better set quadruple alarms to make sure we get up to do that shot since I know we're not staying awake that late!  Tomorrow I have to do another blood draw at 6:30am.  I don't remember that happening last time.  I wonder what that is all about.  Are they worried about something?  Plus, my trigger shot tonight is only 5,000 units, not 10,000 HCG...so who knows.  Hopefully we get some good eggs on Friday.
Our appointment for Rob is at 9:40am Friday morning.  We will travel tomorrow night and stay at our home away from home - the Country Inn and Suites of Woodbury.  We thought about just driving there Friday morning - EARLY - but then what if there's a car accident, or a break down....retrieval is extremely time sensitive so I'm not willing to chance it.  We will be hoteling it up tomorrow night.  Rob does his thing then at 9:40am, and then our retrieval is scheduled for 11am.  Then we'll get to drive on home.
I'm looking forward to having this part behind us.  All the meds and sore ovaries are a lot to manage.  The 2 week wait is murder, but at least then I don't have to shoot myself up! 
That's about it for now.  I will post more hopefully on Friday.  Please pray for us or keep us in your thoughts - hoping for a good number of healthy eggs to fertilize!  This is our last chance!

Speidi long time...

I can't believe I haven't written since Saturday!  Where does the time go?  Again, it's been a busy few days!  Today especially!  While I like nothing more than a challenging last minute team project with an immediate deadline at work, it's tough when you're as tired as I was today...and my poor little doggie bladders were filling up while I cranked out that last extra hour and a half of work.  It's nice to be home now - ate, got the laundry started, pushed the garbage to the curb...and as soon as I'm done typing this I get to watch my much anticipated Heidi and Spencer story which I DVRed last night!  (How lame am I?)

No word on Tally's vet results yet, they were sent off to a Lab at Cornell University!  My vet did hint though that he has a good feeling about her prognosis - so fingers crossed!

Yesterday I had an ultrasound and blood work.  My silly little follicles are dragging their feet!  (They don't have feet really, it's just a figure of speech).  We were supposed to have tentative retrieval tomorrow, but instead I'm just scheduled for yet another ultrasound.  My technician didn't think I would have as many follicles as last time. My fear gets the better of me and I hope we have enough to produce some quality blastocysts.  One day at a time!

If I were to have my best guess, I'd say we'll be traveling to MN on Friday, but we will have to see what tomorrow morning brings.  So far I'm not feeling TERRIBLY uncomfortable...I mean...I have begun to feel my ovaries the last 3 days only.  On Sunday I actually had a bout of nausea that sent me hovering over the toilet like my old hangover days of yore.  I sure don't miss that feeling!  Yesterday I ate entirely too much which didn't have me feeling that great either.  Today I was just dragging...so tired....that has to be due to all the meds my body is processing.  Looking forward to a good night's sleep tonight.

Tonight we continue on with 2 more shots and then I'm anxious to see what they find tomorrow.  I hope we're cleared for retrieval.  I'm ready to just get this all past us!

OK - time to check in with Speidi!  I'll write more tomorrow.

Saturday Sputterings

There's not a ton to write about but it looks like some of you are reading this - so here you go, my devoted friends!

It's been a busy couple of days!  Thursday was VERY busy.  I took Tally to the vet at 7:30am and dropped her off for countless tests.  They did an abdominal ultrasound, chest and abdomen x-rays, blood work and a special pancreas light test.  Literally $1,000 later and I don't really know what, if anything, is wrong with her yet!!  I am hoping my Vet calls on Monday with the results the bloodwork and pancreas test.  The Ultrasound showed that her intestines were slightly thicker in some spots, which is not a normal indicator of inflammatory bowel disease.  The pancreas was slightly larger too, which could've maybe indicated pancreatitis.  Overall, she's just thin.  BUT, she gained back the tenth of a pound she had lost...so instead of being 4.9 she is now 5.0 pounds again, but about a year ago she was 5.5, so she's still significantly thinner, and she itches all the time.  Scratches her face till the fur comes off and her whiskers break off.  Poor little girl.  I've been watching to make sure she eats more (she's such a slow eater!).  I'm hoping that will help; both put the weight on and give her strength to fight any disease she might have going on.
Also on Thursday I went to the dentist, and then handed out holiday hams at work from 5:30pm-9:30pm.  Needless to say, Thursday was a long and busy day!
Friday I had an ultrasound and bloodwork appointment (me and the cat - both doing ultrasounds and bloodwork!). My follicles are growing.  I had one that was like 9.7 on the left side, and one that was 10.something on the right.  Both sides look like chocolate chip cookies on the u/s screen.  They said they like to see them around 18, and once they hit about 12, they really take off, so I was nearly there on Friday.  Surprisingly, I'm not having any discomfort (yet).  I mean, I feel great - hoping that feeling lasts right on through retrieval.  With feeling so normal though, it's hard to believe my insides are doing what they're supposed to be doing...it just doesn't feel like anything is happening!
My nurse called on Friday night to say that we would add some more meds in on Sunday night, and then hold my meds on Monday morning and come back for another ultrasound.  I'm betting by then we will be close to trigger shotting it.  :)
Today, Mom and I went to lunch at the Radisson, which was a holiday celebration hosted by Appleton Alliance Church.  It was a women's lunch gathering, with great food and a beautiful message.  I couldn't believe the number of women there who were choosing to be there rather than fighting the mall for much needed Christmas gifts.  Very wonderful.  So grateful for that positive in our lives.
This evening Rob and I went to Menards and got some drywall!  Yay!  We are SO CLOSE to closing up those darn basement walls and getting it to look like real rooms again down there!  We have a few more inspections to pass, and need the spray foam insulation guys to come out...but Rob is working on the cement board in the shower for now.  We bought some really cool tile to put up and can't wait to get started on those fun finishes.  We're hoping to have it all finished up by the Super Bowl so we could entertain the idea of throwing a party to show off all of Rob's hard work.  He does such an incredible job and I'm always so proud of him.  He's such a great husband.  I could tell you a really funny story from our time alone together in the ultrasound room on Friday, but I think I'll keep that one just between him and I. :)
On an extremely sad note, the woman I had been writing about in my blog who was trying to save her IVF twins lost them last week.  She posted a quote to her friends, "Don't pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to deal with a difficult one."  I thought that was so beautiful.  I saw on Facebook one of my friends posted that she knows 3 couples who are pregnant right now.  While that is beautiful for all those couples, whoever they may be, it still made me sad.  It always seems so effortless to everyone else.  Pregnancy for me has become like climbing Mt. Everest!  Even Kelly Clarkson on Ellen...(her interview was great by the way...super funny) she's 11 weeks pregnant.  Talking about it without a fear in the world.  Singing her heart out, bouncing around dancing on stage...seriously the only thought running through my head was, "hopefully she doesn't have a miscarriage."   And, she probably won't, but to me, that is what being early pregnant means...it means expecting a miscarriage.  Total insanity.
Overall I'm looking forward to this week.  I'm going to be unimaginably busy at work trying to tie up lose ends for benefits before the new year hits...and then I'll have to take a day or so off to go have retrieval.  I can't even envision how it will all work out, but it will.  It always does.  One day at a time!

