Blog Stealer

Ok - so remember how I said I was tempted to cut and paste part of my friend's blog because it so similarly resembles my life?  Well, by golly, I went ahead and did it.  (Gasps from the crowd).  NONE OF HER PERSONAL INFORMATION WAS USED OF COURSE.  I just stole the part that explains FSH, which is the Day 3 test I had done on Wednesday which I got results for today.  I tried to explain it in my earlier blog, but this is a very good explanation - and it saved me a ton of typing!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stolen from my friend's blog:

What does FSH hormone do?Follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) is one of the most important hormones involved in the natural menstrual cycle. It is the main hormone involved in producing mature eggs in the ovaries.

FSH is the same hormone that is contained in the injectable gonadotropins which are used to produce multiple eggs for infertility treatment.


What produces FSH hormone?
Both FSH and LH hormone are produced by the pituitary gland at the base of the brain. When a women goes into menopause she is running out of eggs in her ovaries. The brain senses that there is a low estrogen environment - and signals the pituitary to make more FSH hormone. More FSH is released from the pituitary in an attempt to stimulate the ovaries to produce a good follicle and estrogen hormone.
Think of it like stepping on the gas pedal in the car to get going. The FSH is the gas, and the pituitary gland releases FSH to get a follicle "going" at the beginning of every menstrual cycle. If there are less follicles left (and perhaps lower quality follicles) the amount of "gas" has to be increased to get a follicle developing.


Why measure the FSH level on day 3?
By measuring a woman's baseline FSH on day 3 of the cycle, we can get an indication as to whether she has normal "ovarian reserve". We are looking at how hard her body needs to "step on the gas" early in the menstrual cycle to get a follicle growing.

Therefore, if the baseline FSH is elevated the ovarian reserve (how many eggs are left) is reduced (sometimes the egg quality is also reduced).

What Are Considered To Be Normal FSH Levels:
The normal range for FSH levels will vary between labs. You need to speak to your doctor for an accurate interpretation. Also, comparison with your LH levels and estrogen levels (specifically estradiol, or E2) is required, to get the entire picture.

With that said, a study on day 3 FSH levels and IVF outcomes showed that women with day 3 FSH levels less than 15 mIU/ml had a better chance of pregnancy achievement per IVF attempt, when compared to women with FSH levels between 15 mIU/ml and 24.9 mIU/ml. For women with day 3 FSH levels over 25 mIU/ml, pregnancy rates per attempt were even lower.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drumroll please - My FSH has earned a gold star.  I was at 7.63 so my nurse says my day 3 labs were "excellent."  GOOD NEWS!  My Estradiol and LH were in great range too...so we're off to a good start!

On an unrelated note - and some of you already know this...my little love Cecil (my yellow lab) has been diagnosed with Retinal Degeneration Atrophy.  Which means, in short, that in a few months he will be 100% blind, and 200% loved.  :)

Hello again, old friend

Behold - my birth control pack.  I picked these up tonight at the pharmacy.  Of course I was supposed to get 3 months worth but my pharmacy was "out."  I got their last pack, so they "owe me two."  I'll have to go back to collect the rest of my order.  Never easy, right?
I went for my blood work this morning.  I gave 4 vials of blood.  Some were sent to St. E's lab and some were sent to our fertility clinic.  I should have results by Friday I believe, but again, my nurse isn't worried about my numbers.  Remember that I need good hormone numbers to qualify for the HOPE program, which, how shall I say, gives us the most bang (without the bang - yes, I went there) for our buck.  :)  She said that it's not too hard to fall within the normal range they are looking for, so that is good. 
Now on to the picture above.  Some of you may be saying "Egads!  Why go on the pill if you're trying to get pregnant?"  Well, I doubt many of you used the word "egads" but that is how I hear you reacting in my head.  It's funner.  (Not a word, I know).  My not so scientific understanding of why I am now on the pill is so my doctor's can be more in control of my upcoming cycles.  They will be able to induce ovulation using injections when they are ready, rather than have my body do it on it's own.  They call it "down-regulating" where they are "shutting off" my bodies natural ovulation cycle until they are ready to move forward...after all my tests are done and when the clinic schedule is ready for me, etc.
So my nurse told me to pick them up and start them tonight.  I had to question her about what pill to take first, the first one in the pack or the first "Wednesday" one.  It had been so long since I've had bcp's in my possession that I couldn't figure it out on my own!  My nurse told me start with the first pill in the pack, they just put the days of the week on there so you don't forget to take one.  My pack  came with little stickers so I could change the first pill from Sunday to Wednesday.  Whew!  Crisis averted.  Hopefully those little stickers will work like my nurse says they should...to help me remember to take them.  How crazy is it going to be that this is back in my life...taking that little bugger at the same time every day.  I have made myself a little note on my pill pack to remember.  If that doesn't work I'll tie a string around my finger.
I popped the first one out of the pack at 5pm.  I had to pause before putting it in my mouth.  It felt so wrong to be putting that in my body again after all these years.  It was like I wasn't sure I could do it!   Such a weird feeling.  But, it's in there now.  That little tiny pill doing god knows what to my poor little reproductive system.  Shut `er down! (Oh well, it's not like it was working that great to begin with)!
The pharmacist made a lovely comment when I picked them up.  Something about "Jennine Newhouse, opposite of Oldhouse."  I said, "believe it or not, I've heard that one before."  He said, "well take these pills or you'll have a Full House!"  I immediately felt the need to explain myself.  "Well, actually I'm taking them for a different reason.  I'll be starting IVF soon and this is the first step.  We're actually hoping for a full house!"  He said "Ohh!  Well, it works, just ask my daughter!"  I jumped at the chance of hearing another success story, "Oh?  IVF worked for her?"  He said, "well no, she did IUI and is pregnant right now, but she's had miscarriages.  Just hoping it stays in there this time." 
I totally get that.  :)

Earth, Wind and Fire

I have to again thank my friend for introducing me to her blog that she had kept when she went through IVF.  I have read and re-read her incredible story more than she would probably feel comfortable with me doing.  :)  I have stalked her time-table, her emotional ups and downs, and her intelligent views, and I know her blog like I know the words to the Pledge of Allegiance.  I can read her emotions like I'm looking in a mirror, as if I were reading the biography of my own life.  I am reminiscent of times she and I shared together when we lived, with 2 other wonderful girls, each of us lucky enough to have our own dorm room, at the end of the hall on the 2nd floor in Smith Hall at UWSP.  Go Pointers!  Who would have known then that this far down the road our paths would meet again due to such significant similar events in our lives.  I am so grateful to her for keeping such a poignant record of her life events.  I'm sure she didn't know when she wrote it how much her words would mean to another human being, but it has been amazing to me.  It is my reference tool, my education manual, and my go-to spot for inspiration (and determination) that this will work for us too.  It is so much more than grabbing a book off the shelves at Barnes and Noble.  This is someone I know, I trust, I respect, I care about, that went through this, and was successful!  Sometimes I'm tempted to just cut and paste her writings into my own blog since I feel so much of the same things she did.  Again, thank you thank you thank you for helping me in my journey more than you'll ever know.

Because of my friend's blog, as I sit here today, looking forward to tomorrow as what I'm considering as the start of everything, I'm feeling great comfort in really knowing what is going to happen in the next few months.  I know my story can vary greatly from my friend's...but at least I have a reference guide as to how it might go.  In judging from her timeline, I'm looking at possible egg retrieval around September 9th, 2012.  AGAIN - this is a VERY rough estimate, and a lot could change, but if it goes similarly to her story, that is the date I'm targeting.  It's comforting to have a date to imagine the process getting to.  The crazy thing is that September 9th is my Grandpa Hesse's (my mom's dad) birthday (and you thought I didn't know that much about my Grandparents!) So that is encouraging in it's own way.  :)  (Also, I can't seem to get Earth, Wind and Fire out of my head now.  Not all of you will get that musical reference).

