Santa didn't bring us what we were hoping for...

Good morning and Merry Christmas!  Tomorrow is my first blood test and Friday is my confirmation blood test to find out if our 3rd and final fresh round of IVF worked or not.  I jumped the gun this morning and took a home pregnancy test...the really good kind...a First Response Early Response, or FRER as they're referred to in the infertility blog world. Sadly, it came up negative.

Now I know, I know.  Sometimes they can be wrong, or sometimes it's too early, but I'm not holding my breath here.  I've taken lots of tests over the years and they've never been wrong.  I know how to use them.  And, I don't think it's too early with tomorrow being my first HCG test.  My nurse will email me tomorrow probably, and if my quant is 0, it will confirm.

For now, I will continue to take all my meds like a good patient, on the off chance that the HPT is wrong, and on Friday, either way, I will be set free from IVF!

So what are my thoughts this morning?  Surprisingly, OK.  I was preparing myself for a failed cycle.  Things just weren't looking too good.  Only 8 mature eggs.  Only one 8 cell on day 3.  No frozens.  I just have learned so much on this journey that I had a hunch this wasn't going to be our miracle baby.  With no frozens, I'm faced with the realization that we really have done all we could to have a biological child of our own, but it was not meant to be. 

When we had our final transfer, Dr. Stassart indicated that he would be willing to keep working with us, but for what?  Nothing new was learned.  There is no new fantastic treatment to try.  I just am done beating my head up against the same brick wall.  IVF is a tough thing to go through even one time, and we did it 5 times, 3 fresh cycles and 2 frozens.  I don't think I'm a quitter to want to move on.

We're not getting any younger and I have to have hope that we will start a family somehow. I'm the type of person that wants to jump into "the next big thing" but Rob will need a little more time to heal from IVF being a big fat failure.   But, when we're ready, I'm excited to start the next chapter in this journey and pursue adoption.  I've known this all along that this was the route we'd take if IVF didn't work, and it finally feels like now I will have a green light to go for it!  IVF left me feeling dead inside.  When it didn't work the first time, and then when we miscarried the second time, it just felt like everything else was just "going through the motions."  I had given control up to Jesus and I believe that he knows a plan for me that is bigger than the one I can dream up for myself.  By stepping back and giving up control, I went through the steps of IVF like a good patient, but I lost my passion for it.  Each negative step just kept wearing me down.  My body has been a science experiment for 1.5 years, and I'm ready to feel some fire inside again!  I know adoption is a long and trying road, but I'm ready to learn all I can about it and forge ahead.

I think Rob and I are meant to do great things.  We weren't meant to just have children the way everyone else does it.  We have different hurdles to go over.  IVF, and infertility in general, is an incredible test of a couple's strength.  I know you've read this blog and know what we've been through but we are the ones that actually lived it.  Every medical procedure (even back to our chlomid, temp charting, and IUI days) every lab test, every pill, every needle, every time under anesthesia, every genetic counseling step, every miscarriage (all 3 of them), every drive to and from MN, we endured together.  We haven't had the joy baby bump pictures, or the beautiful birthing story to tell.  Everything we've been through has led us right back to where we started, childless.  I mean, for those of you with children reading this, really try to imagine if you were never able to have them...no matter how much you love them now, or how badly you wanted them, or how you can't imagine your life without them... imagine that no matter what you tried, you never were able to bring them into this world.  Then you would feel how painful infertility is.

I'm not the only woman to go through infertility.  There are terrible, painful stories out there of miscarriages, and and stillbirths and mid-pregnancy loss.  There are women who try IVF 7, 8, 9 times with no luck.  There are couples who are financially ruined from the cost of the treatments.  I'm not saying I'm better or worse than any of those women, or that Rob and I as a couple are better or worse as any other couple.  I know there are families WITH children who have terrible terrible stories.  Children with cancer, or children with behavioral issues, or physical disabilities that make everyday living difficult and emotionally painful.  I'm not saying we're better or worse than any of those families.  There are people who have perfectly healthy children, and have had no issues having them.  I'm not saying we're better or worse than them.  I'm just saying, after all we've been through, in my opinion, our story is a tough one to bear, but we are incredibly strong, and we'll push through.  Life on earth isn't meant to be easy.  We all will struggle, and this is our struggle.

So far we've been childless our whole lives.  We're OK with that too.  We have a great life with just Rob and I and our pets.  But there is something in us now that longs for something more.  You don't put yourselves through all of that if you don't really want it. 

Part of me is sad, deep down inside, if I really think about it.  It's a punch in the gut to recognize that our final outcome is essentially failure.  It still hurts everytime I hear of someone else that is pregnant (even though I'm happy for them, there is always a "sting" that is associated with it).  It hurts to think I'll never feel a baby kick inside me.  That I'll never look at a child and think "he has Rob's eyes, or my mannerisms."  There is always a part of me that thinks, maybe we should've tried harder when we were younger, and there's the other part of me that is convinced that my eggs and Robbie's sperm just do not, and will not ever make a baby, even though my doctor seems to want to keep trying.  I think there really must be something wrong with one of us, or with our combination, even though all the tests we've had don't show that.  Part of me is afraid to walk away and tell Dr. Stassart, "no more, thank you, even though you think it could still happen, we're done."  What if next time is the time that it would work???  But I'm going to speak from experience here and say that it won't.  :)

Overall the blessing here is that we are finally done with IVF.  All the filled up syringe containers and left-over meds in my spare bedroom can finally get dropped off at their correct disposal sites.  Rob and I can go back to a life of no restrictions - I can lift 10 pounds again (on Saturday), I can exercise, I can take a hot bath, we can have sex - just for fun!  Not to "maybe make a baby."  That ship has sailed!  :)

I will keep up this blog because if I know me, I won't let too much grass grow beneathe my feet before I'm seriously looking into adoption.  I don't want this IVF finality to stop us in our tracks.  I want it to be the catapult that launches us into hopefully a year of hope, joy, and happiness.  We will have to finalize things with RMIA.  It is my understanding that we will have a big check coming our way (get all our money back now that we failed so miserably), and then we can move on.

All we know is that God must have bigger plans for us, and we learned we must wait on His time.  So, all in God's time, my friends.  Someday Rob and I will be able to look back on our lives and see His plan revealed, and I have to believe it will be worth the effort, and the wait!