I'm thinking Jimmy Johns

Jimmy Johns just delivered because I couldn't imagine feeding my husband another frozen pizza.  One of these days I will start cooking.

Anyway, I had my first ultrasound this morning to see how our little follicles are growing.  Apparently they are, but very slowly and aren't much to brag about right now....which is no doubt why I feel so good.  My nurse warns that they will catch up to me!  I have to do another injection tonight, a bigger dose tomorrow morning, and back to normal on Friday when I have another ultrasound.  Pretty standard.

Today at my u/s I had a technician who I've had many times before.  They all know me there.  I'm one of the infertility clinics best customers, no doubt.  She looked at my chart and said "I didn't realize we live so close to each other!"  I said "Oh, do you live on Capitol Drive?"  She said, "No, I live on Sunset" (which is the road right behind ours).  She said "What part of Capitol do you live on?"  I said "Between Richmond and Oneida," and she said "Oh, so do I!"  I said "The people with the 2 Boxer dogs that just built the fence this summer are right in my backyard."  She said "I live right across the street from them....well kind of diagonally.  I have the blue house with the brick." and I said, "Do you hang a big lighted Christmas wreath out front each year?" and she said "Yep!  That's our house!"  And I said "Oh - I can see that from my kitchen window.  I look at that wreath when I do dishes!"  So now I'm the stalker neighbor...but oh well!  She said "when you have your babies, you'll have to push them in the stroller around the block and come say hi!"  How cute!  :)

The story I reported on yesterday about the girl with the twins...without going into too much detail, it currently is quite a miracle.  She still has both babies.  She is looking at bedrest in the hospital for about a month if she wants to have any chance at keeping them.  She had contractions this morning, but so far they're still hanging in there.  Keep the prayers coming for that family!

Ok - stomach growling - time to go eat that sub...freaky fast!

There. I blogged.

Well, to keep up with the blogging, here I am.

Nothing new to report today.  I did have blood work yesterday and my nurse called me late yesterday and said that I needed to do another shot last night of more stim meds, and then a bigger dose this morning, and back to my regular dose tomorrow morning.  Tomorrow morning I have an ultrasound and more blood work to see how things are progressing.  I really don't feel anything, which is slightly bumming me out.  Last time my ovaries hurt so bad I could barely walk, which encouraged me that things were working, but maybe I should be careful what I wish for.  Those days may be just around the corner for me.  We will see tomorrow what we're working with.

Today was an interesting day.  I got home from work and my mom texted that they "lost their cat."  Dolly the cat had gotten outside when my mom hung a Christmas wreath on the front door.  Mom's text wasn't clear at first that they had found her!  I was worried sick! I was ready to strap on my boots and go hunting through mom's woods to find poor Dolly before she froze to death.  Thankfully my dad found her in their backyard.  She was so scared she "screaowed" (Scream meowed) at him to let her back inside!  Poor little cat.  It would've been DEVASTATING to our family to have lost her right before the holidays like this.   (Well, it'd be terrible to lose her anytime, but really, right before Christmas?!  C'mon!)

So after learning that Dolly was home safe and sound, I headed downstairs to feed my own kitties.  That is when I noticed our cat food bowls pushed oddly out of place, and licked clean.  The culprit?  Rodger.  Our basement is in the process of being remodeled, so to keep the dogs from getting at the cat food requires strategic placement of several baby gates across the open stud-framed walls.  Rob forgot to put one where it belonged last night, much to Rodger's delight.  :)  He had a good Tuesday.  The cats did not.  I think to express his distaste, Rocky the cat decided to "think outside the box" when going number 2 today.  That was a fun one for mommy to deal with as well.  TMI, and super gross I know, but welcome to a day in my life.  Pretty soon ROB will have to clean the cat boxes, when I am pregnant with our twins.  :)

Speaking of pregnant with twins, some sad news.  My co-worker has a close friend who was 19 weeks pregnant with twins conceived via IVF.  When she got pregnant she suffered from severe OHSS and spent days in the hospital.  The only positive to the OHSS being so bad was that it probably was a good indicator that the IVF had worked...which it did.  She found out on Friday that the twins she was carrying were both boys.  But then she started bleeding and as of yesterday was pretty certain she was losing one of the twins, and was hoping to hold on to the other one.  As of today I have not heard what happened.  My heart absolutely breaks for her.  Just to survive IVF is one thing.  To get a positive pregnancy test is another hurdle to be ecstatic to leap over.  Then to find out it's twins - pure elation!  To make it past 12 weeks of pregnancy; if it were me I'd think I had it in the bag!  Then, to be slammed with such insurmountable grief, I cannot even imagine.  You have to be extremely strong to take on this IVF journey because you just never know the outcome.  I am so saddened by this news, and I don't even know her other than as a friend of a friend.  I can only imagine a fraction of the pain she must be going through.  How do you even go on after something like that?  I'm sure today she may feel that she simply can't.  But she will.