So while September seems so far away, a lot will be happening between now and then.  There will be busy days and not so busy days, but each day is inching us closer to parenthood.  I now find myself interested in children when we're out and about "Oh look at that cute baby.  Look at that cute little outfit.  Did you see what that little kid did?"  I watch other parents as they seem "annoyed" with their kids and I think "if you had to try as hard as we are to have one of those things, you wouldn't look so annoyed..."  but then I remember that being a parent is the hardest job I, or anyone else, will ever have, and I'm sure there will be days when I have that tired look on my face too!  :) 

So far my only reference to parenting is being the parent to my pets.  Today Cecil had a vet appointment, just for his shots.  Pretty standard.  Well, when I got home, he was limping.  That was new.  Then, I found that Rodger had eaten nearly 1/2 a bag of cat food (and our catfood isn't cheap Special Kitty Walmart brand...it's special alright...specially formulated vet food for our cat Rocky's "kidney issues."  Not cheap at all.)  The gorging of the cat food happened sometime after I left for work and before Rob had left for work.  It had gone undetected until I got home.  Rodger's belly actually looks distended like he COMPLETELY overate today.  So, I take limping Cecil to the vet who of course doesn't limp at all for the vet, so I look like a crazy person.  I tell the vet about Rodger's binge-fest and he confirms that yes, his belly may be "fat" for a few days, and he may get the "runs".  That should be fun.  Our vet also is concerned that Cecils' Retinas may be detaching and he should go see the opthamologist at the Referral Center to try to prevent him from going blind.  What!?!?!  Again, not cheap.  Even more "not cheap" than the expensive cat food. 

So, picture this pet parent with that annoyed and tired look on her face, because it's there.  :)

Aunt Flo is in the hizz-ous

Well my period has finally arrived!  It's technically go-time, and I took the necessary steps to inch us closer to the "what's next" part of this process.
Before I continue though, I'd like to take a moment to say goodbye to "normal baby-making" which has been laid to rest today.  As I alluded to in previous posts, every month you hold onto the hope that your period won't come and that you'll be blessed with a surprise pregnancy.  This month I held onto that hope the most.  Our journey started on Memorial Day when we began to investigate the possibility of surrogacy, which then led us to IVF.  Memorial Day also happened to be the last day of my period last month.  So even though we were (and still of course are) looking forward to IVF as being the best chance at achieving what we want, we gave it a good try this past month to just conceive on our own, unassisted by science.  I had slightly hoped we'd be one of those stories like the ones I've heard "oh, my cousin's best friend's sister was just about ready to do IVF and they found out they were pregnant!"  I thought, "hey, maybe that could happen to us!"  But alas, it didn't.  It's a bitter sweet feeling because from this point on I am leaving it up to medications, a team of physicians, medical procedures, and doctor's orders to get me from Point A to Point B.  In a way, it feels SOOOOOO good to be putting our faith and trust into something so proven to work for so many people, but it also feels ultimately scary that there's no turning back now and that we are committing to trying this until it works (can try up to 3 times, which could take over the course of a full year).  So goodbye to any chance of just peeing on a stick and smiling happily at the results in the bathroom mirror, and hello to getting to the 2-week wait point and anxiously awaiting the phone call from the nurse with the blood test results!
So, once my period, or Aunt Flo (as you'll recall is the name we have lovingly chosen for my period...along with every other woman with a fertility blog) finally showed up, I got on the horn and dialed my fertility nurse.  She is G-R-E-A-T.  She was so excited to hear from me and again encouraged and reassured me with her thoughts of how much faith she has that this will work for us.  I made my appointment to meet with her on Day 3, Wednesday morning, at 6am (sound too early to be out of bed?  Not for this cat!  I usually am at work reporting for duty at 0600 hours) for a blood test that will be sent to the lab at our clinic in Minnesota.  Simple enough.

Or not.

I PROMISED myself that I would not worry myself through this process...but like an idiot I've already read all the info that is out there on this procedure, so naturally I had questions that were not answered in my excited phone call with my nurse.  I sat at work mulling over the thought of emailing her.  Should I or shouldn't I?  "No Jennine.  Don't do it.  Have some self control.  Trust the nurses and doctors.  They know what they're doing.  But, even if they do know what they're doing, they haven't answered my questions.  They must deal with insane women all the time, what would one little email hurt?  But, then I could be labeled 'that annoying lady with all the questions' (I certainly have labeled people much worse than that in my job).  But what if I never know the answer.  Won't I feel better having asked rather than just keeping it bottled up, wondering?  What is more stressful, knowing or not knowing?"  After talking with my boss (who also happens to be my confidant and friend) I decided to let it go.  Relax, and ignore the battle in my head.  Trust the nurse.  And I did.

Until I got home.

I did send an email to my nurse.  I had to.  If I didn't, the sky would fall.  I had 3 questions.
1.  Perhaps my flow isn't heavy enough yet to be constituted as Day One.  Is 6am on Wed. morning too early to test?  (This could potentially be devastating.  My numbers could be all out of whack just because I was too stupid to recognize "regular flow."  I have NEVER analyzed my "flow" this crucially in my life).
2.  What about an ultrasound?  I've read that they do one on Day 3 as well as the blood test.  (This I thought about not asking.  Perhaps she forgot about the ultrasound part, which would be fine with me.  I prefer, as any woman would, NOT to have one on Day 3 of Aunt Flo's visit.  Eww.  However, the thought that this wonderfully gifted and intelligent woman forgot a step in this process is highly unlikely.  She does this all the time.  I, on the other hand, do not).
3.  What about Rob's blood tests?  Doesn't he need to be tested for infectious diseases, etc?  I thought I read in my friend's blog that she and her hubby went in for bloodwork together.  (Surely if it happened in my friend's blog it will happen that exact same way for me.  WRONG!  I should NOT be comparing my situation to anyone elses.  Everyone is different.  However, I wouldn't mind watching Rob squirm from a needle poke if I have to!)

So now I wait for my answers.  I will get them.  My nurse is wonderful about getting back to me.  However, how the hell am I going to knock this crap off for the rest of the process?  I really want to just go with the flow, and relax, and let things happen, and do what my doctors say.  But I'm just too darn nosey!  I'm going to have to let that part of me take a vacation for the next few months.  I really, truly, want this to be a relaxing experience...the stuff I will be going through will be hard enough without my neurosis kicking in!!

My nurse did mention that on Wednesday she will discuss the next steps with me.  I will be going on the birth control pill soon.  Not sure where we go from there, but basically I am in the thick of it now.  So exciting! 

As for an explanation of the Day 3 testing, for those of you that are wondering what they need my blood for...I do have an answer to that.  (See?  You have questions too.  I'm not the only one with an inquiring mind that wants to know...!)  The blood work is done to evaluate my follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), luteinizing hormone (LH) and Estradiol (E2) levels to determine the quality of my eggs.  Each lab and clinic will have levels of these hormones that they deem acceptable.  They need your eggs to be of good quality to make sure you're a good candidate for IVF.   We need good numbers to qualify for the "refund if it doesn't work" program.

So when I get an answer to my earth-shattering questions above, I'll share.  Otherwise from now until Wednesday it's just business as usual, only, it's business as usual with a hint of "I could be pregnant soon" sprinkled on top.  :)

I'm seeing spots but would rather just go with the flow...

Started some slight spotting this morning.  Holding out for that surprise pregnancy is starting to fade into the distance.  A few more twinges are striking in my abdoment region as well, so it's not looking like the "old college try" did the trick.  I'd like to just get to my actual period now since you have to wait for your first day of "regular flow" before you call the nurse to make your appointments.  Think it would show up a couple hours after the spotting, but noooooooooooooooo.  Nothing is that easy!  Still just running to the bathroom every hour - good thing I have nothing better to do today!  HA! 