On a lighter note, I delighted in seeing my brother-in-law and sister-in-law's Christmas Card online today.  The shot of Randy, Alyson, Cab and Jack is just priceless.  It reminded me that should IVF really never work for us, my family of 5 fur-children will be more than enough to keep my heart warm while we start the adoption process.  Speaking of fur children, prayers please for my kitty Tally.  She is our youngest cat - but by young, I am still talking like 10 years old (since none of our cats are young anymore).  She was a tiny stray that I rescued back in 2003.  I had gone out for Christmas Dinner at Marty's Place with the girls from work.  Rob was in California at the time.  I brought home some leftover fish and opened my patio door to feed it to the little stray who I had been feeding cat food to for weeks.  It was bitter cold and she had been living in a garbage can that I had laid sideways on my deck and had stuffed with hay so she could keep warm.  That night, when she tasted the fish, she decided this was too good to pass up and she bolted through my open patio door into my home...and into my heart.  10 years later and our little Tally is losing weight, significantly.  We've already run 2 blood tests which came back normal for metabolic diseases, meaning she doesn't have a thyroid condition or diabetes.  So, that leaves my Vet to worry that she has an intestinal disease, possibly even intestinal or pancreatic cancer.  She is going in for an ultrasound, xrays, and more bloodwork on Thursday.  Just getting her to the Vet is quite the treat, and she will have been there 3 times in the last 2 weeks after Thursday's visit.  Hoping we get good news Thursday, or, if it's bad news, that there's some sort of hope.  Can't even imagine losing her right now - right in the middle of trying to not stress with IVF, and right smack dab in the middle of the joyful holiday season.  We all have our fingers, toes, tails, and whiskers crossed over here!

Well, that's about it for tonight.  It's nearly time to give Dumb and Dumber (Cecil and Rodger) their bedtime treat, then it's time to cuddle up on a blanket on the floor until bedtime.  That's our routine these days.  Rodger is such a cuddler.  :)  My 6:30am ultrasound appointment will be here before I know it.  Hard to believe that we could be at retrieval just one week from tomorrow!

let the 3rd fresh round begin

Well, when we started this journey I NEVER thought I'd be writing this blog entry.  In my mind I thought I'd have my baby by now.  Not so.  As you can see, I never updated my last blog like I promised I would...back in August...but FYI - that frozen transfer resulted in a negative pregnancy test.  Shocking!

So, on Saturday I started my stimulation injections for our 3rd and final fresh IVF try.  It's so hard to believe that the last time we tried a fresh transfer was nearly exactly a year ago!  Our last fresh try, our retrieval was on 12/12/12 and this time we're targeting 12/11/13.  Last time we found out we were pregnant right around the holidays, and I miscarried on 1/23/13. 

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."  We've been planning to make a baby through IVF for over a year.  It hasn't happened, yet life goes on.  How quickly a year can go.  I'm a year older, which is like a death sentence for infertility.  But, I'm also a year wiser.  Rob and I laugh now at how we don't even bat an eye at the injections.  We used to be so cautious and nervous and worried we weren't doing things right, etc.  Now it is so much a "go with the flow" vibe we have going on!  We are so relaxed because we know EXACTLY what we are in store for.

I really hope this is going to be our miracle try.  Wouldn't it be amazing if the 3rd time really was the charm?  In my wildest dreams I can envision a big round pregnant belly, and a beautiful birthing experience, and a little bundle of joy to carry home to a perfectly decorated nursery.  I would give anything to be able to experience those moments that so many other first-time moms have. 

This blog is a little redundant.  I've talked about the same feelings for over a year now.  I still long for a child of our own.  I still feel sad that it hasn't worked out.  The symptoms of the drugs are all the same, moodiness, tiredness, uncomfortableness.  Nothing has changed, there's not much new to write about, but I'll try. 

I found a quote today:  "Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent." (by Jean Kerr)   I hope that my feeling of "it's never going to work...we won't get pregnant...we're going to miscarry..." can finally be replaced with "Thank God!  It finally worked!"

IVF update - FET #2

I haven't been blogging.  My nurse suggested it was a good thing to keep doing it because it helps me get my emotions about this whole journey "out".  But, my heart just wasn't in it.  Until today. 

Tomorrow we leave for MN, again.  We will try our last frozen embryo which will be transferred on the 14th.  I figured I should start my blog up again just in case there is any good news to report on down the road. :) 

One thing I wanted to include was some excerpts from and email I received from a co-worker today who has been through infertility herself and who ended up adopting her beautiful children.  What she emailed me today spoke directly to my heart and summed up exactly how I feel.  She "gets" it.  Here's what she wrote:

Jennine, you are very very strong. you and your husband will have a baby, I just know it. one way or the other. I know how frustrating and long this has been for you. it is also hard when people around us get pregnant with no problems. we wish them the best but it is hard to watch. I am crossing my fingers for you and praying that this works. it is not easy, any of it. You can only put a good face on it and try to carry on, like you say.

 

you deserve the best, just like every other couple who tries to have a baby. it's hard to have patience but that is all you can do for now.  I know it is hard and that is why I don’t ask you about it all the time. I know you are busy being strong about this but that doesn’t mean it's easy. It's the hardest thing ever. But it'll pay off Jennine, one way or the other. then you can tell your kid someday what you went thru to get her or him. that you already loved her so very much. You will amaze your child someday!

 

you are a person with feelings just like any body else. Just because you have this to do does not mean you chose it for yourself, obviously. and also, you are not a football game with everyone cheering for you. you are just regular people who didn’t ask for this. You are a naturally optomistic person who hopes for the very best but also has to be realistic. fertility is something other people take for granted and so they are at somewhat of a loss with what to say to you. they don’t really get it, even if they mean well. Also, they don’t know how long it takes and they just think well next month then, if not this month. but it doesn’t work like that. it becomes very clinical with all the doctors, but you and your husband are still people. and deserve a baby too. and you will get one, it just takes a bit more effort.  I am rooting for you!!!

 

Her email could not have been more perfect, and I needed to hear it today.

 

Heard the Katy Perry song "Roar" for the first time this weekend.  Love it!  The lyrics are about continuing to be a fighter even when things are getting you down.  It is a song directed towards a person that is holding her down, but I think for me it is a song directed at infertility.  I am roaring back at it with all my might!

 

Tomorrow we head out to MN but we are going to make a fun day out of it.  We're leaving at 8am after we sleep in a little.  Going to Top Dog to purchase RIR sweatshirts (Did you know the founder of Top Dog used to run his business out of MY BASEMENT!?  Before I lived here of course...but the house I live in now used to be his, and he used to run Industrial Nameplate, the parent company of Top Dog, out of his basement - in 1973 - which is now my basement...and is currently in shambles).  :)  After Top Dog we have to stop at the shop to drop off Rob's golf clubs for Chad to use.  Then it's off to Cabellas, then to the Red Eye Brewery in Wausau for lunch.  When we get to MN we will meet our friends for dinner, then it's back to the hotel by 9pm for my butt shot.

 

Transfer isn't until 1pm on Wednesday.  That is later than usual.  Will be a little bit of a bummer cuz we'll get home later, but then it's nothing but bed rest anyway.  I'll be off of work through Thursday and back on Friday.  Nice to have a 2 day work week, even though I don't consider IVF much of a vacation.

 

I will post again once we know how the transfer went.  This time it took FOREVER to get my uterine lining to grow like it should...so I don't know if or how that will affect things.  I just keep telling myself, we're doing this because it could work.  Maybe this time it will.  Good nite!

HPT negative

Well folks at first glance it appears this time didn't work either.  I will stay on my meds and still go to both my blood test appointments to confirm, but the HPT this morning was a very clear BFN (big fat negative to those of you not familiar with the lingo).
There is a bright side though - now I can help Rob remodel our basement...I'm much better at demo when I'm not afraid of hurting the baby! :)  And, I can continue on my quest to drop some lb's.
I guess from here we'll try our last Frozen Embryo and if that doesn't work it's on to fresh cycle round 3.  I bet we can do our next FET fairly soon.  Probably just have to get a period and wait for all the meds to be out of my system.  My butt will be happy to get a break from the shots at least!
But - I'm not going to forecast the future.  We'll just have to sit around and wait for what the doctor's say....again.  Tell ya what...IVF is not fun anymore.  It has now become something I just want to "get to the end of" so I can get my money back.  (There's the crabby Jennine you all know and love!)

Stay tuned...

Wanna see my butt again?

While this isn't as bad as when I "fell off my bike" it's still pretty bad.  This is what 10+ days of PIO shots will give you.  Fun Fun!  And just think, if I'm pregnant I get to continue these shots for WEEKS!  And the bruise isn't even the bad thing, it's the soreness in the muscle tissue that really gets you.  But, in all actuality, it isn't really that bad.  Kind of hurts when I climb into my car, and when I plunk down in the recliner, and when I roll in and out of bed.  Other than that, it's liveable.

We are officially 1 week in to our waiting period.  Transfer was a week ago today.  For those of you looking to see if I'm having any symptoms, I hate to break it to you but I have none.  No sore breasts, no cramping.  That's fine.  Cramping just scares me, and who wants sore boobs?  No one.  Ever. 

That's right, I have no symptoms...although Larry at work tells me I have "the look."  (I think he means a pregnant glow or some wifey-tale of that nature....or maybe all the McDonald's I have been "stress-eating" has given me "the look..." months before I should have "the look" if you know what I mean!  Oink!)

I am 100% certain that I will end this guessing-game nightmare with a home pregnancy test on Friday morning.  I just want some answers, whatever they may be.  Remember how I have no patience?  Just tell me already! 

This cycle has been completely different though.  Rob and I are just going through the motions.  Pills and shots.  That's it.  Nothing too exciting.  Peeing on a stick is no big deal.  I used to make it such a production.  Ooooh, what if it's negative?  How will I cope?  But, I have been through everything now.  A failed cycle.  A successful cycle ending in miscarriage.  Nothing scares me.  Now, a pee-stick is just a means to an end.  Am I pregnant or not?  Tell me, oh magic stick!

One thing is for certain, I "manage" stress by TOTALLY overeating.  That is one thing that I find detestable about myself.  I had to talk myself out of getting McDonald's fries as a "snack" on my way home today.  Gross.  I watched Keeping Up With The Kardashians on Sunday night and it was all about how fat Rob has gotten.  I, my friends, am Rob Kardashian.  I think food makes me feel the way Bud Light used to make me feel, without all the annoyingness.  It's just a happy thing to injest into your body.  Bud Light made me unlikeable, and McDonald's makes me "Un-swim-suit-able."  I can deal with that.  There's always next summer to be swimsuit ready...after I take off the baby weight.  :)

transfer all done!

Not too much to report.  All went very well. Dr. Stassart very positive. Little guy thawed well and was of good quality. Yesterday and today required alot of bed rest. Getting a little boring. :) First blood test on friday 6/14 and confirmation test on 6/17.  Knowing me, I will HPT it on the 14th though.   :)

3rd time's the charm?

It is the night before we leave for MN, again. Rob and I both had to-do lists to accomplish before we left and we got everything done... from fixing the bathroom faucet to mowing the lawn to washing the dogs to finishing the laundry. We are packed and the van is loaded, complete with bed in the back for my ride home.
We both will work in the morning and then will be on the road by noon. Tomorrow night we're dining at Fogo De Chao in Minneapolis. We're excited for that!
I'd say wish us luck on Tuesday, but we went to church today and the message was clear.  God goes before me, He stands behind.  He is always by my side. I trust in Him to get us through this. I guess luck doesn't have much to do with it.  :)

Pain in the a$$

Well - we did it!  Survived our first butt shot tonight.

I had my ultrasound on Tuesday, but my lining wasn't where it needed to be. I was at 5.8 and they like it to be at 6 or more.  So, I had a little change-up with my medication...taking some estrogen vaginally (fun fun) and then I had a recheck today of the ultrasound.  At today's ultrasound my lining was 8.4!  Much better! 

I got the phone call at 3pm today that we are good to go for the 4th.  I got information on how to handle all my oral meds from here on out, and got the go-ahead to start the big PIO butt shots tonight.  Rob and I had training on how to do the shots on Tuesday.  We had to do it between 7-9pm tonight.  We read through our directions, and fired up some YouTube videos.  But, then it was just time to "do it."  I iced my butt on the spot that was marked by my nurse (yes, I have permanant black marker drawn on my butt for the time being), then Rob prepared the syringe.  My heart was pounding as I laid down on our spare bed.  I told Rob if I scream or flinch to just keep going, ingore me!  He told me he was going to just "go for it."  I closed my eyes and away he went.

Believe it or not, I hardly felt it!  I said "is it in?"  He said "yes."  "Is it all the way in?"  "Yep!"  He did everything he was supposed to do - check to not hit a capillary, push it in slowly, and then we were done!  I did have some bleeding, so he put a little band-aid on me and that was it!  I was thrilled to have the first one behind us.

My mom had 3 vertebrae replaced in her neck yesterday.  After seeing how amazing she was to get through that surgery I thought a little butt shot would be nothing!  She and I are some tough little ladies!