Please pass the gravy

Overall this week of waiting was a good week.  We got good news about a family member's health.  My brother-in-law tied the knot with his beautiful bride, my new sister-in-law, in Vegas.  (In their case what happened in Vegas will not stay there, it will come home with them and stay until death they do part).  Rob has some exciting changes taking place at the shop.  A close friend of mine has also decided to live sober.  Lots and lots of positives! 
So, the fact that each twinge in my abdomen has me reaching for the phone to dial my fertility nurse, as if I were the President picking up the receiver on the red phone in the Oval Office, only to discover that it was yet another false alarm really hasn't been too hard to bear.  It will happen soon enough.  However, I do have the theme from Jaws running through my head each time I go to the bathroom...duh...nuh...duh...nuh...duhnuh, duhnuh, duhnuh....is it there?  Nope. 
I can't lie - I did start to think, as I've done for so many times in my life, "hey, maybe I'm pregnant...maybe Rob and I will have a miracle pregnancy and we won't have to go through the process of IVF, and we can save ourselves lots of energy, time, stress and money too!"  However, I know not to dream that big.  I more than likely am not pregnant naturally.  If I were to be, that sure would be odd.  We were so close to taking a HUGE leap because of being "infertile" and then to be pregnant on our own would have to be like Mother Nature having a little laugh at our expense.  I can see her now, with a chipmunk on her shoulder, and a flower in her hair, and a bird circling her head...she'd say to Father Time, or Jack Frost, or The Man in the Moon or whoever she was hanging out with at the time, "HA HA HA!  I sure got them!  Look at that, all ready to take that crazy leap and then I just went ahead and gave them what they wanted.  That was so funny.  Ok, I'm gonna go pick on another undeserving couple now!"  That Mother Nature, she can sure be a bully sometimes! 
The worst thing is that usually I am religious with tracking my cycle dates on my calendar at work.  I've become trained to do so after all these years.  When you are trying to conceive you always want to know when your period started so you can try to figure out when you'll be ovulating, so you can plan the right days to try to conceive, and then you can track when you're period is expected so you know exactly which days to become A COMPLETE NERVOUS WRECK.  You think things like:
"Oh - is that a cramp?  Or, maybe I'm feeling 'implantation'."  "Is that my period?  Or maybe I'm just having implantation spotting."  "Do my boobs hurt?  Or am I just pushing on them too much to see if they hurt?"  "Am I hungrier?  Am I more tired?  Am I nauseous?"  "Should my period be here today?  Or tomorrow?  Has it been 28 days?  30?  34?"  Oh yeah, I've had a lot of months of trying to convince myself I was pregnant, only to come crashing down from that high when Aunt Flo did show up.  This month I did a sucky job at tracking what day it should arrive.  I could've kicked myself when I didn't see my traditional little "?" on my calendar indicating: "period?"  I tried to recount from the month before.  I tried to remember "did I have my period at the rummage sale on Memorial Day weekend?  When did it end?"  Annoying!  I think I've narrowed it down to it coming on SUNDAY though.
Which is actually exciting.  Sunday would be better than Friday, since if it came on Friday (today), I'd be having my tests on Sunday, which would mean an early trip home from Shawano, etc.  I mean, I'm as excited as the next guy to get this all going, but I didn't really want to cut my weekend short if possible...so thank you, period, for that.  If it comes on Sunday then that puts me in the stirrups for an ultrasound on Tuesday.  (Which is also the day Cecil is scheduled for his Rabies shot at Kaukauna Vet Clinic.  Go figure, the appts will probably clash and I'll be rescheduling for Cec.  I guess I better get good at booking my life around these fertiility appointments since they will start becoming as frequent as episodes of American Idol auditions - how many days a week is that show on when it's on anyway?  Geesh!)
So boys and girls (if there even are any boys reading this, which I don't think there are...but if there are...I apologize for the earlier stirrups reference), be ready for some EXCITING updates next week...things might actually start happening, you won't be subjected to reading "filler" in my blog anymore!  We'll be getting into the meat and potatoes of this adventure soon enough.  Having a baby will be "*gravy."  (Online Slang Dictionary:  Gravy=Easy)  *went well with my meat and potatoes reference.

Just the facts...

So, I went online and found this interesting website about menstruation facts:

http://facts.randomhistory.com/random-facts-about-menstruation.html

Here is a fact about my period.  It isn't here yet.

Fertility statues, Yin & Yang, and poetry

There's a story behind this little guy/gal.  One of the awesome girls I work with got this as a gift from one of her friends, and very shortly afterward she became pregnant with her son.  When I Google "Fertility Statues" I get some images that look like this, and others that are far more, shall we say, graphic.  Anyway, at work we've dubbed this the "Fertility god" statue.  My friend who had her son shortly after receiving the fertility god passed it along to me many moons ago.  And there it sat, not doing a darn thing to help me with my fertility.  It was on a fertility god extended vacation.  I finally gave it up to another girl we work with when she got engaged.  She was a little worried that it was too soon since they want to wait until AFTER their wedding to be relying on the help of any god of fertility...but she took him in nonetheless.  I wanted him to move on.  His laziness was shameful.  Well, once the news broke that Rob and I were going to be trying IVF, guess who showed back up on my window sill?  This guy.  All I can say is, he better be ready to work this time!

As I rode my exercise bike in my cozy makeshift home gym today, I was reading more of my Infertility survival guide book.  I took a second and glanced up and saw this, my little Yin Yang dogs.  In reading online about the real meaning of Yin and Yang it states that it is how things coexist and balance each other in life.  How opposites need eachother to exist, for instance, you can't have light without dark, you can't have hot without cold, etc.  Everything exists in harmony and if it doesn't appear that way in your world then you must seek a balancing agent or create it within yourself.  I of course took this as a symbol.  I'm about to unleash some turmoil in our lives by putting ourselves through infertility treatment, but I will find balance, take one moment at a time, and peacefully come crashing through on the other side!  :)


Lastly, poetry.  I've always liked writing poems.  I wrote them for Rob when we were dating.  I wrote one when I quit drinking.  I write them in friend's birthday cards.  It's just a knack that comes easily to me, and is fun.  So far I've gotten some compliments on my blog...how people really enjoy reading it, like it's a good book that they can't put down...and some have said I've missed my calling - that I should've been a writer.  Basically, people think I have mad writing skillz.  :)  I'm happy to hear things like that since I spend a good portion of my evening typing away here in our home office.  So, without further adieu, let's attempt a poem now:

To all of you who have gotten to know me,
you know I'm not defined by my infertility.
My demeanor is usually pleasant and mild,
my life is full, even without having a child.

I don't sit around and think, "oh, poor little me"
there's always a bright side that I try to see
sure, how things have gone haven't been swell
but you can't appreciate heaven before going through hell

I have several pets, and a career that is great
handsome husband and nice house round out my full plate.
Yet as I got older something seemed to be missing,
we should try for a baby who's cheeks we'll be kissing.

We will try as we may, and try as we might,
we're not going home childless without a fair fight,
so bring on the needles, the tests, and the pain,
we have nothing to lose and so much to gain.

With positive outlooks our future seems bright,
already envisioning sweet little lullabyes at night
We've waited so patiently for our dream to come true
through the miracle of IVF we'll get a baby, or two!

Our fingers are crossed and our prayers have been said
to get the family we've wanted since the day that we wed
in the pit of my stomach I have nothing but hope,
this is our last option, the end of our rope

Imagine what excitement there could eventually be
The universe may finally make a parent out of me!
The rollercoaster of changes may have only just begun
but with Rob by my side I already feel like I've won.  :)

With the odds in our favor we're ready to begin
we'll soak up the good news and bear any bad with a grin.
Soon we'll be creating a "he" or a "she,"
a son or a daughter, our very own baby!!

Book report time

It's been awhile since I was called upon to do a book report - the last time I can recall doing one I had a "Book It" button and was mainly in it for the free personal pan pizzas at Pizza Hut.  Anyway, I am reading a book that was recommended to me.  It's called "The Infertility survival handbook...everything you never thought you'd need to know" by Elizabeth Swire Falker.  Here is what the book says about In Vitro:

"IVF is certainly a tough path but it may be the most effective.  Current statistics consistently show that 75 % of couples (including those who failed to conceive with IUI  - which is what we tried earlier if you'll recall...) conceive within their first 3 or 4 attempts at IVF.  For many couples, IUI is a less intimidating and less expensive treatment option, whereas IVF is often a faster, more direct route to pregnancy.  IVF is expensive but let's talk about what it is:
IVF relies on sophisticated technology and creates the greatest liklihood of conception possible in any one cycle.  I like that part.  More aspects of human conception are controlled and monitored with IVF than with any other method of achieving pregnancy.  For most couples undergoing IVF in a state of the art facility, IVF gives them odds of conceiving in any one cycle that are 3 or sometimes 4 times higher than that of your average fertile 25 year old couple (who've got roughly a 20 percent chance of conceiving in any one menstrual cycle).  IVF routinely offers success (pregnancy/conception) rates near 50%-60% per cycle.  Advanced coculture programs and blastocyst transfer increase success rates to 80% per cycle in some clinics. 
During IVF, doctors use medication to help you produce the best possible quality eggs, surgically remove them from your ovaries in a minimally invasive outpatient procedure, and then combine them with your partner's sperm, watch for fertilization and embryo growth, and then transfer (on average) 3 healthy embryos to your uterus where, hopefully, they'll implant and grow.  This process is diagnostic because your doctor can (1) see what your eggs look like, (2) see how fertilization takes place, and (3) see how the embryos grow.  Each of these steps can reveal a great deal about why you aren't achieving pregnancy and at the same time help you get pregnant.
Sometimes the embryologist discovers that the sperm cannot penetrate the egg to achieve fertilization.  This could be because the zona pellucida (the shell) of the egg is too brittle, so the sperm cannot penetrate the egg.  This only can be detected with microscopes and by experienced embryologists (the people who take care of your eggs and embryos).  Techniques like ICSI (where they fertilize the egg with one single sperm via the use of a very fine needle) can help IVF patients achieve fertilization when the sperm cannot penetrate the egg.
Sometimes egg and sperm look completely normal, but your embryos aren't healthy and don't grow well.  Sometimes this can be corrected with special culture mediums (the nutrient-rich substance that fertilized eggs are put in to help them grow).  Some clinics have state of the art coculture programs that provide a better environment in which poor quality embryos may grow."