Rob and I will make our hotel reservations.  We will leave around noon on the 3rd to arrive there that night.  We will have dinner with our good friends Troy and Alana who live in that area.  Then it will be off to bed because our transfer is at 9:45am on June 4th.

If I get pregnant, my due date will be 2/25/14.  My nephew was born on 2/24.  That means I'd be pregnant just like my sister Michelle was, same time of year.  :)  February is a good month for Rob and I...our anniversary month, and his birthday month.  God answered all our prayers yesterday with mom's surgery turning out well.  Maybe 2013 is just going to be our year!

My nurse reminded me that we have a good chance of one of the frozens working...that it could've been just a fluke or bad luck that our first one ended the way it did.  We shall see!

kind of a slacker

I know I haven't been blogging much this time around.  I guess overall I'm not that "into" IVF anymore.  My tummy is getting pretty bruised since I've been doing the Lupron injections everyday since May 2nd...20 days.  I take 9 pills/day now.  Less than a week till our ultrasound.  I'm trying to not think too much or worry too much.  But, it's tough.  First I worried when I didn't bleed after stopping the pill.  I thought my lining would be too thick and Transfer would be delayed.  Then a day or two later I did start bleeding and I haven't stopped.  This is longer than any period.  Now I worry that my lining will shed too much and Transfer will be delayed.  Then, when I worry too much, I remember how this is out of my control and worrying won't help, and I feel better. 
Saw today another old friend who just achieved pregnancy.  Of course you are happy for them, but then there's that part that thinks...man...what I wouldn't give for that.  To just have carefree sex and get pregnant, and have no worries that anything will go wrong with the pregnancy.  That just isn't the story that was written for us.
I try to keep my emotions together, but as we get closer to Transfer it gets harder.  There's the overwhelming feeling of "I hope it works this time" I mean, afterall, that is why we're doing this.  But, then along with that is the fear that it won't work at all, or that if it does work that it won't last.  I will always be plagued by that I guess. 
Sometimes I'm proud of how tough I can be through all this.  But sometimes I'm sad that we've been at this for nearly a year (had our first meeting at FVRM 6/11/12) and are no further along than where we started. 
We're going to a family wedding in IL about 4 days after the results of our pregnancy test.  I've already planned this all out.  I will be fearful that something will go wrong while we are far from home.  I don't look forward to doing our shots in a hotel room.  I fear walking around sightseeing the next day.  But, again, I think, worry and fear will do nothing for me.  I take comfort in the fact that I've given up the control.  What will be will be.  And, I hope it will be a fairytale ending this time.

always look on the bright side of life

Happy mother's day everyone! We had a great day, make that weekend!  On Friday we kicked off mother's day with dinner at Rob's parent's house.  Saturday we did the balloon lift to honor the memory of Rob's grandma.   It was ridiculously windy but we made the best of it. Today we celebrated with my mom with church, lunch at Olive Garden, and then Rob and I finished the day out with yard work and pizza.
I had a great run this morning with Rodger. Used my new leash which attaches around my waist and he literally pulled me around the neighborhood!  Silly guy!  I then took Cecil for a walk.  They each got me bags of poop for mother's day.  Sure, I had to wrap then myself,  but thoughtful nonetheless.
When I got home I had a Facebook message from Heidi with a link in it to a blog titled thehouseofhendrix.com. The blog entry was "the darker side of mother's day" and it really spoke to me.  Could've been an entirely different mother's day if I were still pregnant.
On that note, my bloodwork was all good last Thursday.  We are moving forward with everything and we're on schedule for June 4th. I took my last birth control pill tonight.  Thursday I start with an array of new meds and I have my ultrasound and Rob and I will have injection training on 5/28. June will be here before we know it!
This mother's day I have a lot to be thankful for.  Rob and I are lucky that we have the means to even try IVF.  We are blessed that God and Jesus are watching over us in this journey, and that they've taken the worry from us as we entrust this, and all else, to them. I am grateful to have a wonderful mother of my own who is bravely going to face neck surgery the day after my ultrasound.  I am a "mom" to 5 pets who love me and depend on me for everything. I celebrated 4 years of sobriety last week.
So, there may be a darker side to mother's day,  but the future is bright, and life is good.  :)

Warning: images in this blog are not for the faint at heart :)

I don't intend for this to be a long entry, but I tend to get carried away, so we'll just see where it goes. First, you know that thing that you're really afraid of?  Snakes?  Clowns?  Monsters living under your bed? 
My boss is very afraid of spiders.  So much so that she nearly passes out even when you talk to her about them.  My husband is afraid of heights.  When he sees a picture of a mountain climber at the top of a mountain looking out over the vast scenery, he nearly loses it.  My brother-in-law is so afraid of needles that he would nearly pass out in a doctor's office if he had to get a shot.  Well, I don't like spiders, june bugs, or excessively "big things," like whales.  I never thought of myself as being afraid of needles.  Until I saw this:

I had seen needles this size in my friend's blog when she was going through IVF, but it wasn't until I opened my box of medications yesterday and a huge plastic bag full of these beauties was staring me right in the face that I really started to think "I'm not so sure I can do this."  Rob told me I shouldn't have looked at them.  Too late!  He plans on doing the injections for me, but holy heck, I think he might be in a worse predicament than me!  I wouldn't want to have to watch that thing burrow through the layers of flesh it has to fight through to hit muscle tissue (remember, it is intramuscular in my butt.  My butt isn't too muscular, if you know what I'm sayin').  To say I'm scared of these needles is a complete understatement.  I'd rather have a terantula as a pet.  Ok, maybe not.

Other than my recently developed needle phobia, things are looking up.  The weather is beautiful.  Rob, and our friend Adam, and Rob's brother Cory put a new steel roof on the backside of our house today.  I've been jogging a lot more recently, and following a calorie counting diet using "myfitnesspal" app on my phone (if you aren't already doing this, you should check it out.  Very cool!)  I'm feeling pretty good.  Embryo Transfer still feels like a long time away (oh, that's because it is...it's over a month away) and I'm alright with that. 

I am less than enthusiastic about starting this next round of IVF treatment.  I know they said it should be a little less invasive than our last two rounds (I beg to differ...please see photo above) but I'm not overly looking forward to it.  Just one step at a time, and it is in God's hands.  Whatever His plan is, will be.

When I saw the needle last night, I texted everyone I knew to spread my fear like wildfire as quickly as I could amongst those who care about me...looking for wisdom, kind words, and encouragement.  My sister-in-law Becky texted me back: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13.  Amen, Becky.  Amen.

I might have you singing DJ Kool...

RMIA called today and we are "on the schedule" for our FET.  And it goes a little somethin' like this - hit it!

For right now I will continue to take baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins, and birth control pills.
On 5/2/13 I start my lupron injection which is just a little needle in the stomach every morning.
On 5/9/13 I have baseline bloodwork done at FVRM.  They will call that afternoon with the results.
If that goes well I will stay on everything as is until 5/12/13.  That will be the last day I take a birth control pill.
On 5/16/13 I will reduce my Lupron dosage by half, and start taking Estrace tablets 3 times/day.  I also start taking 2 different kinds of antibiotics twice daily.
On 5/28/13 I have more blood work and an ultrasound.  If my lining looks good, we will move on to Embryo Transfer in MN on 6/4/13.
After the appointment on 5/28/13, if things look good, they will tell me when to start the progesterone suppositories and the Progesterone In Oil shots.  Egads!  Those make me nervous, but we'll get through it.  I'm sure the first time I do that I will have a funny blog to share!

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday.  I feel old, but oh well.  We all get older every year.  No one lives forever.  Age is just a number.  Enjoy every moment, right?  This has been a good year overall.  I have a fun day planned with my mom tomorrow to celebrate.  Can't wait!

Did I mention our basement flooded last week?  Dealing with that has been fun.  Loud blowers and dehumidifiers blowing around the clock.  Loud and annoying!  ServPro comes back tomorrow to hopefully remove them.  We had a new air conditioner unit installed in our home today which will prevent any future water leaks in our attic - whew!  Friday we're closing on our duplex refinances...gotta love money in the bank!  Life is always entertaining, fast paced, exciting, and overall good.  We always seem to have something going on!  Whenever I think I have it bad, I just have to think about something like the awful thing that happened at the Boston Marathon and I am thankful.

This week I was corresponding via email with my favorite Veterinarian in the world.  He and his wife recently did the Green Bay Marriage Encounter that Rob and I did in March.  He wrote to me about how much they enjoyed it and he commented that the divorce rate would be a lot lower if married couples attended that program and remembered the importance of having God in your life.  This kind man who has saved my animals lives, and cured their ailments, and compassionately put Merc to sleep for us is now praying for our IVF success.  God is good to connect me with so many wonderful people. 

Jessie and I were talking about that at work this week too - about how important it is to have a happy, healthy marriage relationship, and to thank God for your blessings.  I've been in some dark places in my life but am now experiencing so much joy.  We learned that last week in church - that even though there are bad things in our lives, God knows that is part of the plan for your life even before you were born.  But, He has the power to allow good to come from bad things, if you allow Him to...and he often uses that to be a beacon to others who are struggling.  I have seen this so much in my own life.  Nothing is by accident.

So, I have the day off tomorrow, I'm excited, but right now I'm super tired.  I'd love to sleep in but Serv Pro will be here at 8am...and mom is bringing me my birthday donut at 8:30am.  I'm going to go drag Rob away from his XBOX so we can get some shut eye. 

Talk to you soon!

good news

My sonohysterogram was clear!  No polyps.  No adhesions.  I've been praying, and it felt great to thank God for this blessing as I rolled out of the parking lot.  Now we will wait for RMIA to call with our protocol.  Should be soon.  The sono went well although 3 of my close work friends, my mother and sister, Rob and my sister-in-law Alyson know of one little thing that went slightly wrong - but it would be TMI - even for this blog!  LOL! :)

I never watch the show Shameless, but Rob likes it.  I think a lot of those HBO shows are too "vulgar" for me...but there was a song at the end of this week's episode that I really like.  It was "Ends of the Earth" by Lord Huron.  They lyrics are basically about traveling the world... but I think they can be interpreted for any journey you're taking on in life.  One lyric I really liked was "What good is livin' the life you've been given if all you do is stand in one place?"  So true.  I'm a little nervous and a little excited to try our FET journey.  Even though laying on that sonohysterogram table today brought back all the hopeful memories of IVF round one and two, it brought back the fear of it not working as well...but how will I ever know if I don't try?  It's time again to "not stand in one place."  :)
Tomorrow is my 13 year anniversary with N&M Transfer.  So amazing that I've been there so long but everyday is still fun, new and exciting.  I work with such great people - a real family.  Family that makes you laugh, makes you cry, makes you angry, makes you crazy, acts completely stupid, but you just have to love them all anyway.  :)  Truth is, that family is one of my hugest support systems throughout this whole IVF thing, and I'm so grateful I work there. 

I don't think I wrote about this in my last entry, but on Sunday Rob and I watched two movies that Ann borrowed to us.  "Fireproof" and "Courageous."  If you're looking for good movies with a good message (and if you have a box of kleenex handy) watch these two movies.  Just another thing that made an impact on Rob and I as of late.

I'll write again as soon as we know of our protocol.  Until then, let's pray for some sunshine so I don't have to wear my gloves home from work again tomorrow!  Brrr!

Deja Vu

I got my period last week and I've been on birth control for 3 days now.  Also making sure to take my baby aspirin and my pre-natal vitamin daily.  Tomorrow at 7am I have my sonohysterogram.  Sort of feels like we've been here before - like we're starting over.  I remember with my first sonohysterogram I was SO excited...it was the beginning of our journey, and I was CONFIDENT I'd get pregnant on the first try.  Then came the bad sonohysterogram news and I was left facing the hysteroscopy polyp removal surgery.  That was in July.  In August I had two Sono's...one to make sure the polyp was gone, and one with Dr. Stassart so he could get a good mapped out reading of my uterus for transfer.  Hard to believe it's nearly a year later and I'm going to be having my 4th sono.  It's not like they're a big deal or anything, but it's not like I wanted to rack them up like this either. It's not like you get "frequent sono miles" or anything cool like that.
Hard to believe that if I'd stayed pregnant, I'd be nearly halfway through my pregnancy right now.  I try not to let my thoughts go there, but sometimes they do.  A boy.  We would've had a boy and we'd probably have some pretty cool ultrasound pictures by now, or very soon.  Oh well.
My appointment is at 7am tomorrow.  Crossing our fingers, and our toes, and our eyes (wait, I can't cross my eyes...I can make my googly eye wander, but I can't cross my eyes...anywho...) that it all goes well.  If things are in the clear tomorrow I think we'll be smooth sailing right into FET pretty quickly here.  I will write again tomorrow with results! 

it's baby making time!