SO...with all the scientific possibilities IVF offers us, it's easy to see how we have much better odds than anything we have been trying, because lets face it, that ain't workin'.  It's funny that this whole thing is so scientific because Rob and I "met" in science class.  We were science partners in 9th grade.  I thought he was a total goofball, but MAN, was he smart when it came to science!  And me?  Well, not so much.  The Harnessed Atom.  I certainly don't use proton and electron in my daily conversations!  (Well, I just used those words here, now, in my blog, but it seriously has been since 9th grade since I used them last).  The only thing I really remember about that class is one of the boys brought a baby bunny in in his jacket pocket to give to one of the girls in the class.  It was so cute.  She had just lost her pet rabbit and I am pretty sure the one he brought in was meant to be dinner for his pet snake, but he had a heart and gave it to the girl in class.  How sweet is that?  Probably really sweet for the bunny!
Anyway, back to my survival handbook...that's a great name for a book, isn't it?  When I was like 12 my dad and I attended boater's safety school at Appleton East High School so I could get my boater's license.  We had to make a boater's survival kit for class.  I remember ours was a metal band-aid container with some band-aids, some fishing line, and some mini Snickers inside.  That would surely save anyone stranded at sea.  Thankfully I got my boater's license, complete with my awesome foam/mesh captain's hat, and was able to sucessfully drive dad's fancy blue speed boat right into the corner of the pier that summer.  I put a handsome scratch in it's sparkly paint job...and also put a frown on dad's face.  But, I never had to use our survival kit, so I must've done something right that summer.  I survived, and so did my dad.  :)  Now, here I am needing a survival guide to make a baby!  How insane is that?  What am I going to be surviving that I haven't already?  I hope it's "how to survive the cheek muscle soreness I'm going to get from smiling so much once I learn that I'm pregnant!"
The handbook has it's positives, but of it is a little scary.  The poor woman who wrote the book went through so much.  She never did have a baby.  But, she survived. She ended up adopting and finally has the family she wanted so badly...but she didn't get there easily.  Each process she went through tested her physcial, emotional, marital and financial strength.  I'm hoping that by reading her survival guide I can walk away from the island with $1,000,000.  Wait, wrong Survivor.
The countdown is on for me to survive this week.  Every twinge I have has me running to the bathroom actually hoping Aunt Flo has come to visit.  (Whoever came up with that?  Aunt Flo, often referred to as AF in fertility chat rooms and blog sites.  It's so silly.  As adults, we can't say "my period," we have to refer to it as some awful family relative reject that comes to visit each month and we hate her arrival and can't wait for her to leave.  Although it's silly, I'm happy to use that reference here since I'm sure many of you don't really want to think about "Jennine's period," but you are forced to because you have subjected yourself to reading this blog...so...using the Aunt Flo terminology will make us all feel more comfortable.  To all the "real" Aunt Flo's out there, we apologize for abusing your namesake in this manner.  I suppose that is how all the "Uncle Ben's" out there feel too).  Anyway, may we all survive the countdown to Aunt Flo's visit...it's like Christmas is coming early this year in a lot of ways.  Weird relatives are visiting, we're hoping to get the best gift ever, I'm craving my mom's Snickerdoodles - well, wait, that's always true...I say, bring on the ugly sweaters and mistletoe!

Coming soon...Happy Father's Day!

I'll make this one short and sweet.  Today, up north, my mom, Rob and I were sitting around talking as we stared at the beautiful blue and white waves crashing into our shoreline at Shawano Lake.  We started to talk about how NEXT Father's Day Rob will most likely have a newborn wishing him Happy Father's Day...no more Hallmark Cards just from the Dogs.  :)
We talked about it so openly and freely, we had cute little jokes about if it were a boy or a girl, or one of each.  :)  It was a good feeling to start speaking of this dream as more of a reality in our lives than just a hopeful wish.  I really believe what my nurse says, that this is going to work.  Next year we can be the ones with all the cute Facebook posts saying "...to the best daddy in the world" with a super cute photo of Rob holding our bundle of joy.  And, you know what else that means?  It means we get to celebrate Mother's Day too.  :) 
To those of you that already have husbands who you've helped become fathers, congratulations!!!  Please know that the gift you gave him by being pregnant for 9 months and delivering his baby doesn't come that easily to everyone, and it should be celebrated.  Give yourself a pat on the back for how special you are, and give that husband a big hug and a kiss for helping you through every step of pregnancy and parenting!

Happy Father's Day everyone!

Hit or mis...

JUST got home from working 10 hours at N&M, and 3 hours at RIR, time for a late night blog session.  :)
So since this blog is about our infertility, soon to be fertility, journey, I thought I'd devote a little blog to our first, and only, 2 pregnancies.
Let's take a look at the word miscarriage.  The word "mis" implies that I did something wrong.  I "mis-spoke"... means I said something incorrectly...I "misunderstood"... means I didn't comprehend something correctly...I made a "mistake"...I screwed up....I "mis-spelled" something...I spelled a word wrong...I had a "mishap"...something didn't go as planned...I "mis-quoted" the speech...I said something differently than how it was initially stated...OK - you get the picture. 
So, does miscarriage mean I carried my baby wrong?  All the doctors told me it was nothing I did, but it's hard to believe that.  I remember racking my brain...was it when the dog tripped me and I landed on my knees, was it something I lifted, did I eat something wrong...what caused this "mis"fortune in our lives?  Maybe there isn't a cause.  But, how come a woman on drugs who smokes and drinks can get pregnant and give birth?  She is carrying her baby completely incorrectly.  SHE is miscarrying.  I certainly did everything I could to carry my babies right!
Our first pregnancy was shortly after we were married.  First off, let me say that when Rob and I first started dating at age 16, he was promptly informed that I intended to wait until marriage before giving up my V-card (as the hipsters call it today).  Rob was a polite 16 year old boy who put up with that for a few months, until we fell madly in love and that just became the next step.  (TMI?  My apologies).  Anyway, I was on Birth Control for years folks.  I was the responsible one who shyly made an appointment at Planned Parenthood when I was 16 to get my first pap and get put on the pill.  My mom never even knew I did it.  I was the one who found out you could get the pills cheap from the on-campus clinic in college.  I was the one that figured out when I got a job with insurance that you could get a prescription written for 3 months and just pay one copay for 3 months worth of pills!  (That still works people, in case you aren't aware of that money-saving trick).  I was the one that cried one time because my pill fell into my shaggy bedroom carpet and I couldn't find it and I thought for sure I'd get pregnant from not having protection for that one day (plus I thought my mom would find that pill in the carpet and question me - something I feared above all else).  I NEVER missed a day of taking the pill.  I took it at the same time everyday.  I was even so good that I could just take it with spit - no water required!  I always took the "sugar" pills even though my friends said you didn't have to.  I was a responsible young adult and I wanted to get the most out of life and didn't want an unplanned pregnancy to hinder Rob or I from achieving our dreams. I often joke now that had I known how infertile I was I could've skipped a lot of trips to the pharmacy to fill my monthly prescription!  And oh yeah, mom did find my pills hidden in a sock in my sock drawer when I was in college.  I had let her down, but in the end I'm sure she is proud that she raised a responsible daughter.
Anyway, we were married on Valentine's Day 2004, and I was pregnant by April-ish?  I had gone off the pill right after we were married although we didn't have any plans to start a family right away.  All I remember from that pregnancy is taking a test, seeing a faint line, calling the doctor, having the blood test, and being SO excited to tell Rob.  He got home and I asked him if he thought he made boy babies or girl babies.  He said "why, are you pregnant?" and I resounded YES!  I remember calling my dad from my car on my way home from work saying "you're going to be a grandpa again, I'm pregnant!"  I remember reading the pregnancy books and planning my due date.  I went to Kohls and bought a cute baby outfit and even some maternity shirts.  Our friends got us a cute little lamb that sings lullabyes.  Then, I remember having an early ultrasound because I was complaining about some "pressure" where my ovaries would be.  The ultrasound showed a sac, but no baby.  We even got ultrasound pictures that showed our "fetal pole," as they called it.  We preferred to call it our baby.  The doctor said that was it, this was not a viable pregnancy.  I remember having the D&C and I made poor Rob sit in there with me.  I remember being wheeled out in a wheel chair and my parents were there.  I remember my mom got me a plant, which I eventually killed.  I thought how ironic that I couldn't keep my baby alive, and I'm no better at plants.  I remember getting literature from the hospital to help deal with what had happened to us.  I still have all that stuff, tucked neatly away in a box in our spare bedroom, and I take it out to look at sometimes, when I'm feeling especially blue.
Rob and I gave baby making a LONG break.  There were times when he wanted to, there were times when I wanted to.  We tried and tried.  Ovulation kits.  Taking my temperature each morning.  Laying perfectly still for 1/2 an hour afterward.  I tried accupuncture, which was amazing, except my accupuncturist turned out to be a bit of a creeper so I stopped that.  I tried taking mucus pills.  We tossed out all of Rob's tight undies.  At some point in there I had my tubes tested. I've even been tested for PCOS. I should've bought stock in Pregnancy tests.  Nothing. 
In 2009 we decided to try IUI.  Miraculously it worked on our first try!  I couldn't believe our luck!  I had a completely different outlook.  I was not worried about miscarriage - ok - who am I kidding?  I was terrified of it, but also really felt like this was a different way to get pregnant, and the fact that we even GOT pregnant was 1/2 the battle...so we were having a baby!  I bought more books, and cute baby shoes.  I had friends that were pregnant at the same time - this was exciting.  I remember taking the pregnancy test at home and sitting on my bed shaking and crying.  It had worked!  I texted my friends at work (I had the day off).  I was so excited!  The blood tests showed my numbers were skyrocketing.  We had dreams of it possibly being multiples (which can happen with IUI).  My nurse told me I had nothing to worry about with numbers like those!  We went on a trip to MN, and I remember I drank water and peed a lot.  I thought - wow - peeing a lot is a pregnancy sign - I really am pregnant! (although the peeing all the time I think is more in the 3rd trimester when the baby is camped-out on your bladder...not in like week 5 where I was at)!  I remember going up to Rob's parent's cottage and reading my "what to expect when you're expecting" book in a lawnchair outside.  The next thing I remember is going to the Shawano Fair that night with friends of ours who were also expecting.  I remember walking the fair grounds thinking "next year I can bring my baby to the fair!"  Then I remember having pain as we walked to the car.  I tried to shrug it off.  The ride back to the cottage was painful, but I never said a word.  I remember climbing out of the back of the car and feeling a rush like I had just wet my pants.  I knew this could not be good but I still hoped for the best.  I casually walked into the cottage and grabbed a fresh pair of underwear, headed to the bathroom with the intention of heading out to the bonfire in a few minutes.  What I found was horrible.  I knew it was the beginning of the end but I tried to think positive.  I screamed for Rob and we called the Nurse Direct line, and my mom.  Keep in mind we're in Shawano on a holiday weekend...the doctor on call wasn't much help.  We had an ultrasound the next day in Appleton.  The doctor made us think maybe we were pregnant with twins and we had only lost 1.  I was oddly ok with that - we still had one baby...that was good, right? The next ultrasound showed nothing positive.  I began to have painful contractions and they scheduled me for a D&C.  It's pretty sad when it's your second time going through such an awful procedure, but I just couldn't wait for it to be done.  I was comforted by the fact that I knew what to expect and the cruelty of experiencing a pregnancy loss would soon be over.  Once I knew there was no hope I just wanted the pregnancy "journey" to come to an end, swiftly.
After that we tried IUI one more time, no success.
We took another LONG break.  We talked about adoption.
Now, here we are.  You can now see why I'd be fearful of miscarriage with IVF.  But, I am hopeful that through processes like ICSI, and assisted hatching, and progesterone injections, I have my best chance at sustaining a pregnancy.  I'm going to look for new "mis" words...like...I'm going on a "mys"tical journey called IVF, and all the "mys"tery of why I had problems in the past will be wiped away.  I am ready to put an end to our "mis"ery.  This time...I will carry this pregnancy to the best of my ability all the way through to my child's birthday...no miscarriages allowed.  :)

And now...Deep Thoughts...

How come insurance will cover like 3 expensive back surgeries, all for the same person, that end up not even fixing the problem, that the patient probably caused themselves for lifting something wrong, but it won't cover IVF to help treat infertility?

How come you can't eat fast food for every meal in a month and still rock a bikini?  (And, if you can do this, then I'm not sure how I feel about you right now).

Why do people say "things happen for a reason" or "God has a plan" and then you're left wondering "What reason did God have for that crazy plan???"

If cats and dogs don't get along then why does my cat Rocky rub up against my dog Cecil's chest?  And in turn, why does my big dog Cecil then look like he's afraid of cats?  :)

Why do we work 5 days a week, and only get 2 days off?  Has anyone ever thought of doing it the other way around?

Why is a penny bigger than a dime but a dime is worth more?  No wonder we give less value to ourselves when we are "bigger."

Why does my cat HAVE to sit on my lap while I'm typing this?

...and the number one deep thought of today:

I just cleaned my house a couple days ago.  What the hell happened?

The power of positive (pregnancy test) thinking...

So I was in communication with my nurse today regarding how I will get in contact with her when my period finally does arrive.  It is funny how I can't wait for my period to get here...that NEVER happens.  :)  Anyway, my nurse believes this is going to work.  There isn't a speck of doubt in her emails to me.  I mean, I'm sure if she was like "yeah, fat chance of it working on you honey," to each of her patients she'd probably soon be out of a job.  But, I know what a caring woman she is and she's been a big part of the lives of so many women and couples in our community helping them achieve their dreams of starting a family (the proof is in the countless cute baby photos that adorn her office wall), that I just can't help but want to believe that her positive thoughts are 100% correct. 
She said today that both she and Dr. Wagener are very excited for me and Doctor Wagener thinks things will go very good for me.  She also said she got to make the phone call today to their last 2 IVF patients that went to the clinic we are going to to tell them they have a positive pregnancy test.  I mean, if that's not positive thinking, I don't know what is!  :)  She told me that over the past 8 years I've been a great patient with a lot of patience and she and Dr. can't wait to see my baby bump.  I couldn't agree with her more!

Oh Tom Petty, you know me so well...

...the waiting IS the hardest part!  Those of you that know me know darn-tootin' well that I am lacking in the patience department.  I was born with a patience gene deficiency.  Examples of things I've had or have a hard time waiting for:
1.  My engagement ring
2.  A new dog after Merc died
3.  Christmas
4.  Summer
5.  Dessert
6.  Seeing Titanic for the 2nd time in the theater
7.  A New Kids on the Block reunion
8.  Rob getting home from work - everyday
9.  The finish line at the 1/2 marathon
10.  The line for the bathroom at a house party in college
11.  A pot to boil
12.  A phone to ring
13.  3pm on any work day
14.  The completion of my home remodel last winter
15.  Any visit from my sister (ever since she moved away for school when I was like 8)
16.  The end of NASCAR season
17.  The start of Packers season
18.  For Rodger to do his "business" when he has to go out at 3am
19.  The number on the scale to come down when I'm on my latest health kick
20.  ...and oh yeah...the start of the IVF process!

I am very excited to start this exciting adventure, and I've already had a talk with myself.  "Listen here, most beautiful girl in Wisconsin...ahem...I mean....Jennine...you must be patient throughout this.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  Take your time with each injection. each appointment.  Take each piece of news and process it.  No expectations, great or small.  No negatives but not too unrealistically positive." 
I've already been too impatient with getting to the end of that fictional patience speech I just typed above.  What it boils down to is; that I am going to really have to keep myself in check throughout all of this.  Try not to drive myself or Rob nuts.  Take it easy.  No heavy lifting when it's not allowed.  Stay off my feet when told to.  Not feel bad when Cecil hasn't gotten a walk...he is a dog afterall...even though I know that he speaks to me with his eyes.  (Did that creep anyone out?  Sorry.  Just really love those dang pets!)  Try not to read myself into an information oblivion on the subject (I told my best gal pal that at work...I said "I'm just going to listen to my doctor and do what they say, I'm not going to go overboard and read a bunch of crap online..." and she goes "Yes you are."  Ah, how she knows me so well!)
Anyway, I can do this.  I want this to be a pleasant experience for all involved.  I don't want to get annoyed when people want to hear the story of the day's events AGAIN.  I don't want to BE annoying to my nurse by sending her 10 emails about the mind-numbing questions I concoct in the noise in my head.  I am a smart, level-headed human being...but I've never tried SO HARD to make a baby before...so...there's no telling what type of patience vampire is about to be unleashed to suck the last bit of patience right out of me.  Garlic anyone?