I know, I know, it's been a while...my friend Becky at work even said "she misses me" (meaning she enjoys reading my blog and is sad I haven't been keeping up with it...)  Becky - this one's for you.  :)

So - what have Rob and I been up to?  Let's see...first of all I must talk about church...have I mentioned how much we LOVE Appleton Alliance Church?  If you're looking for a place to help you grow in your faith and spirituality, and to make it an interesting, exciting, informative, captivating part of your week, this is the place to go!  Rob and I are SO happy there.

Also on a similar note...if you're looking for a fun way to spend the weekend with your spouse and really connect, check out Green Bay Marriage Encounter:  www.gbme.org
Rob and I did this March 16th and 17th and it was THE BEST THING we've ever done.  We got so much out of it and had so much fun, and our already strong marriage was propelled into superstardom.  We could not be happier.  :)

And lastly, the reason you tune in...we heard from Dr. Stassart on Wednesday this week.  It was a long conversation that started with him telling us how he's so sorry for our loss...then he went on to explain that further genetic testing is NOT necessary...that our messed up chromosomes was most likely a "fluke" and we still have a good chance of having a healthy pregnancy.  He said I may have a slightly higher propensity for fetal chromosome issues...some women just do...but that doesn't mean we'll always have problems.  He said he's been doing this since before we were born (1977)...yes, we're old, but we were born after 1977...and he said he isn't worried about our circumstance. 

He gave us the go-ahead to move forward with a frozen embryo transfer.  However, I must first have another sonohysterogram to make sure my uterine cavity is still OK after the last pregnancy and D&C surgery.  If that is good, then we can move forward with scheduling.  I have to wait to get my period, which I expect to get next week.  I then go on the pill on Day 3, then do the sono.  Then I would go on Lupron to suppress my ovaries (small shots in my belly), and estrogen pills taken orally to thicken my uterine lining.  They check my lining a few times and when it's ready to go, we start progesterone.  He hinted that this time around I'll be on PIO (Progesterone In Oil) shots - which are intramuscular with a long needle...about as long as my pinky finger...and the shots are given in the butt.  I'm not really looking forward to that but I'll be fine.  Rob will help.  Then we just have to travel to MN once for transfer!  Not too bad!

Dr. Stassart gave us an option of transferring both of our frozen embryos or just one.  If we did two, we could end up with just a singleton pregnancy, or, we could end up with twins.  There would be about a 30% chance of twins.  He said at this point we might be ready to just move things along so they would understand if we chose to do 2, even though they are high grade blasts and transferring just 1 has a good chance of ending up in pregnancy.

Rob and I had a long talk about it and have decided on transferring just one.  We thought it would be healthier for both me and baby.  And, if it works, we can still have 1 frozen left to maybe create baby sister/brother in a few years.   Of course, if it doesn't work, we have to go through it again with the 2nd frozen, but FET (frozen embryo transfers) are much easier than fresh, so I'd be fine.  We talked about how twins would be "fun" but not too fun when it comes time for 2 late night feedings, and 2 dirty diapers, and 2 orthodontia bills, and 2 college tuitions...we'll be very happy with one healthy baby.  We have agreed that with our next fresh cycle (if these frozen don't work and our 3rd cycle is our last attempt) that we will get more aggressive then.

Dr. Stassart was very confident.  He even told us "I'm sure that next time you will have what you've been hoping for."

We really feel like with God's help, our future looks bright here.  Looking forward to what these FET's bring.

In the meantime...we're trying to refinance both our duplexes (almost done with that process), they're urbanizing our road all summer long putting in curb and gutter, sidewalk, bike lane, and parking lane, we've recently met with an attorney to draft our Will, we just revamped our financial profile by doing some new investments, and we just paid a FORTUNE to the tax man.  I've started running again and lost about 10 pounds...I have a long way to go, but I'm happy to get some control before starting IVF again.  So, to say we have a lot going on would be an understatement.  One exciting thing we learned today is that my appeal went through and all those medical bills that weren't paid ($8500 worth) are now being covered by insurance.  Whew!  It was a lot of work to get that to go through, but we're so glad it did!

I'll try to do a better job of keeping things updated now that things are starting up again.  Wish us luck that our little Frozens have all the correct happy little chromosomes so we can have the baby we've always dreamed of!

One last thing...Rob and I are now reading the Bible regularly.  We read the story of Sarah and Abraham...how Sarah couldn't have children even though God promised them a child.  As she got older, she got very impatient and she took matters into her own hands.  She had her maidservant lay with Abraham and they conceived a child.  Then Sarah became jealous.  God finally said "why didn't you wait, I promised you a child...." and He blessed them with Isaac.  So...God really does have a plan for us...and us trying to manipulate and control His plan isn't going to work.  We are hoping His plan is to bless us with a child soon...and if it's a boy we've thought of naming him Isaac.  :)

Goodnight!