We are good to go - period.

First a little word about last night.  Rob had been violently ill from Sunday through to Monday.  Stomach pain, vomiting, diarrhea.  I texted him shortly before seminar kick-off and he said his lunch went right through him but he was prepared to take me to the seminar.  Oh boy!  I felt bad that he wasn't feeling 100% for it, since I was SO excited, but also super nervous.  We arrived plenty early although I was fearful we were running late - go figure.  There was 1.5 other couples in the group with us.  By 1.5 I mean one other hopeful couple, and a poor husband who was sent there, with a list of questions, by his wife who was at work. 
The seminar had 2 parts.  The first was put on by a doctor from the clinic we are choosing to use located in Woodbury, MN.  The doctor went over all the ins and outs, literally, of In Vitro.  How they go IN and take OUT the egg, how they put the sperm IN the egg, how they put the egg back IN the uterus, how if it doesn't work you aren't OUT all your money....it was great.  The second part was all about the financials.  Different ways to make a program work for you, and your wallet.  All of this info was info I had already previously gathered from my incredible sleuthing abilities...hunting down info online, in books, and through testimonials from my friend.  At the end they opened it up to questions, then we skedaddled out of there. 
On the way home we had - to be polite - a wondeful little disagreement about the different ways to finance our baby dreams...but don't worry, we hugged it out and made up.  :) 
Today I emailed my nurse to tell her we are going to go ahead with everything!  Rob called the bank and got some money stuff squared away.  We are good to go!  My first instruction is to call my nurse when I get my period to schedule my first lab test, which will be on day 3 of my period.  Judging from my past medical history in my chart, my nurse isn't forseeing any problems with the outcome of our day 3 test - so fingers crossed!  I expect to get my period late next week I believe, so go-time may be as soon as just a week away!  From there though, it's slow going...birth control pills, then injections, etc.  I don't know what day I will actually have egg-retrieval yet.

I said in earlier posts that I should blog about grandparents and tattoos.  Let's give that a whirl now, shall we?  I don't know much about my grandparents, despite my mother's attempts to get me to know about them.  (Mom - SO sorry if I'm wrong on this stuff!)  I know her father, Arnold Hesse, was a carpenter and he died from a heart attack I believe holding his coffee cup in his chair.  My mom's mother, Martha Hesse, died from leukemia when my mom was only 9 years old.  I do know she had a pet squirrel that used to sleep in her apron pocket.  My dad's father, B.R. Zuelke, owned a bowling alley and a furniture store.  He was known to be a little grumpy.  My dad's mom, Della Zuelke, liked fancy things and I was told once by my great uncle that I look like her.  I don't know how my dad's parents died.  I know there are pictures of me as a baby with Grandpa Hesse and Grandma and Grandpa Zuelke I believe, but I don't recall them at all.  They were all gone when I was a toddler.  I sure wish I would've gotten to know them.  Thankfully I "inherited" grandparents when I married Rob.  Anyway, I see what great parents Rob and I have, and I think we will be great parents together because of the way our parents raised us.  I look forward to watching our child get to know his/her grandparents.  :)

As for tattoos, each one I have has meaning.  I got my first tattoo when I was 18 because "everyone" was doing it.  I got a turtle on my lower back because I loved turtles since I was young and have quite a turtle figurine collection, which stems from a gift one of my sister's friends had gotten me...a little live turtle they found on a golf course that we had named Bogie.  We had to let Bogie go because he wasn't happy living in captivity, and therefore my collection was born.  I got my 2nd tattoo when my sister Michelle died.  It is an angel on my arm that I had touched-up later on in life at which time I included her name on it.  I got my 3rd tattoo because I had "the itch" and it is my Aries loves Aquarius symbol on my ankle, that didn't turn out too well!  I got my 4th tattoo when Rob got his 1st.  It symbolizes our marriage with flowers that have meaning, and the words "Nothing Else Matters" - one of our wedding songs.  The 5th tattoo I got when I quit drinking - it is a picture of a Shawano Lake Sunset symbolizing "one day at a time."  My mom hates my ink but I love it.  It's just part of me.  I read a joke "what will you do with all those tattoos when you're old?"  The answer?  "Be fabulous! Duh!"  Hmmm...I wonder where I'll put the tattoo of my child's name...  :)

What's your sign?

I couldn't wait to get home today to enter this blog post.  When I read my friend's blog that she had kept throughout her IVF journey one thing I loved was the symbolism she found.  She thought carefully about the color of her pedicure to help it bring the process good luck, she found meaning in Chinese fortunes from fortune cookies, and she even learned something magical from a movie coincidence. 
So, since today is the day of our seminar, that I have been anxiously awaiting, as I drove into work I thought to myself, and said out loud (as a little nudge to God) "I wish I could find a sign of how this process will go for us."  I began to think, how could I find a sign?  I'm not planning on Chinese food for lunch, I hardly ever watch movies, and the last time I got a pedicure was for a wedding in 2009!  Then it came to me - how about you read your horoscope for today?  That seemed like a good plan!  I began to think of where I could find my horoscope without getting fired at work for googling it.  Then I remembered when I first got my smart phone I downloaded several apps right away as a new smart phone owner does in the excitement of "hey mom, look what my phone can do!"  I remembered that amongst all my Free Cell and Word games, I had subscribed to a daily horoscope app.  I also remembered how frequently I visit that app - um - never.
Anyway, as my husband will be happy to learn, I waited until my car was safe in the work parking lot before whipping out my phone and side-swiping through my apps until I found what I was looking for, like I was Jack Hoffman looking for gold in a glory hole.  (Rob, that reference was for you - and anyone else who watches The Soup).  There it was, the glorious horoscope app.
I remembered back to being a teenager and reading my horoscope in the Post Crescent, or TV Guide praying that there would be some reference to finding a boyfriend that week.  I remembered the day I got my ankle tattoo symbolizing Aries' love for Aquarius (I love Rob).  (That tattoo sucks and is my least favorite of the 5 that I have... it looks like a devil head exploding into candy corn pieces over a sea of heart monitor rhythms...oh well...inked for life!  Sorry mommy!  Tattoos will have to be another blog topic sometime...that would be fun). 
Ok for those of you who are like "get back to the horoscope puhlease..." here we go.  I tapped on my app which opened right up to Aries.  I knew that whatever it said had the possibility of being bad like "don't start any new journey's today" or something crazy which would've sent my mind spinning.  But OHHHH NO...that is not what it said at all.  What it said spoke volumes to me.  The Astrology gods were smiling on me this morning!  It read: 

"For a long time, Aries, there has been a promise of good fortune hovering on your horizon.  In your mind's eye you could see it there shimmering.  You have been slowly making your way toward it, and now you are almost there.  Since this is intangible, you may have doubts that it exists - but it does.  You probably have a feeling of anticipation and excitement, and you may not realize why, but this is why.  And while you are heading directly to your destiny, you will still have to make time and room for it in your life.  An opportunity is unfolding.  Make sure you devote to it all the love and determination you can muster."

OH - MY - GOSH.  Seriously?  Could that describe any better the journey I am beginning with my seminar tonight!?!?  Wow!  So, I am going to be a good little Astronomer and "make room" for IVF treatment in my life.  I am going to "devote all the love and determination I can muster" to this process.  And the "intangible" thought of a pregnancy that I "doubt exists" and for which I "have a feeling of anticipation and excitement" for?  I will be "heading directly" for it - my "destiny."  For I have waited a long time for this "promise of good fortune that is hovering on my horizon."  Since 2004 I've been "moving toward" this moment, and having a family is finally almost here.  Awesome!

I shall blog again after our seminar tonight (or tomorrow depending on how pooped out we are afterward).   Yay!

Ready, Set...Seminar

Well, we've waited a LONG week for tomorrow to get here.  Had a fun busy weekend which helped things speed by.  Had a complete giggle-fest with my sister-in-laws at Alyson's shower yesterday, swam in the lake with Cecil today, and made time to wish Rob's cousin congratulations on graduating this afternoon.  Seriously?  Alex just graduated?  Seems like at my wedding he didn't even come up to my elbows, and now he's a graduate.  Man, I hope we don't have to wait too much longer to have a baby since it is obvious that children grow up FAST.
Hoping the seminar sets us off on the right foot for this journey.  Rob not feeling well today and with stress from the shop, and no time to himself it makes me worry that adding this HUGE thing will be more than he wants to take on...but if it yields positive results, how can it be bad? 
Still thinking positive that after tomorrow we will be officially "enrolled" in this journey and hoping it goes extremely well and that it works out. It's kind of like when I wanted to get married.  Rob couldn't give me the ring soon enough (hey, I waited a long time for that proposal) but I wasn't going to go anywhere in the meantime, and when it finally happened it was the best thing ever...and had he never proposed, I'd like to think I'd still be hanging in there with him...which is kind of how this is going to go.  We're going to wait (what will seem like forever I'm sure) for it to happen, hope that it does eventually happen, and when it does be so elated!  But if it doesn't happen, it doesn't mean things are bad, we will just continue to be in the same place we are in now, which is OK.  Really, it's OK.  :)  Just ready to get this party started already!  Can't wait to see what we all find out tomorrow night!  Yay!

Kids don't like me

I always feel like I'm not a "kid" person.  Dog person, yes.  Cat person, definitely.  But in a room of other women, I am the most uncomfortable around other people's kids.  I love kids when they are like 3 or 4.  When you can say silly things to them and mess with their heads...tease and joke with them.  I love watching them learn how to spell...little kids amaze me with how much "smarts" they can cram into that tiny little package.  Babies though...I'm afraid of holding them because surely they will start bawling in my arms.  I mean, I would bet my life savings on it.  Kids CRY when I hold them.  Rob loves to tease me about that.  I'm sure it's like how a tiger can sense fear and that's how it knows which prey to go after - the weak fearful one.  That's me.  When it comes to babies, I'm a tiger's lunch.

I was the youngest in my family.  I mean THE YOUNGEST.  10 years younger than my older sister, and 12 years younger than my oldest sister.  My cousins are all my sister's age, and plus my family moved away from where all my cousin's live, so I really was never around tons of kids.  I remember going to school and my friends and classmates were like "oh yeah, that's my cousin" in the classroom next to ours, and I was just blown away by that!  What do you mean?  Don't your cousins live miles away in Milwaukee like mine do?  It was so strange to me that people knew their cousins, and even were friends with them and hung out with them!  When I came into Rob's family I remember feeling what it was like to have a BIG family.  I mean BIG.  I also remember Rob's mom asking me at Christmas at his Uncle Mark's house when I was young, like 16 or 17, if girl babies ran in my family (she had had all boys and was itching for some grand-daughters...not when I was 16 of course...but someday when Rob and I were married and ready.  Thankfully she got 3 beautiful grand-daughters...just not courtesy of me!)  In Rob's family, on both sides, there are cousins and aunts and uncles and people I don't even know all over the place!  It's amazing!  And they all live near each other and they all get together - A LOT.  So, being the youngest, and nearly the only "child" in the family, I have no experience with "feeding my baby sibling" or "changing my baby cousin's diaper."  That just didn't exist for me.  Grandparents didn't exist for me either but that's probably another blog topic.

I'm sure if my mom would read this she'd feel bad that I feel "uncomfortable" around babies because I wasn't "trained" to be around them from a young age.  DON'T FEEL BAD MOM!  Being the baby ROCKS. :)  All you other babies of the family out there - holla back y'all!

Anyway, my less than ample experience with children has caused me some "fear" about them.  If they're dirty or stinky or have food all over them - I'll pass.  If they're sassy, or annoying - I'll pass.  Reading this you're probably like "OH MY GOD - and she wants kids?  She's in for a rude awakening!"  Here's the thing...if you don't have kids and haven't been around them much, I don't think it's weird to feel how I feel.  HOWEVER, I know in my heart that I would feel nothing but love for my own child. 

My dog, Rodger, jumped off of the front of our pontoon boat while it was moving the other weekend (also on Memorial Day weekend - geesh what a weekend!)  Rob had to kill the engine so as to not run him over and chop him into pieces.  His quick reaction time probably saved Rodger's life.  We didn't even know if he could swim - he'd never been in the water before.  The feeling of shock,  my immediate instinctual reaction to jump in after him, the emotions of fear but also the determination of wanting to get him to safety as quickly as possible all proved to me that I have what it takes.  I am a nurturer.  I have a ton of motherly love, I just have never had anyone to give it to before.

I was a babysitter.  I went to class, got certified, learned CPR, had my fair share of Friday night $10 gigs.  I have nephews that I can remember babysitting.  (I also remember feeding one nephew TOO MUCH JUICE while babysitting and changing blow-out after blow-out wondering "what the heck is wrong with this kid!?!?"). 

My hairdresser told one of her clients, who is also a friend of mine, "I have kids.  I love my kids.  I'll do anything for them.  But other people's kids annoy me."  I can see where she's coming from.  That kid in WalMart screaming his head off?  Annoying.  But if that happened to me, I would just be amused that it was finally actually happening to me.  :)

I can('t) see clearly now...

Timing is everything.  I had gone in to the eye doctor to finally take the plunge and have LASIK eye surgery.  My eye doctor said "you're not pregnant or planning to get prengnant are you?"  My easy-peasy answer was "Nope!"  Knowing full well that even if I was planning on getting pregnant, it wouldn't happen!  It never has before, why start now?   Actually, I have been planning to get pregnant since I was like 6 when I started playing with dolls where I was the mommy and my dollies were my babies.  Not that at 6 I knew what it meant to be pregnant, or how to get there even, but I knew I was going to be a mommy someday. 

Nope eye-doctor, not going to be getting pregnant anytime soon.  He said that was good because you can't get pregnant for 6 months after the surgery (because your eyes can change with pregnancy).  DUH!  I of course already knew that!  I have read every book out there.  I had "what to expect when you're expecting" (until I just dumped it at Goodwill after it was a "no sell" at our Memorial Day weekend rummage sale - again timing is everything - I just may need that stinkin' book afterall!)  I knew that your eyes can change with pregnancy - that is why I held off on eye surgery as long as I did....IN CASE I got pregnant.  But, this year I was just going to go for it!  Have the surgery already - you're not getting any younger...which isn't helping me in the eye department OR the baby department!  So, I had the initial appointments done and found out I had some "dry eye" issues.  I had to wear my glasses, no contacts, for 2 weeks and put drops in at least 3 times a day before I could retest to see if I was a surgery candidate.  Well, my appt. for my eye recheck was set up for 6/4.  On 5/28 is when I got the news that we had the possibility of surrogacy, and by the end of that week I was leaning toward IVF myself.  So, I popped my contacts back in and canceled my eye appointment.  (Whew, at least I don't have to face the world in those dorky glasses anymore!)  I guess that surgery can wait.  The interesting thing is, what if I wouldn't have had the dry eye problem, I may have been pushed ahead for surgery and would now be faced with the fact that I want to try IVF but just had my eyes done!  Timing.

What if it doesn't work....?

...and if IVF doesn't work, I know I can handle the grief.  I live every day with the memory of at one time in my life I had 2 sisters, and now I only have 1.  I know what it's like to hold the beautiful puppy face (in the photo above) in my hands while we kissed goodbye and he took his last breath.  I know what it's like to come home from the Shawano County Fair with your good friends, who were also expecting their first child, only to find the shocking evidence that I was starting to mis-carry. 

I know what it's like...

and I would love to know what it's like to finally get some good news.  :) 

Good night all my faithful blog readers!  (I feel like the end of a Doogie Howser episode!)

Blog-a-holic

Is it possible to be a blog-a-holic?  I just started this thing tonight and I wanted to post again.  I've been told it will be a great outlet for my feelings... and I'm feeling like "out-letting".  :) 

I wanted to post, that although the book my friend suggested I read has me feeling excited, and freakishly prepared, for what is about to come, it also had me wondering, "Can I really do this?"  Can I go through all the crazy things that might, can, and will happen throughout the course of IVF?  The "bleeds" from the meds, the headaches, the bloating, the icing and heating pads needed for the injections, the mood swings, the exhaustion, the crying at the littlest things, the ultrasounds and blood work appointments, the "get out of work free" cards I'll be cashing in, the stress it could put on Rob and I, and the part about NOT letting the stress get to you at all for it will harm the process?  Yikes!  Am I strong enough for this?  Well, I better be because this is my best shot at achieving what we really hope to gain from this journey, a real family complete with a mommy, a daddy, 3 cats, 2 dogs, and a KID (or 2 would be cool).