Chromosome Confusion

I had the meeting with the genetic counselor.  She was so nice!  She did her best to explain biology to me, even though science is one of my weakest subjects!  We started out looking at pictures of what chomosomes should look like in a normal human.  We talked about how our baby had Trisomy 5, and that those always end in miscarriage.  We talked about how we get 1 chromosome from our mom, and one from our dad, and it is unknown why ours had an extra 5 chromosome.  Could have something to do with my "older" eggs. 
Next we talked about Balanced Translocation.  I've included an article that explains this below, which will help you.  I struggled to understand today!  They can give us a blood test to check for this to see if one of us is a carrier. 
Bascially I learned that of couples trying to conceive a mere 1% will have recurrent miscarriages.  Look at us in that 1%!  If you told me there was a 1% chance of my sandwich having glass in it, I would eat the sandwich.  I 1% risk is pretty small.  I can't believe we're in such a minority!  Someone my age, with recurrent miscarriage has about a 2% chance of having a pregnancy with chromosomal abnormalities.  That means we have a 98% of a pregnancy being healthy.  I guess. 
We can have the blood test to see if we have balanced translocation, but that doesn't mean they can do anything to fix it.  They can't go in and rearrange my chromosomes!  It is what it is, but at least then we'd know what's really causing things.  If we have balanced translocation, we can have PGD testing done on our embryos to try to see if any of our embryos are healthy before we transfer them.  But, PGD testing is an additional, EXPENSIVE cost.  The blood tests we're talking about to test for the balanced translocation aren't cheap either.  They run about $900 for Rob, and $900 for me, and there's a good chance insurance won't cover it. 
We also went over all the family history we had to provide them, which didn't really show anything conclusive.  It wll be nice to get a copy of the counselor's report to see how she summarizes our situation.
This blog is a very SHORT version of the 1.5 hour meeting I had this morning.  If we have any more miscarriages, we need to have them tested to see what caused them.  They can't guarantee that our first 2 miscarriages were caused by chomosomal problems, but I tested negative for all the other issues that can cause miscarriages, so I think that is what happened with them.  If we have the testing and find we have balanced translocation, we could consider the option of donor egg or donor sperm.  That might help.
So, now I wait for the counselor to send her report to Dr. Stassart.  Rob and I think Dr. Stassart will recommend the testing.  Then we will see where we go from there. 

Article that might help explain:

Balanced Translocation and Recurrent Miscarriages

      

A chromosomal translocation is a condition in which part of a chromosome has broken off and reattached in another location. Translocations can be completely harmless or they can cause serious health problems, depending on the circumstances. In the case of the former, many people can have translocations without being aware of the condition. This is usually the case for reciprocal (or balanced) translocation, a type of chromosomal translocation that increases the risk of recurrent miscarriages.

What Balanced Translocation Means:

In a balanced translocation, a person usually has all the genetic material necessary for normal growth -- a piece of a chromosome is merely broken off and attached to another one. However, when that person's cells divide to create egg or sperm cells for reproduction, the egg or sperm cells can end up with extra genetic material or missing genetic material, which could lead to miscarriage depending on which chromosome and genes are affected.

Incidence in Recurrent Miscarriages:

In about 4.5% of all couples with recurrent miscarriages, one or both parents has a balanced translocation. Research has shown that couples with balanced translocations are more likely to have miscarriages than couples without balanced translocations. There's some evidence that balanced translocations involving specific chromosomes are more likely to cause miscarriages than others.

Testing for Balanced Translocation:

Balanced translocation is diagnosed through a test called a karyotype in which blood samples from both parents are analyzed looking for the translocation. Some research suggests balanced translocation in the mother is most likely to be associated with recurrent miscarriages, but fathers can be carriers as well.

Treatment for Balanced Translocation:

There is no cure for balanced translocation, and in most cases, the only adverse effect on health is recurrent miscarriages. For couples affected by balanced translocation, odds are in favor of a successful pregnancy at some point, but repeated miscarriages can obviously be difficult to cope with emotionally.In some cases, couples with balanced translocation can opt for a treatment called preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD). In PGD, the couple conceives via in-vitro fertilization along with gene testing of the embryos to be sure that they do not have an unbalanced translocation. PGD is very expensive, however, and not covered by insurance much of the time, which is another reason why many couples are forced to keep trying without intervention.

Ramblings....

Whoops - haven't blogged in over a week!  Where does the time go?  This was a BUSY week.  I tried to pull off a surprise party for Rob for his birthday but he caught on.  We still had a great time though having family and friends over.  I got Rob some nice gifts too.  This was after celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary on Valentine's day at Red Lobster.  9 years, and each year just gets better and better. 
On a sad note, Rob's aunt Joan, uncle Gary's wife, died this past week.  We attended her funeral yesterday in IL.  On the ride home, Rob's brother Cory said, "So weird how your life can just change like that.  Last Saturday, Uncle Gary didn't know he'd be at Joan's funeral this Saturday."  That was such an interesting view of the situation.  It really hit home for me.  Sometimes we get so sucked in to our day to day lives, or we get caught up in whatever major is going on in our lives at the time, that we forget to look at the big picture that life really is short, moments really are precious, and we need to live each day as if it were our last.
On the way home from the funeral, Rob, Cory and I stopped at White Castle for lunch, and then made a trip through Cabella's.  We had so much fun spending the day with Cory.  The three of us had a lot of laughs.  It turned a sad funeral day into a day full of some fond memories.
Today we are going to Rob's mom and dad's house for his birthday dinner - his mom makes him whatever he would like to eat - which of course is shake and bake chicken...and she is making him an R2D2 cake, at his request.  :)  Rob and I are going over there early because we need to have Joe and Sue help us with our genetic counseling "homework."  There's a lot of info we need to bring with us to our appointment, all dealing with family history.  I spent about an hour on the phone with my mom the other night getting what I needed about my side of the family.  I will be keeping this info somewhere safe now that we have it!
As for me, I haven't been feeling that well lately.  TMI, but I've been having some bowel issues.  I went to my doctor on Thursday, but they narrowed it down to some meds I was still taking for IVF.  My IVF doctor told me it is probably not from those meds, but said I could stop the meds anyway.  I stopped taking them and the symptoms have not gotten better.  I think I have IBS.  It is not a fun thing to have.  I hope it is just that and not anything more serious.  I won't go into detail, but my BM's are NOT normal...and I have back pain associated with it as well.  My poor body sure has been through a lot since July!
I started a serious exercise regimen last week.  Felt so good to get running again on my treadmill.  However, I've been totally derailed by pizza, birthday cake and White Castle this weekend.  Hoping to start fresh again tomorrow.
Went to church today.  My parents came with us for the 2nd week in a row.  They really are enjoying Appleton Alliance, and they really like the Pastor.  I can't thank Ann enough for her influence to get us back to church, and now that has extended to my parents.  What a wonderful sign of God's work in our lives.
Thursday is our big appointment!  I really hope the appointment pushes us closer to our goal of having children.  To be honest, I don't even know what the outcome will be.  I don't know if Rob and I will need testing, or if the info we drag in to them on paper is all they will need.  Just hoping that when we leave there on Thursday we will be armed with more info, or that Dr. Stassart will have some more answers, whatever they may be.  We really have learned a lot in the past few months, in all areas of our lives.  I never knew our fertility journey would get this involved, but here we are, continuing to hope for the best!