The thing that hit it home for me that I will be...that I AM...strong enough was when I got to work this morning and saw the picture I have on my bulletin board of me completing the Packers 5K last year.  It was SO dang hot that morning - in the high 90's - but I was in the best shape of my life.  We plowed through those 3 miles and ran our victory lap through Lambeau.  Inside Lambeau had that feeling that I get where you're so happy and full of pride that you're fighting back tears because it's too weird to start crying...I get that feeling whenever I finish any race, anytime I hear the Star Spangled Banner, and oh yeah...when Donald Driver won Dancing with the Stars.  :)  Anyway, I reminded myself that that race was just in the midst of my training for the 1/2 marathon.  I had set out a goal to run a 1/2 marathon...just woke up one day and said...I'm gonna run it...I went from basically couch potato to 1/2 marathon runner in a matter of months.  I followed that training schedule WITHOUT FAIL.  I didn't miss any training until weeks before the race when my knees completely gave out.  Even then, there was NO WAY I wasn't finishing those 13.1 miles.  I ran that sucker with both knees in patallar bands, and I finished it under my goal time of 2:15 (2:14 to be exact). 

I also recall when I made up my mind to quit drinking.  Infertility had a role in how much we drank too.  Darn you infertility...you sure know how to mess things up!  Our friends started settling down and having families and we just got pushed from one bar to another.  The stress of NOT having what our friends had forced us to prove that at least we could still par-tay - even after they stopped IDing us!   The problems that stemmed from all that boozing nearly cost us our marriage.  The decision to give up alcohol completely was THE HARDEST THING I've ever done, and the thing I will go to my grave being the most proud of.  There are still times, although very few and far between, that I miss drinking, but sobriety has been an overwhelmingly rewarding thing and has really saved my life.  I don't want to think about where I'd be now if I hadn't made that decision. 

Anyway, the piggy bank thing, you get out of life what you put in it...I'd like to think I'm a person that when there is something I really want out of life, I go ALL IN to get it.  I don't just say, well, I'd like to run a 1/2 marathon, and then settle for 2 miles.  I didn't say "I want to quit drinking", but then still sneak wine on the weekends.  If something is really important to me, I put all of myself into it.

I believe that is how this journey will go for us.  Rob and I both push hard to be successful in life.  Much of my success is attributable to the incredible support I get from Rob.  Guess who has already voluneered to give me all the BIG NEEDLE butt shots during treatment?  That's right, my Super-Husband, Rob.  Thanks, Rob, for being my partner in all things big and small for the past 18 years!  :)  (Man if we would've had a kid way back then he'd be graduating right now!  HA!)

I've promised myself to only think positive, but should the process not be successful for us and we don't end up with the baby of our dreams, I will have the pride of knowing that we did absolutely everything we could to try to start a family with our own biological children.  We are going ALL IN on this one...and now here comes that Star Spangled Banner feeling!  :)

Life is like a Piggy Bank...

I chose "Life is like a Piggy Bank..." as the title of my very first Blog because it is from a quote that I happen to like:  "Life is like a Piggy Bank, you only get out of it what you put into it."  There were times in my life where I was just coasting and wasn't putting anything into life.  Boy, am I glad I got over that!  My life is now very full, happy and wonderful.  So, why start a Blog now?  Well, my life is about to get some more put into it, and I'm hoping we get something out if it!  One thing I know we'll get out of it is strength while we no doubt learn some life lessons.

This Blog will be about a new journey Rob and I are taking.  We're firing up the "hope to have a family" engine once again!  A new journey that will hopefully lead us down the Yellow-brick IVF Road to the Emerald Baby Castle!

It all started last week, Memorial Day 2012 to be exact.  We got a miracle text message from 2 of our closest friends (a husband and wife couple) offering to be our gestational surrogate!  We hadn't thought about having a family in quite some time.  For those that don't know, or may have forgotten, Rob and I have had 2 miscarriages, we've had infertility testing done, we've tried IUI (twice), we've tried fertility drugs (pills and tummy injections), I've tried charting, ovulation kits, mucus pills, accupuncture, prayer, diet and exercise, boxers vs. briefs, pillows under your butt for 20 minutes, you name it, we've tried it. 

Our first miscarriage was in June 2004, and our second miscarriage was in September 2009.   Before, between, and after that we never used any birth control methods and have never had any other pregnancies, or remote signs thereof.  We'd thought about adoption, we'd thought about just skipping parenting and raising 100's of cats instead...on a lovely cat farm somewhere in the middle of no where so people wouldn't know you and couldn't judge you.  :)   (Seriously, I've thought of that).  We NEVER thought of IVF because who can afford to shell out that kind of cash only to have another heartbreaking miscarriage?  We'd certainly never thought of surrogacy.  Sure, we'd thought it would be nice if our friends would just have a baby of their own and selflessly give it to us, and we'd also thought of running out of a restaurant with the cute baby from the next table stashed in our jackets (the thought of kidnapping charges and our faces all over the evening news stopped that plan from seeing the light of day, however).  :)  But how would you ever ask a friend, "hey, want to carry our baby for 9 months?"  For these friends to come up with this idea on their own and offer it to us was a miracle.

We started researching right away...phone calls and emails and Facebook messages to friends, nurses, attorneys, etc.  A few days into it we learned some interesting news about IVF that I was never aware of.  Some clinics offer a plan where if you do not successfully have a baby, you can get a refund of some of your money!  With the encouragement of my nurse and my "womb-offering" friend, I decided to pursue IVF myself instead of surrogacy.  Granted it's not all about the money.  I'm aware that I could still have another gut-wrenching miscarriage, or never even get pregnant at all with IVF, but I will never know if I don't try!  Somehow knowing I wouldn't end up in financial ruin on top of endless grief made me want to go for it.  This could be my chance to really become a mommy.  To feel what it's like to be pregnant, give birth to our own biological child.  Oh yeah the give birth part.  That part still scares me, but if I make it that far I'm going to be so damn happy I won't care if it hurts.  (Remind me of that if I get that far).

For anyone who's had infertility issues, you know the one thing that I know very well:  IT SUCKS.  You know what it's like to feel like you're robbing your husband of something he wants so badly.  You know what it's like to feel "less-than" in comparison to ALL OTHER WOMEN, or so it seems.  You know what it feels like to be happy for your pregnant friend but at the same time feel SO jealous.  Not a "mean" jealous...just a "why the hell can't that ever be me" kind of jealous.  You know what it's like to cry at baby commercials, or birth scenes in movies because that "will NEVER be you."  You know what it's like to think about "who will come to Thanksgiving once you're old and gray."  You wonder "Who will I leave my GIGANTIC FORTUNE to when I die?"  (Hey, I can dream).  You also know what it's like to talk yourself into "I'm ok with not having kids."  You know what it's like to tell yourself "I'm glad I don't have a crying kid in Walmart" or "well at least I can still go to the bars" (when I still cared about going to the bars), or "kids are so expensive, I'd rather drive this Volvo than have kids."  You know what it's like to treat your pets like children.  To separate yourself from all your friends with kids because you have NOTHING in common.  You know what it's like to wish so badly your parents and in-laws could be Grandma and Grandpa to YOUR kids, not just to your neices and nephews.  There's a lot that goes into it.

What I know now is that I know what it's like to feel hope again.  To really have faith that this time something is going to work.  I also know what it's like to be scared as hell to stick that needle into my butt cheek.  "Excuse me, it's how big?" BUT - I am ready to put my heart and soul into this.  This could be our chance.  Maybe, just maybe, it will work.  Maybe I'll actually GET PREGNANT!  Then, if I do, maybe all those HUGE butt shots will KEEP me pregnant.  Oh my gosh, maybe my amazing hubby and I will actually become parents!  Old parents, but parents none the less!

Then we can have the joys of those poopy diapers, those sleepless nights, the worry when they're teenagers, the stress of young adult angst, the expense of college education, the love of grandchildren of my own someday.  This could actually be how it turns out for us this time!

On Monday, 6/11/12, Rob and I will be attending a seminar at Fox Valley Reproductive Medicine about IVF.  We can then move forward into the program and from what I understand, undergo tests to see if we medically qualify for the "guarantee programs" (money back if you aren't successful).  Then from there sounds like we're at the mercy of the clinic as to when we start...then it's injections, and ultrasounds, and blood tests galore until we hit our baby's due date!  (See how positive I'm being here?)  :)  Hoping to look back on this blog when my baby is one and smile at where our journey started.  One other interesting note:  6/11/04 was the date of our first miscarriage.  Hoping this 6/11/12 date brings us positive new beginnings!

To anyone reading this blog.  Stay tuned.  I hope to keep you posted on our journey, good and bad.  Keep us in your thoughts and prayers! 

I want to say a special thanks to a friend of mine from High School and college at UW-SP.  She went through this journey herself not too long ago.  Reading her blog was one of the most inspiring things I had ever read.  She is absolutely amazing, and I told her that.  :)